*sigh*

So much has happened and changed over the last week or so. So much is different. In so many ways.

Mamaw died. I am so conflicted with this. I am trying so hard to let myself feel what I need to feel to be over it and done. But it's more than just her death. It's Pap. He is so intricately tied into this whole situation. The house where he lived will be gone. The walls and ceiling he last saw as he died will be gone. Memories tied into every little thing in that house will be gone. Things that weren't that important, like the dishes he ate off of, the glasses he drank out of. All of those things that we didn't take because, well, she needed them. We have his watch. His pocket knives. His fishing lures. Things that were him completely.

But those other little things will be gone soon. That is the thing that is the hardest for me to get over. For me to deal with. And it's all wrapped around her death. I don't know that I have grieved for her, per se, so much as I grieved for the loss of Pappy all over again. After seven years, that pain has not gone away. Of course, it's not as strong and stinging as it was seven years ago. It's not as brutal and debilitating as it was back then. But it's back nonetheless. And it stings in its own new way.

I don't quite know what to do. There are so many things I want to do. I want to organize this house from top to bottom, finding places for everything and, if it doesn't have a place, pitch it. Get rid of things again, as I did with Mike. At least with Mike, I had a drive, a running goal: I had to deal with it. School was starting up that next week, Shakes was on the horizon and I refused to let his selfish act, as painful as it was, destroy school or my theatre.

But her dying wasn't a selfish act. In fact, it was one of the few selfless things she has done. She was ready to go and went. She didn't hold on after she was tired. She let go.

I'm feeling like I'm going to be in this abyss for awhile. There are still things hanging over our heads that need to be done. The house needs to be cleaned and fixed. The furniture needs to be sold. Auctions need to be held. The house needs to sell. All of these things are still standing over us. And will for awhile. So this can't be completely put to rest until these things happen.

Maybe once all of these things are done we can be still again. Maybe there will be a moment of quiet. Maybe we can exhale for once.