It's been awhile

I feel like it's been a long time since I've really written anything here. I think there have just been so many things happening that I haven't really had time to process it all. Everything is good, it's just overwhelming.

I think I've hit my final stages of dealing with all this shit. It's a good feeling, absolutely, but it leaves me feeling a little empty. I know I have many other things to work on and deal with, but I've focused on healing from the last two years so much that, now that it's almost over, I don't know what to think or feel. It's very weird.

I know there are things about the last two years that I will never be over. I don't know how I'm going to trust again. I don't know how I will react when put in a situation where I have to really trust someone with my heart or feelings. I do know that I have come out of this situation much stronger and much wiser.

I am having a hard time thinking of what I want or need to say and that makes me believe that there is something still there, something under the surface.

I think I'm still scared. The reason I've fought being in a relationship this entire time is because I needed to heal and I refused to jump right into something with someone simply so they could be a distraction for me. I am over doing that. But it's been so long, and now that I'm feeling ready to get back out there, all those fears are coming back up to the surface. That's the reason I know there are still things I will never be over, or at least not for a very long time. I know those are the things that are blocking me from really being open on here.

I don't know. Being in a safe place with no physical memories is helping so much. Being around people who knew who I was years ago helps. Knowing I can walk down any sidewalk and not have to worry about running into any significant ex is very freeing. And it's giving me the time to really search deep down within myself and know what's left to sift through.

I guess I am just in those final stages of sifting. It's very freeing, but I understand the pain Inigo Montoya went through when he said, "It's very strange. I've been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life."

I guess I could always consider piracy. I bet I would make a great Dread Pirate Roberts.

Veeery interesting idea...

I am watching "The History of Sex" on the History Channel and they are talking about WWII and the creation of the pin-up girl. One expert was talking about how soldiers had a lot of free time and no real connections to their sweethearts back in the states except letters and pictures. So they would look at pictures of the pin-up girls that were created for them (from magazines like "Yank" and others)(not the sexual connotation of 'yank' either). As they were looking, they had the time to sit and really think about what they thought was beautiful and how it changed their perceptions of beauty. And made them realize just what it was that they were going to be coming home to.

I paused it so I could write this, and maybe this will come up later, but I wonder just how much this impacted what was socially considered beautiful as far as women were concerned. It's interesting to think that these soldiers could have changed the course of what was considered beautiful because of the time they had to stare at cartoon drawings of women and either believe they were real or believed they would be coming home to that reality.

Very interesting...