Evil

I just got off the phone with Evil.

Fuck you for not ever accepting me for who I was and am, unless it fit what you wanted. Fuck you for thinking that now, now that I'm living the life YOU want me to live, that you can be a part of it. You would rather me have been dying that accept who I loved for almost a decade, and now that I have a "husband to be" you actually call, you actually ASK me how my life is, how my significant other is. You couldn't have given two shits for the last ten years of my life, bribing me with money to be a "good girl" and trying all you could to try to change me. No one else tried to change me. He loved me for who and what I was. THAT was love. And you can sit there on the phone, bitching about "foreigner" doctors and tell me that you have never seen anyone love a grandchild the way he loved me. And he did. He was my world, making up for the fact that all you ever fucking wanted was a show pony. You wanted the perfect little creature that you could parade around in front of those pretending to be your friends. Now you are concerned about me, making sure that I fit all those stereotypical roles women are supposed to be. "Make sure you cook for him." "Make sure you treat him right or else I'll be up there defending him." FUCK YOU! You NEVER defended me to anyone. You never did. You said, to my funny-nasty response to that, "Well, your pap was always in your corner, so I figure Steve needs me in his." No thank you. We don't need you in our corner. We don't need you in our lives. All you bring is misery, pain and anguish to all you know. Your lies, deceit and inability to love have all shoved everyone from you now. But NOW, NOW I'm who you want me to be, and the sick thing is, you think it was because of YOU. YOU want to take the credit for me "straightening out" and "being a good girl." Nothing in my life is because of you, except maybe my unhealthy relationship to money. Paying me off to be good, showing me that you "loved" me by writing checks or opening your wallet. You never showed it in any way, so I started to put my self worth in monetary value, at least from you. And when you stopped "loving" me back in 1997, the checks stopped coming. Your wallet didn't open. I had to be silent about any part of my lfe for a fucking $20 from you, your equivalent of saying "fuck off". But now you are sitting in your dark, empty house, waiting for the phone to ring from me, wanting to hear my voice because now you actually pretend to give a shit. Fuck you. You deserve nothing from me. You have given me nothing. You are nothing to me. And you'll never know just how happy we will be when we no longer have to worry about you. Freedom will finally come to those I love.

And if any of this seems heartless, well bitch, I learned it from you. Being able to turn my back on family comes directly from you. How dare you even take up my thoughts in this blog post. How DARE you pretend to care. Of course now you can care. You can be "proud" of me, now that I'm with a biological man. Now that I'm living the "right" way. Heaven forbid I was anything other than what you wanted.

HE always loved me. Until the last breath left his body as I was holding his hand, he loved me. And it's because of him and his memory that I don't tell you these things to your fucking face. Because I love him. I respect him. And because of him, I'll pretend to love you. But you have no idea what it truly is to love. You are so sad and pathetic. But you get no sympathy from me. All you get are fake laughs and smiles and kisses, gritting my teeth as I say I love you. Cursing your name on the phone with you.

He loved me. Don't EVER pretend to compare yourself to him. Ever. There is no comparison. Nothing even close.