I had another run in yesterday with my gains and losses regarding this whole situation.

It was very nice to be able to completely articulate just what it was I felt I had lost in regards to the relationship. Now I know what to fully mourn for.

Just as important, I was reminded again that my gains are equally important....what I gained both in the relationship and as it was ending.

I don't know, really, where this new rush of feeling is coming from. I don't know if I'm feeling the way I do because I feel my spirituality is returning to me, or if I am out of the woods and done with the "crisis mode" I was in for a long while.

My therapist put it in a good way....we were talking about how I am advancing in therapy, and he mentioned that I had changed leaps and bounds from September and November. He said, "During that time, we were just trying to get you through the week, through each day."

I knew that on some level....but to hear him say it reminded me of how I was all encompassed with what was going on in my life. It surrounded me, suffocated me, stole every waking moment and took over my sleep. Just getting through each day was a difficulty, and while I thought I would make it through, I don't know that I ever KNEW that I would. I hoped. I thought. But knowing, well, that was a different story.

And here I am, on the other side of it now. Not completely done, not by a long shot. There are still things floating to the surface that I must deal with. But, while those are daunting, they are to be overcome. I am now able to separate my daily existence with those things I need to deal with from my past, either from my very recent past or from years before.

And that is a really good feeling. That separation. That sense of self, without being in a "crisis mode". Knowing, KNOWING, that I made it through.

But most importantly, I like the new me. I like who I am becoming. I like what I look forward to in my future. There is still questioning and doubt, of course, because none of us can know what will happen in the future. But it's no longer a thing I dread or worry about.

What will be will be. And I am not stupid enough to think I have much say in it. Of course, I will do what I can to further myself along on this path, but ultimately, it lands in the hands of the unknown, and I am, again, very happy and willing to embrace the idea that I am being cared for and watched by Them. And have been blessed enough to know that I have choices, even though my path has already been made. I will continue to make choices that not only nurture myself, but those around me. I will continue to heal and take comfort in the fact that I am not alone.....on this plane or others.