Still existing in a bit of a whirlwind. That's all the same shit.

But there are some new moments that are surfacing. And I am really enjoying them.

The first one is noting how this whole process has happened. It has happened relatively pattern free. So far, nothing of what I've done to handle this has been a typical Tory pattern. I am so thankful for that.

I haven't thrown myself into any one else to forget the pain or ease my pain. On the contrary, I have been presented with a situation which could easily be that, and I have fought against it. Instead of finding an instant boyfriend, just add water style, I am finding out more about a person that I'm spending time with. And while it's confusing and feels weird to go at this pace, it's actually turning out to be something quite nice. And I will still know, in my heart, that I did this on my own. I didn't rely on someone else to help me through it in that way. Of course, my friends and family have helped me in amazing ways, but it's different.

I haven't kept any of this inside. I haven't hidden any of this from myself or pretty much anyone in my life. I haven't worn a sign that says "I'm Grieving", but it also hasn't been something that I've pretended to be over instantly to give a showing of strength. No. I've found that there is more strength in staying with it, seeing it through until the end. That is where the strength lies.

I haven't felt regret about any of this. I am reminded, more and more, as to why this all needed to happen the ways in which it happened. There is a reason for it all. And I know my reasons, know my path, and will continue to grow and be more whole as this process goes on.

I haven't hated my therapist. That is a big one. I've dreaded going to sessions because I knew what it would be. But in all the talks, I have found something much bigger than just my issues...I have found that it's okay. It's just okay. It's okay to take time with healing, if it means truly healing. It's okay to wake up one day and feel like I'm on top of the world and wake up the next day feeling like I couldn't be any lower. Those are all natural steps to healing. And I am healing.

I think the most important thing is realizing I need patience with myself. I have always been quick to get over things and people on the outside, but carried them with me on the inside. That is changing. I am releasing people and events because they need to be gone from me. I am finally going back through my life and really looking at what needs to stay and what needs to go. And the more I release, the more room I have for the good I see and have around me. The anger is still there, and some faces are popping up that I haven't thought of in years. But they are popping up because this is their final hurrah. This is the time that they will be leaving for good. And it's scary, but exciting.

As each day passes, I get a bit closer. I'm not too far from fully being in control of those things that have been controlling me for years. I'm hitting that final wall, and dealing with years worth of shit. But just like every other obstacle, it will come down when it's time.

And time is something I've got plenty of.