AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No matter what, auditioning scares the hell out of me. I'm going over my monologue for Cubicle auditions on Monday and Tuesday, and I am shaking. Yes, shaking from saying my monologue out loud in my dining room, alone. It's my theatre company. It's my friends I'm auditioning for. It's part of my Chicago family. And I'm shaking. GGrrrrr....... AND it's not just the monologue....I have to sing. Now, in my high school days, I won medals for my singing in choir. I was the lead in high school musicals. When I'm alone in the house, I sing all the time. Even when Steve's around, I belt out a tune here and there. It helps that he's so musical.....he kinda brings it out in me. But my singing for competition stopped after graduation. I haven't had an audition at all since the late 90's. I've done shows, but they've been with my theatre companies and I haven't had to audition for them. They knew my strenghts and weaknesses, and knew what I could and couldn't do.

Now, an audition. And singing. My nerves are at an all time high. Plus, I had a shitload of coffee this morning at my work meeting at 8 am. That could be adding to it. I know my reaction to being nervous....my voice shakes. That isn't too bad, when doing a monologue. It usually passes after the first few lines. But when singing, I sound like the coroner from Wizard of Oz and Katherine Hepburn had a love child. Or someone is pounding on my back. Yeah, fun.

But I'm hoping the song I chose will help to aleviate some of the stress. It's a funny song, and funny songs you can play with. If I had to belt out "Memory", I would probably cry. I really need to get over that fear of singing, especially since Cubicle is a musical. Again, if I'm singing in character where I can concentrate on being the character, I'm fine. But being Tory and singing, well, kinda frightening.

The smell of fear. The panic of forgetting lines. The knowledge that I'm being judged, regardless of who is doing the judging. The less than five minutes in a room, standing in front of people, trying my best and knowing it could end up not working out. These are the things that keep actors in therapy. And it keeps us going. Knowing that you just MIGHT land that part. Knowing that you just MIGHT impress them enough to have them keep your headshot out. Knowing that if you DO land the role, you will be on stage, under the lights, the smell of the theatre, the energy coming off the audience, the connection to all the cast members, the bonds you create with the words.......all of these things are the pot at the end of the theatrical rainbow. All of these things are what keeps me in this profession. That, and I have no freakin' choice. This is my passion in life, my dream. What made me hold down crappy day jobs to pay rent so I could be on stage. My love.

And I'm still shaking.

But then again, true love always makes me shake.