Random Crap

I really have nothing to say, specifically, but feel the need to write. Maybe it's because I should be working on my paper and instead am getting the house ready for Steve to come home. He is on his third day of opening after the show, running on three or less hours of sleep. He is going to come home, take a nice hot bath, drink a nice, cool glass of chardonnay and have me baby him in general. He deserves it. Mama's makin' pasta tonight! It's a small date night and we both really need one. After he takes his nap, of course!

Went grocery shopping for the essentials.

Had to pee like crazy and, of course, got behind the slowest drivers in history and a fender bender.

I realize I'm starting to feel restless. I thought it was the five gallons of coffee I poured into my body this afternoon, but I really don't think it's that. We've both hit a plateau, getting used to the stress that has been bombarding us over the last few months. I've become so used to it that now, when I don't have much to do, I don't know what to do. I actually have time to do homework, take my time with it, settle in with a nice hot cup of tea and make sure my 4.0 happens this semester......but I don't. I sit and watch TV or sleep. And I'm bored. It's the craziest thing.....I dreamt of a time when I could have nothing to do but homework and taking care of myself, and now that I have it somewhat, I'm so used to having everyday chocked full of things, just THINGS, that now I don't know what to do with myself.

Do I want all the stress and 20 hour days back? Hell no. Part of me is really enjoying writing, listening to Cruel Summer playing on the CD player and taking my time. But the other part of me feels that I should be running around, stressed out, squeezing things in here and there. I feel like I'm not doing anything, and in fact, I'm not. But I should be. What a freakin' paradox!

I guess in a way I've shut down. I know I need this down time, but I'm not doing anything I should.

Steve and I have been dreaming of taking a poor man's vacation.....taking a weekend, renting a hotel downtown, and just relaxing together. Maybe swimming. Dining in the hotel lobby. Not leaving, except to pretend we're tourists and exploring downtown through new, rejuvinated eyes. But that won't happen for awhile. Maybe January. Depending on rehearsals for Dido.

I know, again, that he is the one for me. We have been under so much pressure that hasn't let up since June, and we're still good. Yes, we have our moments of cracking and snapping at each other, but we always realize it when we turn against each other and correct it quickly. We know it's going to happen every once in a while. Now, just cuddling up in bed, joking, making up songs, THAT is how we connect. And it's wonderful.

Of course, we usually end up falling into a nap quickly after laying down (ah, exhaustion!) but it's the best sleep when we're cuddled up together.

Until he starts snoring. Then I punch him in the face and eyes. Hard. Then tell him he fell down the stairs in his sleep and make him tell everyone else that too. But he always listens after that. ;)

We've become a family. A wonderful family. Steve, me, KFC. I could never have imagined I would be so happy to be so domestic. Having comfort in the every day. Loving the routine. While I do feel that sometimes, we skipped the whole "dating" phase and went right into being married, it has it's wonderful points. But we also know we need to go on dates to keep that feeling alive.

I wouldn't trade this time in my life for anything. My past is so distant, so blurry now. I remember the time before Steve, but I was a different person, so it seems so far away. I can't believe how much seven months have changed me completely. I love every moment.

And I held Krishna today. I held a being that is three days alive. He was a bit fussy when I first got him, but he fell on my very large pillows and instantly was calm, soothed and sleeping. Then he shat himself and got a bit grumpy, which I don't blame him for at all. I would react the same. But having something so small, so perfect, curl up and fall asleep on my breasts, well, it's just heaven. Pure heaven. And the smell. My god, the smell of baby.

Do I want one right now? Hell yes! Will it happen? Hell no!
School first. Marriage first (not that I'm a firm believer in marriage first, but one thing at a time.....we haven't even planned the damn wedding yet!). Time to ourselves, being a couple for a few years. Adjusting to how the other acts and reacts to life's little "fuck you's". Being selfish for a little while longer.

Then our lives will change. Vivien will be a very welcome thing, when the time is right. And I am looking forward to the pain of every contraction, the sweat and crying, the pushing and exhaustion.....being there in every capacity for the birth. Watching Steve cut the cord. Seeing the faces of our family and friends as a child is born.....ah, wonderful daydreams. And not the daydreams of stress and such, just future daydreaming. Fun things. Things to come.

Wow. This is such a rambling post. But I'm sitting here smiling. I started off feeling a bit weird, a little somber and maybe a bit teen-angst-ty. But now I'm just smiling.

I have never had it so good. Broke as shit, but richer than I've ever been in every other way. My soul is screaming with happiness, bursting at the seams. I don't think it's the coffee.....I think I needed to remind myself of everything I've just written. I'm not doing "nothing"....I'm recovering. It's okay for me to take naps. It's okay to watch Punky Brewster everyday. I'm on the righ path. The original Blue Monday is now playing....what memories go with that song!

Even though we ain't got money, I'm so in love with you, honey!

They say our love won't pay the rent. Before it's earned, our money's all been spent.

Oh, oh, livin' on a prayer!

Nice reminders that we're not the only ones to be here, nor will we be the last. This is a rite of passage......Steve said today, "In ten years, we'll look back on this time of being so broke and just laugh and laugh." I agree. Money is one of the things that can drive people apart, siting irreconcilable differences......we're going to make it through.

We have so far.....

God, I am in such a good place.