Finally

A day to unwind. Even though I was a bit stressed earlier in the day, I soon realized I needed to get my ass out of it, apologize to the man, and have a great brunch. Today found me sitting on the couch cleaning my rings, watching some Discovery Channel shit about cosmetic surgery and loving on my KFC. The evening holds plenty of cleaning of the kitchen (which, in a weird, mind-clearing way, is really enjoyable) and maybe doing some reading.

Yesterday was good, but really hard. We were only at dinner for a few hours, which is never enough when it's family. Of course, if we did this once a week or so, it would be just fine. But with Amy and Olivia (and soon to be good Mamaw) it's usually 6 months or so. We all had a really good visit, laughed, etc. But the way home, I was crying for a good chunk of the drive. I drove down so Steve drove back. It was just really hard to leave them, for so many reasons.

I know that everyone, once they hit a 'certain' age, needs to shed their unchosen family and belong to their chosen family, be it marriage to a lover, a group of friends or a few really close friends. But what I'm realizing about the relationship to my family is, I would chose them even if I didn't have to. My mom is one of my best friends. She is the best person to talk to when I'm down because she knows what to say (or not to say). She has, without a doubt, the longest history with me. I was being soothed by her voice before I even took a breath on my own. And it still calms me, comforts me and makes me realize everything is okay (even when it's really not).

To not be with her (or dad or the rest of the family) for a holiday is really hard for me. This is the first, and the first will always be the toughest of anything. But this is a year of firsts for so many things. I don't know if it's good to have everything change all at once or little things bit by bit. Either way, even if Mike was still here, I know I would still be having a hard time being away.

Even though I know they don't think so, I feel that I am abandoning them. "Hey, guess what! First year without Mike, Mamaw is in Texas and I found the love of my life. See ya at Christmas (maybe)."

They were the ones making sure I knew that I now had another person to consider, another family to consider, and they understood completely that I wouldn't always be there like I was before. But it doesn't make it any easier by any means.

I know I'll get over this feeling. I know once the 'firsts' are done and over with, life will make more sense. But writing makes it burn a bit less....