It found me today

I have come to believe that, like pets, they find you, you don't find them. I am talking about movies. Certain movies find us at certain times in our lives, and we can't ignore them or their meaning.

A case in point (before getting to today's movie): Kill Bill Vol 1&2. The first volume came to me at a time in my life which was okay. Things seemed to be going well. I saw it once, couldn't wait to see volume 2, then forgot about them. Both. Then, Mike's suicide. Shortly after his death, I watched volume 2. I found the movie that would help to get me through the pain. As stupid as it may sound (and, I am fully aware of movie magic and allowances that are taken from both director and actor), the movie made me realize I could make it though anything. If Beatrix Kiddo could suffer as much as she did and come back, swinging and full of life, so could I. And, while living through a suicide isn't the same as being buried alive and killing the Crazy 88, mine was real. Hers was scripted. So, the balance was made and I could forgive the fact that it was fiction and revel in her strength, her power, her unending need to set things right and have revenge. The Black Mamba helped me live though a horribly painful time, a pain that I had never felt before, although I had been present for the passing of those I loved in the past. This was a completely different pain, unlike any other I had experienced.

Which brings me to today. As is my want, I ignored all the homework I was going to do during spring break and waited until, that's right, today. I was researching for a paper due on Monday and I decided to take a break. I had been going at it for a few hours and needed to relax my mind a bit. Turned on HBO and there, not five minutes in, was The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.

This movie affects me in different ways. There is the theatre part of me that understands the real sorrow the actors felt as they finished their 3 year shoot. There is a connection one gets when working with other actors, and no matter how often you see your fellow performers after the experience is over, there is a special bond. You become someone else with others who are on the same journey, and it's a very special experience. And, when the time comes to end the show, there is a sadness that is really unexplainable. As I watched ROTK, I felt that sadness with the actors as well as the characters as they said goodbye to each other.

Another way is simply the beauty of the story. It is so wonderful, it captures the nature of humankind, the good and the bad. It is beautifully told, wonderfully shot and, well, it makes me cry in more than one place.

The third (but not last) reason this movie affects me more than your average movie is the first of the last times I saw it. There was a LOTR marathon at my friend's home, and we started at 10 am and went until almost 2 am, taking a break between each movie and checking out the extras. We watched the full, uncut versions and ate MUCH food. That was January 16, 2005.

I got the call about Mike from mom on the morning of January 17. Less than 10 hours after crying about the ending of the saga, I was crying over the ending of a life.

Now, when I watch ROTK (which, by the way, has never been intentional after that day) I am filled with many different feelings of sadness and loss.

Today is the last day of Dido. The cast and crew will be there tomorrow to strike the set and have a pool party. Then, we will go our separate ways. Some I will see in a month at the wedding. Some I will see here and there in other performances. But, this is my last performance for a long time. I decided to no longer do theatre while in school, and I have a few more years of schooling. Then, planned parenthood shortly after my degree is attained. I don't know how much time I will have for performing, although I know I won't be able to stay away forever. I plan on helping out with Shakes, on a as-can-do basis.

A few days ago, Kill Bill Vol 2 found me again. It was one of the first warm days when the windows could be opened. Which was perfect. One of my fondest and saddest memories of my life a year ago was watching Vol 2, windows open (even if it was too cold), letting the breeze cleanse me as I cleansed my apartment from all unneeded clutter. It was a time when I didn't leave the apartment without taking at least two bags of trash or bags for the homeless shelter with me. I cleansed myself of all I didn't need, knowing I couldn't take it with me anyway, and if the memory is important enough, it would stay with me, without having to have some physical reminder.

Today, the windows are sort of open. This is the first time I've been alone in a long time, with Steve being at work. The sun was shining on me as I lay on the couch with Kitten, watching the end of a journey taken by hobbits, elves and human, feeling the end of my own journey with Dido hours away, and knowing that there is so much more to come.

The sadness is still there. But I know there is more to come. Not of that saga.....both are over. But there are new adventures waiting around the corner and for the first time in a long time, I am ready to get on the boat leaving Middle Earth and experience what else there is out there. My sadness too will have an end. That saga can't reign forever. And it won't. But for now, the sound of the ceiling fan clicking and the tapping of my fingernails on the keyboard are soothing my sorrow away.

I guess I'm just not afraid anymore.