So let it be written

Dear Fates--

If I ever decide in a moment of madness to marry again, and subsequently divorce, please do not let the first wedding I attend after said divorce have in attendance my first true love, who I hadn't seen in over five years, and his fiance.

Please.

And kindly refrain from having said wedding located in a remote part of a countryside area where there is no such thing as cell phone reception, thus cutting me off from any outside help or words of love.

Also, please ensure that the song danced to by the new bride and her father is not the same song as the one my ex-husband and bridal party walked down the aisle to.

While you are at it, dear Fates, I would ask that you kick me in my ass if I decide to let a friend drive his car to said remote part of a countryside, leaving any possible chance of escape an impossibility.

And please do not make the new bride and groom and bride's family one that I know very well and love and adore so much. This only makes my own sorrow mix uncomfortably with my love and joy for the happy couple. Confusion leads to drinking cranberry juice and bad vodka. And orange juice. With bad vodka.

The final request, dear Fates....please, please, PLEASE do not have a women who knows me so well be in attendance at said wedding, where only a brief look or word from her can signal a torrential downpour of tears and emotions and feelings and such.

If these are too much to ask, dear Fates, kindly make said wedding happen on a Monday night, give me Tuesday off work and a regularly scheduled therapy session Tuesday afternoon.

Thank you.