Patience.

That is the key word.

Patience.

That is something that I must find within myself.

It's okay to want to have things done and dealt with. It's okay to want them done yesterday. But it's not okay to punish myself because I am not quite out of the woods yet.

I know the damage done was much deeper than I even thought at first. My entire lack of trust is really weighing on me. Knowing that I so badly wanted to believe it could work out, and knowing it didn't, also weighs on me.

I know that, when that time comes and I am healed, my life will be filled with such amazing things. And knowing it is right around the corner is good. But that part of me that just wants to move on is battling with the part of me that wants to sit with this and really be done with it.

I know there is no ultimate right way to do things. Each one of us has a different way of dealing. But for me, the healthy way is the right way. I'm still not exactly sure what the healthy way is, but I have the feeling I'm doing it.

There are still moments of sadness. Still moments when I cry. But it's not crying for what I lost. It's crying for something else. Anger, maybe? Sadness in general?

Pat said something wonderful tonight about all of this. We were talking about this situation, and I told her that it was done. I meant that the initial confrontation is done, and he is out of my life physically. She said, "It's never done. You lost something. You also gained something. What you lost, you will never get back. But what you gained will be there."

We do lose something with each person that leaves our lives, for whatever reason. There is no getting it back. Ever. And instead of substituting one lost thing for something else, the key is to realize the loss, accept that it will never be there again, and focus on what there is to gain.

I know what I lost. I lost that ability to, despite my better judgment, "come to you, defenses down....with the trust of a child". I lost that. I was so excited and happy when I thought I regained it....that simple trust that defied all past betrayals. I lost my trust.

But what I gained is the acceptance that life isn't like that. There is no real reason to trust with defenses down. There is always a reason to keep your eyes open. And listen to that inner voice that can, for the sake of "love", be silenced.

But most importantly, what I've gained is the knowledge that, if it really is "love", there is no reason to silence that inner voice. That inner voice would be in agreement with the head and heart. All systems functioning on the same page.

I loved Steve. There is no doubt in my heart that I loved him. On that day in April I meant every word I said. On that day in April, I gave my heart completely.

But that love wasn't the type of love I needed. It was hopeful love. Hope that my love would help certain situations. Hope that my love would be strong enough to let him see that he could face his demons with me and it would be safe. Hope that it would all work out because there was love there.

That isn't the love I need.

The love I need is an equal love. A simple knowledge that my love will help situations, and I can count on that same love in return. Life isn't easy, but we are taught that love needs to have all sorts of trials and tribulations to be real. If there isn't drama with it, it's not real.

There is a difference between every day, life bullshit, drama. That is going to happen. As long as I am breathing there will be some obstacle to overcome. And I have accepted that years ago. But some things have no place in love. And I have gained the knowledge as to what those things are.

But most importantly, I have gained the knowledge as to exactly what I won't ever, EVER, stand for again.

And, despite all I have lost, gaining that understanding has made this all worth it. All the tears. All the self-doubt. All the rage. All the anger. All the lack of trust.

All of that is a small price to pay for finding out, for the first and final time, what I am worth.