Feeling better

About time.

The last month or so has been hell. It's been dreading one day after another, waiting for the bad news of the day to come crashing in. After awhile, I started setting myself up for those bad days in advance, and it didn't make me too nice of a person.

But I couldn't show how I felt at school. I had to concentrate and forget the rest of my life's bad crap. I couldn't show how I felt at Dido. I had to go onstage and be Venus, and Venus never worried about how she was going to pay the bills or where she was going to get married. It took so much energy to be away from home, that by the time I was home, I was all out of energy and just wanted to exist. Well, that was hard for Steve, because he translated it into me not having faith in him for finding a job and general negativity wears down on significant others after awhile. So then I started feeling that I had to put on a happy face when I was home, and that terrified me, which made the depression that much worse.

So, I just existed through the days. I wasn't myself, because I was afraid that the second I went back to being myself more bad news would come our way and I wouldn't be able to handle it.

Until the massage. The house manager for Dido, Taylor, saw me sitting alone backstage after I was done with my part for the night, and she started rubbing my shoulders. Then my back. Then my feet, hands, arms, legs, head. I felt all the tension, the nasty negativity that I was keeping in my muscles start to be released. After 40 or so minutes of being massaged, I was feeling like myself again.

And now I'm back. Completely. I know that we will probably continue to get bad news over the next few weeks. It's always how it goes.....things are great with very few cares, then BAM. Over the head with everything possible that could go wrong, with the exception of paralysis or death. But I'm back to myself, and I can handle it. Steve and I have been acting like our old selves, and that helps. I'd been dealing with his depression over hating Target for over a month, then he lost it, and a whole new kind of depression hit him. And, being the human emotion sponge that I am, I took it all and it got me down.

I don't know how to stop being a human sponge. I don't know that I want to learn. It makes me who I am, which is empathetic to others when they are hurting and I think generally makes me an alright person. I don't want to lose that. I just need to start my yoga again.

But things between Steve and I are okay again, which I knew would happen. We are still learning how to read each other when the other is down. I tend to get really introverted and need time to myself....he took that as me wanting to be away from him. Those little things that only time will make us aware of. And we joke about how we feel that we've been together 10, almost 11 years, but things like this make it obvious that we really haven't.

And the learning is the best part. Because I love him. And it's worth it.

BUT---if anyone knows of any jobs open, please let me know!!!!