I am reaching a very weird and interesting point in my life right now. I feel that in certain ways, I am regressing to the old Tory, the much younger Tory. At the same time, the things I'm doing again that remind me of that young Tory are taking on a much deeper meaning.

It's almost like progressively regressing.

It makes no sense.

An example: This haircut. It reminds me of when I was in my early twenties. While I would never wish to go back to that time, there was something about it that had a spark of something I feel I'm getting back. Not so much innocence, because that is gone from me, but something else. It reminds me of a time when I lived for myself. But even back then, my living for myself was laced with living like I thought I should to attract someone. That part of it is gone. It is the pure living for myself, with no fear or concern of attracting anyone.

I wonder if this is what maturity is. If maturity is the ability to do the things you once did, yet look at life through a completely different lens. My body is still changing. It is still slimming down in areas that haven't looked this way since high school. And while I'm not quite wearing my high school size, I'm noticing shifts in how my body is looking. Drastic shifts from five months ago. And this haircut reminds me of being much younger. Looking at me, I am falling back to the way I used to look in my youth.

But on the inside....that is where things are totally different. I no longer look at life with innocence or naiveté. I am seeing things and people for what they are, beyond the exterior they present to the world. My appearance is that of a time when it was so easy to use me and take advantage of me. My insides are hardened to reality. Yet I lost my bitterness. It is knowledge of how things are, and an acceptance of those things.

It's a very interesting dichotomy. It's like the young me and the new me are meeting in a new realm. One where I am in control. One where I am stronger and wiser than I ever could have imagined.

I really like what's happening in my life. I am enjoying all of these changes. I am very excited to see where they take me. I know I am far from done changing. The day we stop is the day we die. But things that once weighed me down have lifted. I reached the final, and very painful, stage in grieving. That is a thing of the past. I am over Steve and the relationship. And it was a very amazing moment. It was the moment when I realized it was over. It's like a small bomb went off inside my head and I knew, in every part of me, that I was done grieving. I was ready to move on.

I'm still not ready to be in a relationship. That just isn't a desire I have right now. I am very much so enjoying my time alone, focusing on me and where I want to be, what I want to do. It is very liberating. I am focusing on myself, truly, for the first time ever. It's not tainted by loneliness or wishing to have something I don't have. This is a first. It is pure, unadulterated love and joy at the place I am in at this moment. I feel like I have been driving for years and finally cleaned the windshield. Things are much clearer. Things are much more stable. Things are more real.

I am done healing. That is such an amazing feeling. I am done processing. I am done grieving. I am done thinking obsessively about things. And it is a freedom I didn't even realize was possible. It was something I never thought I would be able to attain.

I have truly risen from the ashes. I looked at the situation I was in, events that led me to that place, faced my fears and my past patterns, fought within myself, and won. The moment I realized I won was the moment I realized that I wasn't just fighting external forces. I was fighting a battle within myself that long needed to be fought. I didn't just end my marriage: I ended who I was. I started over. I rose from what was me and became who I am now.

And I will continue to become who I need to be. I guess I am in the process of becoming.