Some big realizations were made yesterday.

Everything became legal. Everything is done. There was sadness that came with it, of course. As soon as it was declared legal, I cried. I'm not ashamed of that. I haven't been ashamed of any way in which I've dealt with all of this. And I'm not going to start now.

I am also learning what it is to be respected by someone. Someone who knows what I'm going through and is acting accordingly. Patience. Time. Respect. Space. Those are things I'm going to have to get used to. But it will be a very fun journey. I'm actually excited about this ride. For the first time in months, I've been excited about something that is happening, and I've needed that.

There is something to be said for being lonely when you are single. It kinda comes with the territory. But there is something else entirely to feel lonely in a marriage or relationship. That is so much worse.

But I'm not lonely anymore.

I also think, yesterday, I finished this round of growing up. I felt that shift inside of me in ways I couldn't imagine. Standing up there, alone, and ending something that needed to be ended. Knowing I did it for me. And for him, in that twisted, weird way. I know that he needed to hit rock bottom before he would make any changes in his life. I started to realize that every time I would ask him about therapy or ask him to talk with me about what was going on in his head, regarding what had happened to him and how I didn't think he had ever really dealt with it. When I kept trying to guide him into believing he needed help, I would be met with such resistance. I started to realize that he is the type of person that needed to lose everything to take that first step.

The reasons for my actions that day are many and are very intertwined. I did what I had to do for me. I had to have people there, because every time I would try to do it on my own, it would get turned around and twisted into something that was wrong with me. Regardless of any proof I had or how strongly I felt something. It was always turned around on me. So the reasons for the group being there was varied.....I needed that support and strength, and I also needed a large amount of people who all knew so he would know there was no way to turn it around on me. I was done taking responsibility for things I had no control over.

I also had to end it because it's what I needed. My body has been physically put at risk. I could have contracted something and never known it. I could have been infected and let it go until I became sterile. Or it turned to cancer. Those are things that he didn't think about when he was having sex with her, and coming home and having sex with me. My physical body was at risk.

Maybe the largest one was the pure betrayel. And things keep coming to my attention that lead me to believe that this wasn't an isolated incident of betrayel. Things that I have been shown point to a few other women. And I think knowing that the betrayel keeps coming is hard. But each time, it gets a bit easier.

I would take comfort in the fact that I was right about pretty much all of them. But it's a very empty comfort. If I had the choice between being right or being happy, I would have much rather been happy. But that really wasn't an option. I thought it could be, but I was wrong.

But the point of all of this is that I'm not done. I'm not done finding my happiness. I'm not done finding my way. I'm not done with any of it.

I have hope again. I have hope, and that is something that I haven't had during much of this. I had strength, I had determination and I had an idea that things were going to turn around for me and start looking up again. But I really didn't have hope with it. But for the first time in months, I have it back.

It has been a really long journey. In all reality, it started back in September of 2005 when I found those text messages. And I didn't believe the story I was told as to why they were there. And part of my recent discoveries has solidified that fact. I know Jenna wasn't an isolated incident, a single event or person. I almost feel badly for her if she really believed she was the only one. Almost.

So yes....this has been a long journey in the making. And it came to a very abrupt halt.



There is a huge difference between replacing things once ours and moving on. Things that were ours remain ours, and I don't want to replace that with anyone else. That, to me, would be removing our history from ever being there. And I won't do that. The love I felt for him was strong and real. And since I loved him once, I will always love him. But it has changed. It's not the same in any respect. It is a memory, still fresh, of feelings I had for another person.

And I know I will feel those feelings again with someone else.

I still love Hillarie. I still love Tim. I still love Mo. And I still love Steve. But he has now entered the same category as the above mentioned people. Someone I will look back on, remember the good times, remember the bad times, and remember the reason it ended. And that will be all.

And from each of them I took important lessons. I think the thing that separates Steve from those others is the impact of those lessons, the severity of those lessons. They have changed me in ways that Hill, Mo and Tim never did.

Just as I was the catalyst for change in Steve's life, he was the catalyst of change in mine. In a very weird way, I am thankful for that.

I guess I don't really care if Steve ever realizes why things had to happen the way they did. I don't care if he never sees that, while I did what I needed to do for me, I was also setting him free to deal with his own demons. While I'm sure it looked like a completely selfish act, it in fact wasn't. I'm just glad that something that I needed to do for me had those consequences for someone else as well.

I think I may be done now. I think the final step was taken, and these were the remaining things I needed to say. In fact, I'm pretty sure that this is the final stepping stone that will launch me into my new phase. I don't feel the need to explain any more, or dwell on this any more. Of course, I will still be dealing with those feelings of betrayel and pain, but in a different context. I'm never going to ignore how I'm feeling, and I'm feeling like this is it, this is the end.