The end to much

So today was the last day of finals. I don't know how confident I feel about my Italian final, but it's done and I have to leave it that way.

Ending a semester always fills me with a tiny bit of sadness. It's leaving the old, the comfortable, the acquaintances I've made. But ending this semester is ending much more than my last fall semester as an undergrad. It's leaving a semester full of really bad memories.

In this semester, I found out about my husband's affair, confronted him, kicked him out of the apartment, found a new apartment and moved, filed for and was granted a divorce, started therapy and generally changed the entire course of my life.

There is a part of me that wants to blame Steve for my shitty grades in Italian. Because of him and what he did, I wasn't able to concentrate for about two weeks after the confrontation. I lost about two weeks worth of information in all of my classes. With my sociology classes, I could afford it a bit more, because I have a very solid foundation in that field. I was able to take a few weeks and get completely back on track.

But with Italian.....I missed some very important basics within those two weeks. They were the first few weeks of the semester.

However, I am not going to blame him for that. There is no point any longer in playing the blame game. I know my reasons for those grades suffering, and I must deal with them. Just like I've had to deal with all the other things put before me in these last few crazy months. By blaming him, I'm taking away my agency, and I refuse to do that. I know the consequences of actions done, and I'll leave it at that.

So today closes out not only my last fall semester as an undergrad, but a semester full of pain and loss. And anger. And depression.

And I am very glad to be letting it go.