Tonight

So today was the anniversary of my knowing about Mike. It was hard, but something that I got through. Steve didn't leave my side all day and I never felt the need to get him away from me, which I thought was really cool, since when I'm in these moods I usually really need to be alone. We watched "Supersize Me", which (of course) led me to my couch soap box in which I bitched about the school systems, prison systems and random other things that are wrong with society. Then I realized I had a damn McDonalds fry on my floor, in perfect condition, from at least a week ago. Yeah. Steve and I spoke very sincerely about how we are going to eat better once we cohabitate. Lots of freezing. Lots of mass food production. We're going to register for Gladware plastic containers. And a bath pillow and food processor. Just the necessities.

He is on the phone right now, so concentrating is difficult. His pacing is soothing, which again, is weird for me. He is holding the phone in his left hand and I love catching the glimmer of his ring under the kitchen light. Little things. I showed him a REALLY embarrassing video of me from high school (after gracing me with the privilege of seeing his Nelson performance tape a few days ago) and he told me he was even more in love with me. I said, "Even after that?" His reply? "Because of that." Right answer.

I really feel the need to read Mike's letter before going to sleep tonight, but I don't know how I'll react. I guess I should go with my gut, since I only get into trouble when I ignore it. Thank god I listened to my gut when it told me to get out of bed that Friday night of Dames after my spa day. I was going to sleep through it. Fate had another plan.

I know, for the first time in my life, what it means to feel someone is with me on everything. I have never felt more protected in my life, and I truly believe a big part of that protection is knowing I can hear him say he will protect me and I don't get my feathers fluffed up, feeling the need to say how I don't need anyone to protect me. There is a great strength in the way I have been acting and feeling lately, and that strength comes from knowing I can accept protection. I know I'll be giving it back to him, and that doesn't threaten him. It's not that I 'need a man' to protect me.....it's that I've finally found another human that I will ALLOW to protect me and not feel I'm being co-dependent or a failure. Mom and dad aside, of course. It's those little things that I didn't even know I was missing until I found them.

Today has been an interesting rollercoaster of emotions, but I made it through, like I knew I would. There was no doubt because I am strong. Yet there were moments of misplacing my emotions. If that is the worst that happened today, I consider it a good day. Hell, if that is the worst that happens ANY day, not just suicide anniversaries, I consider it a good day.

And he made up a song about my farting, which I sent to mom, dad and Amy and they agreed he was made for me. Amy wants to make sure we do a blood test since it seems like we were separated at birth and she wants to make sure our offspring are not web-footed.

"It's like it was meant to be. I'm not kidding. It's like it was meant to be...."