I have written several posts that I decided to keep as drafts, but I didn't really know why. There really seemed no reason for me to self-censer on my own blog, but I did.

And I think I know the reason now.

Moments, feelings, memories....all of those are fleeting. A song, the smell of a breeze that glides across your face, a smile...those are things that can trigger something very strong. But if you sit still long enough, you come to realize that those feelings, while strong, are fleeting. And once the moment passes, you realize the strength behind those thoughts isn't as strong as you believed them to be.

I have named many gifts I received in the last half of a year, and at the time they all seemed like the most important gift of all. And I realize they were all important, and all will be used for the rest of my life.

So for today, the greatest gift I received is the ability to let the past lie where it is....the past. Sure, I will take pain and laughter with me as a result of moments in my past, but I have started to release their hold over me. And they have had a much stronger hold on me than I could have ever imagined.

At this very moment, I sit at my computer empty yet full. I am completely living in this moment...hearing the tapping of my fingers on the keys, the ceiling fan buzzing above me, the clock ticking. Everything that has ever happened to me, the wonderful and the horrible, are all settled in a corner of my mind, quiet for the first time I can ever remember. I feel empty with them silently sitting there, yet I feel completely in control and full of life. Life. Something that I always assumed I was full of because, well, I'm living. But there is such a difference between being alive and being alive.

And the best part? I am feeling this way, completely alive and electrified, while sitting by myself.

I now know, completely, the meaning of inner peace. All those moments when I was so close to it and believed I had it...it was simply preparing me for this moment. This moment in time when I hear all the world existing around me, yet inside I am quiet. All of those memories are supporting me, holding me up instead of weighing me down.

That's where the feeling of being full comes in. Not full of food or drink, or even happiness. Just full of life. It's the weirdest thing. And I love it.

I don't know how long it will last. It may slip away when faced with finals or preparing for graduation, or any of the daily experiences of living. But I will remember this feeling. The feeling of every hair on my body standing at attention. The way I feel weightless yet firmly grounded. Full of energy but content to sit and exist.

This is the perfect moment I have been waiting for in all these years of searching. And it came from within myself.

There is no greater gift than that.