Who am I?

No, I'm not going through an exsistential dilema......I just really want to figure this out.

I have a really wonderful grasp on where I want to go and what I want to do. My life finally makes sense and I have found the person I was made for.

However, that STILL doesn't answer who I am.

Or maybe it does.

I like to think I'm a good person. Yes, I have moments of flaking out and saying I'll be somewhere and I end up not going. Yes, I have those demons that everyone has that sometimes colors what I do and say. I try so hard to not hurt people, to be considerate and caring, to give of myself to those who need me. But in doing so, am I playing the part of the martyr? I don't like to think so, because I can't stand it when others do it. But, can I not stand it because it's a fault of my own? I've heard that the things that really bother you are the traits you yourself have and can't stand to see them in other people.

I don't think that's the case. I can't stand those who lie to hurt others. I can't stand those who hurt and abuse animals. I can't stand those who commit to someone and screw around on them. I can't stomach people who think they are better than everyone else. I have no time for people who are fake. I don't do any of those, so maybe the theory isn't true.

I know it's impossible to be perfect. I never try to be perfect (except at school, but that's the exception!). But I want to be a good person. I really try.

Something has happened that I've had a big hand in, and even though it was the right decision (and the people involved were not the greatest people, at least in that setting), I still feel a bit of sorrow that they were potentially hurt. I don't like that feeling. Of course, they hurt us in a way, and it was the right thing to do.

But there is still that part of me that feels guilt over doing the right thing, because others were hurt.

This is crazy. I don't understand this part of me. Maybe it's because I spent a good portion of my life being the punching bag and there is a part of me that is used to it, used to being hurt to keep others from pain or whatever. But that time has passed now. Why won't that part of me shut up and go away?

There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself, what you believe in and what you hold dear. I did that.

I guess old habits die hard.

I shouldn't be too down on myself because of it. Considering how much I've changed, grown and made myself healthier, I should take this as a small post card from my past, reminding me how far I've come and what I used to do, think and feel.

I'm so glad those days are gone. I just wish that square inch in my stomach would stop flipping around.

Yes, guilt is a glorious thing. It's the one thing I try to rid myself of daily, because it serves no purpose. If I try to live my life to the best of my ability, try not to hurt others, try to be respectful and loving and caring, I should have no room for guilt.

Again, no one is perfect. But sometimes I feel I should be.

We can only teach what we know. We can only live based on what we know and feel. I have made my mistakes. I have dealt with the pain and sorrow that comes from them. But if intentions mean anything (other than paving the road to hell), then I am okay.

I'm just trying to be a better person.
My name is Earl.