Coupla things....

First of all, the audition came and went. I got a part, which I believe is small. A small part is awesome. I really wanted to do the show, but with school and working two jobs on top of that, I was afraid rehearsals would get to be too much. But considering it's a musical, and singing is not my strongest point, I think it would have been a small part, if any, regardless of what I wanted. And I'm okay with that. It's going to be my first on-stage experience with New Millennium. I'm so stoked.

On another note, Steve is really down. I understand why (the ex filled his head with bullshit, like he was worth nothing and everything was his fault, etc). He is now, in an attempt to deal with all the massive life changes we've been going through, turning on himself. His self confidence is completely gone, and I don't know what to do about it. I know I can't fix him, and he is quite aware of that as well. I don't know how to let him know that being there for him and helping him is what a relationship is about. He feels guilty for unloading how he feels on me, but he doesn't realize it's my job. It's what I signed up for when I said I would be with him forever. I'm not stupid enough to think we would be happy 24/7. We are human. Humans don't work that way. But I told him I would be with him through the good and the bad. This is some of the bad.

The thing I still don't get is this: we can pretty much pinpoint WHO these ideas came from......yet why is this person still a part of our lives? I understand his wanting to not be 'that guy' who refuses to forgive an ex. I understand wanting to have as few enemies or people you avoid as possible. Yet when her name is even MENTIONED, let alone when she sends him a text message or 'stops by' to see him at work, I get the creepy crawlies. She is toxic. She is an emotional vampire, taking what she can and sucking everyone dry. Once they've dried up, she leaves. As she did with him. She got what she wanted from him, let him go, and realized he wanted her back. She played him like a goddamn yo-yo, destroying all he thought about himself and his sense of worth. Now we are left to piece him back together (which I will gladly do) and she gets to say *sniffsniff* "I'm SO sorry" and here we are. We are trying to get the poison out of his body while the supplier of it stops by to have a drink with a friend while he's working. How can we get rid of her when she is right there?

As a side note, I want NONE of this to come off as jealousy. There is no part of me that is jealous of their relationship. I could turn into Godzilla and still be a better girlfriend than she was. And, there is no part of me that is afraid because she's still in the picture. I just want her out of the picture so we can work on fixing what she fucked up. The blame is mostly on her. And she hurt him. Badly. And for that I will never be interested in being around her. In fact, she makes me sick to my stomach. Feeling a little queezy right now.....

Arg. It's so frustrating to see the reason it happened and know that there's nothing I can do to make the reason go away so we can work on healing. Infuriating. Is it too much to ask to want her to move away and make someone ELSE'S life miserable for awhile? I mean, isn't her work here done? Damn.