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There is a whole damn universe out there in internet land. I could look up the directions for making napalm. I could learn to speak Italian. I could look at really gross pictures of dead people or watch Homestar......I could do all of those things, and yet the energy to click isn't there. It just isn't there.

Today has been a rough one. It was my last day at my job and I felt really unwelcomed, unappreciated and I really felt like they were happy to get rid of me. That sucks. I worked there a year tomorrow, and I don't even get a 'goodbye' on the schedule. In fact, my two weeks was to end NEXT week....they just didn't put me on the schedule for next week. Not even a day. So much for self esteem today....

I know our minds hold on to anniversaries long after the conscious mind lets them go. There have been so many days I've felt like crap for no reason, crying, whatnot, and finally realized at the end of the day what day it was. It was always some anniversary. There are so many days that are almost off limits that it sucks living between them. And I don't even realize them until I figure out why the hell I'm running around crying or down in the dumps.

I talked to mom a bit today. She was kinda down too. Nothing major, just lacking energy to do much of anything. I just want to lie on the couch and watch an entire season of some show that will take my mind off my life at this moment. Life is good, for the most part. I still have a life. That's what I'm dealing with....those that don't have them anymore.

GOD! I thought this would be long gone. I thought I was WAY more over Mike than I am. I know it's been a little over seven months, and that isn't too long of a time, but then again, there is no universal timeline for grief. I used to think there was. That made the whole process even more painful, to think I was a burdeon on everyone else because I just should have been over it by then....blah blah blah. I know I have to give myself time. I know I need to let myself feel whatever I feel and accept it as the healing crap, but enough already! He was stupid. He did something stupid and selfish and we are all paying for it, all the 'good' ones. The bad ones get his money and pretend nothing happened. We are the ones who are crying about it, feeling the loss. Regardless of anything else, the thing that's the hardest is knowing how much it hurts Mamaw and mom and dad and Amy. Those are the ones that I'm thinking of during most of my down moments. There's the pain that I feel too, multiplied by the holidays last time around, but it's them. I hurt for them. That's what you do when you love someone so much. I hurt for them and myself as well.

Arg. Just a bunch of shit.
All of it.
Shit.