So much to do

but I'm trying my damndest to chill out. It's hard, but I'm working on it. After this week, all will be better. At least, slightly better. But like right now.....I'm on a break between my classes, not one long enough to be able to make it home and back, but long enough to go and grab some food, chill and let things go. But I can't. Not today. Not on Rex Manning Day. I brought every book for every class in the attempt to get myself ahead, because I know I can't do it as well as I would like at rehearsals. Plus, tonight is a cue to cue, which means I'll be on call the entire time. I can't get too in-depth with a reading only to be called away at any moment.

Just make it through this week. Pretend there is nothing else going on in the world except school, rehearsals, Steve and rest.

I just really wish I had today with him. I don't get him for my birthday, don't get him for Valentine's Day, don't really get him for his birthday (although I will have him in the evening). I just really miss having a life. And bitching about it seems to be the best thing I can do at this time to get over it. And I know I've been a broken record for the last, oh, month or so. But it really does help me to bitch about it, get it out, and realize it's soon to be over.

Plus, it makes really easy reading for those three loyal blog readers of mine....you can skim over the majority of what I'm writing and not really miss out on anything you haven't heard over and over again.

As a wonderful woman has said, I need to find a song.

"Swandive". Ani. That has been my theme song for years now. I think it's time for some lyrics! (I feel so teen-angst-y right now! Love it!)

Cradling the softest and warmest part of you in my hands.
Feels like a baby bird
fallen from the nest.
I think that your body
Is something I understand
I think that I'm happy
Think that I'm blessed.
But I've had a lack of inhibition
I've had a loss of perspective
I've had a little bit to drink
and it's making me think
that I can jump ship and swim
that the ocean will hold me
there's got to be more
than this boat I'm in.

They can call me crazy if I fail
all the chance that I need
is one in a million and they can call me brilliant
if I succeed.
Gravity is nothing to me
moving at the speed of sound
just gonna get my feet wet
until I drown.

I TEETER BETWEEN TIRED
AND REALLY REALLY TIRED
I'M WIPED AND I'M WIRED
BUT I GUESS THAT'S JUST AS WELL.
I built my own empire
out of car tires and chicken wire
Queen of my own compost heap
I'm getting used to the smell.
I've had a lack of information
I've had a little revelation
I'm climbing up on the rail
and trying not to look down.
I'M GOING TO DO MY BEST SWAN DIVE
IN THE SHARK INFESTED WATERS
I'M GONNA PULL OUT MY TAMPON
AND START SPLASHING AROUND
CAUSE I DON'T CARE
IF THEY EAT ME ALIVE.
I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS
TO DO THAN SURVIVE.
I've got the memory
of your warm skin in my hands
I've got a vision of blue sky and dry land.

I'm cradling the hardest, heaviest part of me in my hands.
The ship is pitching and heaving,
our limbs are bobbing and weaving.
I think this is something I understand
I need a couple of vaccinations
for my faraway vacation
I'm gonna go ahead and go boldly
cause a little bird told me
the jumping is easy,
the falling is fun,
right up till you hit the sidewalk,
shivering and stunned

And they can call me crazy if I fail
all the chance that I need
is one in a million and they can call me brilliant
if I succeed.
Gravity is nothing to me,
moving at the speed of sound
Just gonna get my feet wet,
until I drown.

It's amazing.....that song was my theme song for years, and for a totally different reason than it is now. Before, it was all about how I don't need anyone or anything to make it....it's all up to me. And I was mostly talking about relationships and theatre. Now, it's the exhaustion she talks about that I relate to the most, and the desire to succeed, but now it's with school and my life with Steve. Love is not the shark infested water like it was a few years ago....and that's amazing.

I know I've truly found a theme song when I can apply it to completely different things in my life as I move along, grow, become more and more the woman I am meant to be. The fear is still there. Oh god, is the fear still there. But it will always be there, it just changes it's face.

I really needed to write those lyrics. I feel much more relaxed, even though I have done very little reading for classes tomorrow. I still feel that I can make it. And I will. This is nothing compared to what I've been through, and the future will hold many more moments like this for me. But it's all about coping, and that's something I've forgotton about. I can cope. I can deal with anything.

Thank you, Laura, for saying I needed to find a song. It helped more than you can imagine to find my song again.

Yeah. Life is good.