New Life

No word yet about her labor. Yesterday, I talked to her and she was nowhere near labor. They may induce on Friday if her blood pressure keeps going up and down, or they may let her wait and see.

All around me new life is beginning. People are pregnant, people are getting married, people are grieving, people are celebrating. I can't even pretend to know the amount of change happening to those I love because my own change is so overwhelming and powerful.

This time two years ago:
I was hopelessly stuck at the law firm
I had no real direction
I had three cats and three fish
I had an uncle
I had never dated a trannyboi
I was still mourning my ex from three years previous in my own way
I had another person living in my one bedroom
I had my piece of crap car
I had tasted true love but the flavor of it ending made me sick
I had never been to Italy
I was stuck and hoping endlessly that there would be something that happened to snap me out of it
I lost a best friend
Camenae was in serious trouble
I had never worked with New Millennium


It's amazing. Those are just the things that I can think of off the top of my head. Two years ago. Hell, in the last seven months I took turns in my life I never thought I would see. Steve and school changed everything. All of those events changed everything.

I am finally to the point where accepting them all, good and bad, has to be done. I couldn't go to a funeral service this past weekend because I realized I wasn't ready. I had been to many a funeral in my day, for those I loved deeply and those I barely knew, but Mike's changed me. It's not like me to not be ready for something, even if I do kick and scream to prevent things sometimes. But I wasn't ready. I was afraid. I was afraid of my reaction to another's grief because my own pangs are all too fresh.

There are constant changes all over the world. And inside ourselves. I have to find the fearless Tory again and let her out, let her take over. But this time she won't be as careless.....it's not about how much I can drink without dying or how many drugs I can squeeze into one night....it's about taking life, changes and all, and forming it to something I can deal with, hold on to and love.

I'm trying. It's hard. But everything worth anything is hard. Hell, I kept telling myself to love like I'd never been hurt. Did it. Repeatedly. Always got hurt, each one worse than the last. But I didn't give up on it. I gave up on ever finding anyone, but never about loving like I'd never been hurt. And I finally found the one worth that love.

Now, to just make everything else as smooth!

Finish up my pasta, watch some Punky and change the world. It's not too much to ask......