The hell?

What am I still doing up?

I just returned an email from my best friend from high school, Carri. It's amazing how those memories of us and all the crazy stuff we did come crashing in on me when I least expect them to.

It seems that I've been living in the past lately, at least as far as my blog entries go. But I haven't. I'm finally to a place where those memories don't haunt me, they tickle me. I don't have the feelings of loss or regret or pain that I used to feel when thinking of my high school/middle school days.

It's so wonderful to be able to look back on who I've been, what I've been through and see who I've become. Of course, there are still scars that mark me and shape my actions. There are things that I've gone through that will never go away. But that's life. We've all had those moments. They feel like they're the worst ever because they are happening to us. Even when someone else has a similar experience, they can't have felt it as strongly because they aren't us. And it makes sense. Of course we can only judge how things feel to others based on what we've felt.

My life has been full of so many wonderful things, so many painful things, and so has everyone else's. That's what makes us friends with those we are close to, what makes us be able to listen to someone else and nod, knowing what they mean.

I will never pretend that I've had a hard life. I've had hard knocks here and there, things that have set me back a few feet from where I wanted to be, but my life has been a good one.

Maybe it's this time of year that lends itself to introspection. Maybe it's because I can't leave my brain at home and romp through a field.....I am cozied up with myself and I really like her.

Maybe it's just one more reminder that I'm on the right path and doing what I should be doing. And with the right person.

But I started feeling it a bit when I was alone. That's what makes it all the more special. I have someone to spend the rest of my life with and I love every moment.....but I know I can make it on my own. And that only makes me a better girlfriend, wife, mother, person. The healthier I am the better my relationships will be. I can't love anyone else if I don't love myself.

And that is worth all the therapy in the world.