This is really weird.

So today I am sifting through MySpace and decided to look at NM's page. I saw that the Sissy Butch Brothers were friends of NM, so I went to their site. I was a big fan of the SBB a few years back, and had the largest crush EVER on Gwen, one of the brothers.

I looked at some of their pictures and recognized a few people. And I saw that Gwen and hir lady are still together and have moved to Massachusetts.

For whatever reason, knowing that they moved, seeing pictures of people I once knew or knew of, and looking at where I am in my life right now, I got really sad for a moment.

You can't go back.

I know that.

I've always known that.

But there was something about seeing the life I used to live in pictures and knowing that there was no way I was in them, even in the background, that made me realize I have pretty much shed that part of me completely. I still hold on to it, because it is who I am, but I am so far from living it anymore. I thought that was my life.

And the sad thing? I wouldn't even know how to begin to get back into it. Have I changed too much for it? I can't imagine that I have, but I feel like I have. And even sadder still.....do I want to get back to it?

I am beyond the point of finding someone at a bar. I don't have the desire for that anymore. And I really don't have the desire to be with anyone at all right now. So I'm not. And that's good. But when that time comes, which side will I be on? I have loved both for about the same amount of time. But I feel it would be harder to get back to the way I was.

You can't go back.

I have no desire to go back, I guess. I want to continue to move forward.

But that part of me is hidden in random pictures and memories now. That part that I thought I would always have at the surface.

Things change, I know this. They change in unbelievable ways. Is it possible to change back while keeping what I've learned? Is that something I want to do?

Of course, this is all fun to think about now, when I have no desire to be in a relationship with anyone. But when that time comes, and I am healed and ready, it will be an interesting decision that is made.

Oh, who the hell am I kidding? I've never really made the decisions when it comes to that. I've found those that make me smile and been with them, regardless of what parts they have. There has never been a deliberate choice. It was easier when I was surrounded and living in the culture, the community. When I would walk into the Girlbar with Chris and people would say our names, welcoming us because they hadn't seen us for a few days.

Maybe that's how all decisions are made. It's who you surround yourself with. I decide who I surround myself with, and that, in turn, gives me those opportunities for finding romance and such.

I hereby table this discussion until I am actually ready to take the plunge into someone else. And when that time comes, I'm sure my direction will be made clear to me. I am on a path, after all, and that path will lead me to where I need to be. I have confidence in that.