Things are shifting.

I can't really be more specific than that. But things are shifting within me, and the subsequent changes are very good.

I am finally able to say what I need. Finally able to stop things that don't feel right. Finally able to separate the different parts of me and fulfill the needs of each of those parts.

I know I've said the word "whirlwind" several times during this whole adventure....but it's a good word. It encompasses what I'm feeling. Or what I'm not feeling.

I think the thing that gets me now more than anything else are the times when I realize I hadn't thought about him or what has been happening for the last four months. Those moments when I realize I had gone a long period of time without focusing on it, fixating on it, wondering about it. I notice those moments when I'm not thinking about it, because for so long, it was the only thing on my mind. It was always there. Either in the forefront, the periphery or just a general feeling.

I remember the first time I realized I was thinking about Hillarie because I wasn't thinking about her. I stopped and said out loud, "The only way that I'm thinking about Hillarie is noticing that I'm not thinking about her." It was a moment when I knew it would be okay.

I am far from over things with Steve. There was too much there to dismiss. There was too much there in all ways to pretend I don't think about it. I would be doing myself an injustice if I were to ignore those things I feel. Because love was there. It was strong. And, regardless of how it ended, I will not disrespect the relationship that was good by ignoring I feel anything about it.

I am starting to remember times that were good again. It was early on, before things started feeling weird and I started doubting him. And those questions that I had back then have pretty much been answered for me now.

But none of that negates the good times. Because there were good times.

And I'm glad I'm starting to see them again. It means I am mourning for the whole relationship, not just the ending of it. And I can look at those moments in time and smile. Sometimes laugh. And take them for what they were.....a moment in time when things felt right with someone I loved.

It surprises me that remembering the good times doesn't make me sad. In fact, it does the opposite. It makes me so glad to know that we had those good times. It makes it seem more real. I can't explain it any more than that.