I found out that Riley has to have his cat put to sleep. So I sent him an email. And it was the first one I'd sent to him in awhile. I guess he wrote to me during the divorce, and I don't remember getting it at all.

But after I wrote to Riley, I looked at the folders I had of saved messages from the years. This is my Yahoo account, which I rarely use. I had some folders that contained emails from my exes (when they were currents) and, since I am never really on Yahoo, never erased.

And I'm glad.

It's so much fun to look back at those relationships as I am now and see who I was back then. See those moments when I would have handled things differently. See those moments when I handled things in just the right way. And the exes that I have folders of are the ones I am still okay to talk to (and some I do).

I have had some shitty, shitty exes in my time, and it always makes me forget about the two or three good ones I've had.

It's very interesting....in therapy, we are working on trying to integrate the old Tory back into the new Tory, and the different parts of me that need to be nurtured in order to have a complete, whole sense of being. I think my therapist is afraid that, by getting rid of my old ways, I would also be getting rid of my old good parts. I like to think of it as more of using a flour sifter to keep the good and get rid of the bad.

But if I were to truly get rid of the old Tory (which I can't ever do, only alter the way I used to think), I would be getting rid of those memories of those chosen few who were decent who I shared my life with for a time. And that isn't something I want to do either.

I think I've noticed, in the last half hour of reading these emails, just how differently I think now. Usually, when I would read things from old loves, I would be filled with a sadness that was usually followed by loneliness. Now, I sit and read these emails that I haven't seen in years and laugh, smile and remember what it felt like to be in that specific situation. There isn't a sense of loss or sadness or loneliness. It's just more of those happy memories that are filling me up and supporting me instead of weighing me down.

What an interesting journey this "life" thing is....