Nothing much new to report here. Continually procrastinating on getting the resume done. I know why. This has been the first real week where I could exhale for almost a year. The move is done. School is done. Graduation is done. Just time to chill out and work on some awesome recipes for my new veganism. Which, today, I made some kick ass spinach and asparagus with a tomato, garlic and mushroom sauce. Yummy.

I watched "The Starter Wife" tonight. IT was really good, actually. It's not any sort of reality that anyone I know experiences, but the sentiment is universal to a point. The moment you realize you've been living your life for someone else, you are free to start living it for yourself. Just that sort of thing.

Wow. There is really nothing coming out of my mouth (or fingertips) tonight. At least nothing that sounds good. Damn the TV blaring in my ears.

The move went so smoothly. All is unpacked. It feels like more of a home than anyplace I can really remember since leaving my childhood home. It's just a very good feeling.

I don't know whether it's PMS or the fact that I've actually lived enough to understand, but "Forrest Gump" was on TV and I started watching it. I had huge parts of it memorized when I was in high school. Sometimes I would watch it and cry, especially when people died. But tonight was different. Tonight I cried during most of it.

I think it's because I've lived so much more than I had when in high school. I understood each of the characters in a much deeper way than before.

Especially Jenny.

I never understood her actions. I always thought she was selfish and didn't deserve Forrest. I didn't know why she did the things she did or the ways she hurt herself. I thought she was stupid for it.

But tonight, I just saw someone who was lost. Someone who needed to continually hurt herself because she didn't know what else to do. And I saw myself in her in so many ways.

She finally found her happiness and the calm she needed, but it was too late for her. She wasn't able to live long enough to really enjoy it. This is where we are different. Instead of stretching self destruction into decades, I packed mine into one. And I've lived quite a bit in that decade. And none of it was healthy. I've made some amazing friends and have connections with people that started in that decade, but I was never okay with myself. I was never at peace with myself. There was always some sadness driving me to do things I knew weren't good for me. But I made myself believe it was the best I could get.

Now I know differently. And if I have my way, I will have many more decades to enjoy this new sense of self.

It's so funny the way things happen. This movie was overplayed, quoted too much and became one of those movies that you enjoyed when it came out, but soon forgot about after a few years. And tonight, it had a completely different meaning for me. I almost didn't watch it. But now I need to own it.

One thing about life....it's funny sometimes. It can give us those little reminders of just who we are, who we were, and if we're incredibly lucky, who we strive to be and know we can be.

It's the Final Countdown

Do do doooo do, dododododooooo do do doooo do do....

Yes, that was the synthesizer sound of the 80's hit from Europe. I am just that cool.

So I made a list that I will live by for the next three days, and I can't even say just how excited I am about it. I've already taken the plants to the new place, and the shower curtain is up. Tomorrow I will take the Pappy box, Patty and Ethel and the water can for the plants to the new place. Tuesday I'm going to take all my bathroom stuff and get the new bathroom ready, completely. I think that will help in a few ways. The first way is obvious, but the other way it will help is that Kitten will be surrounded by things she knows in the new place while locked up for a bit. I'm hoping this move will be as easy as possible on her. She's doing so well with the behavior program, and I don't want her to slip back into being evil.

The new place is just beautiful. I can't wait. And it's so quiet. But I think I over glamorized the parking situation a bit in my head...however, it's a safer neighborhood and I don't remember feeling weird when walking to the old place before.

I just can't wait. Three days and I'm out of here.

Tomorrow is a big day, with all I have to do and the Murder Mystery tomorrow night. I just have the very strong feeling that, by this time next week, my new place will be all unpacked and very much so a home. Shit, I'm so giddy!

Still waiting on two more classes to chime in with my grades, but the rest of them are A's.

I was going to watch "What the %@*&% Do We Know Anyway" this week, but I can't find it. I will have to continue the search next week, after I get moved in.

Yes, I moved the move date from two weeks to next week. I'm ready. And the thought of sitting around a noisy apartment surrounded by boxes for two weeks, when there is a quiet, new place to be moved into that is just sitting there empty, makes me cringe. I'm starting to get really frustrated with this neighborhood. Kitten can't sit in the window for more than a few minutes before a bus or siren goes blaring by and she freaks out and runs away. In the new place today, I was cleaning and heard nothing but birds chirping, a couple of people talking as they were leaving the courtyard, and a car or truck going by every ten minutes or so. That is ideal. That is what I'll be getting in five days.

And that makes the rest of my time here worth it.

I do love this apartment. As Laura said once, when you walk in, it's like walking into a hug. It just has a very good feel about it. And the new place does as well. The new place is very welcoming and comfortable. I thought it was about the same size as this one, but since I was in it today, I think it may be a bit bigger. Not by much, but by some.

Getting away from this noise and dirt grime will be very good for me. Although it sucks that I won't be within walking distance to Laura anymore, but since I have the hog, I won't have to worry about finding parking around here when I do come to see her. Plus, walking back at night never made me feel very great. Now I won't have to worry about that either.

So yeah...lots of excitement over the last month, and this move will be the new start. Then I'll get my new job, start my new school, and just continue to be happy.

Holy shit

So far, the two grades that are available online are my two science classes. The grades for both?

A!!!!!!!!!

I'm just waiting for my two sociology grades, which I think will both be As as well.

I can't believe this!

So maybe I just need to continue going through life thinking I'm not doing well and wait for the results! This is just crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!

The weekend

This weekend = Amazing.

Got to spend a lot of quality time with Mom, Dad and Mamaw.

Graduation was long, but wonderful. We were the last group to receive our diplomas (Bachelors of Arts and Sciences) and when I was about five steps from the stage, I actually started to feel nervous. I got that feeling in my stomach like I was about to be on stage performing. And in a way I guess I was.

The after party was very congested, packed with people from corner to corner. It was in much too small of a place, but it was still nice. Once the crowd started thinning out a bit.

Then that night at Dames with mom and dad. Mamaw decided to stay in that night, and dad was the VSP. And he loved it! There are some very incriminating pictures of it.... But it was a blast. They really enjoyed themselves, laughing and seeing my friends.

Saturday was nice...it was kinda quiet, even though we did some shopping and running around the city. It was a much slower pace than Friday, and it was very nice.

Then today, I got to have breakfast with them for Mother's Day. I haven't been able to do that much in the last few years, either because of having shows or doing the Breast Cancer walk. But it was so nice to be able to wake up with them and have breakfast.

I still kinda feel like I'll be going back to Roosevelt, either this upcoming week or this fall. I don't know that it's really sunk in yet that I'm done. Done. Maybe because I have another five years of schooling before I'm really done. But my time at Roosevelt is over, and I don't know how I'll feel when that really sinks in.

I'm sure I'll have much more on my plate as the time passes this next year and a half. Working, taking the GRE, continuing with volunteering...all of those things will make me more than busy, so maybe it won't be so bad.

Then the hell starts....and I can't wait.

So for now, I will concentrate on moving and making my new place as wonderful as this one. I will find that job that will make me happy and feel I'm doing something great. I will ace my GREs and be accepted to my school of choice. All of these things will happen, because I will make them happen. It's up to me now. And I'm more than ready for the challenge.

I can't sleep.

There is too much excitement that has been going on for the last week. I know that's why I can't sleep. And I don't want to take anything because I have to be up early tomorrow for an event.

I technically finished all of my school work today. I'm done. I just have to turn the paper in tomorrow.

It is a very nice feeling, actually. I'm not sad right now, because I will still see everyone on Friday at graduation. Then this weekend will be filled with the party and the family in town, so I'm sure I won't be thinking of it much this weekend. Next week, I may. But I will be busy starting to box things up and looking for a job.

This really isn't anything at all, just me hoping that the clicking of my fingers on the keys will make me sleepy. I guess I should just imagine that I'm writing a paper. That should knock me out.

Double the Nerdiness

So I had my two honor ceremonies today.

The first one was for AKD. It was so much fun, and so funny! I was being my usual ham for the camera, and Heather made a comment that there would be a prize for the person who used their tassels (lanyards?) in the most creative way. I said "Yes" out loud and put up a fist, and she quickly retracted the comment, laughing the whole time. We made stupid jokes (at one point, Art leaned over and said, "Sociologists make the worst jokes of all time" and I smarted off something about Durkheim thinking the same thing) and talked and just had fun. The lanyards are a gorgeous teal color, and are basically the combination of both of my favorite hues of blues and greens. I'm so happy about that!

The second ceremony was funny, but still much more stuffy than the last one. I got a yellow rose to go with the yellow lanyard and a certificate showing my honor. That was nice.

And it was the perfect cap to a biology final that I just didn't care about at all. I know I did poorly on the first part of it, and may have done alright for the last two sections, but again, I really don't care right now. I'm just glad it's done.

Tomorrow is nothing but working on my last final, due Thursday, and volunteering. And cleaning the apartment so the family can at least walk through it. Near the end of the semester, the place always falls apart. And I've been really good about keeping it clean the rest of the time. So when it gets like this now, it bugs the shit out of me.

I have an event on Thursday in the early afternoon, turn in my final, and I'm done. All except selling the books back and walking down the aisle. But unlike the last time I walked down an aisle, what I'm getting this time will be with me forever.

This is the point where it all gets really, really exciting!

Second verse, same as the first

Another final today, this time in biology. I'm not too worried, though. I've gotten really good grades on the last few assignments, and from what I calculated, I am standing at a B+ right now. So there is some pressure taken off to ace the final. Because I know that won't happen anyway...

After the final, I have my AKD honor ceremony, then my Franklin Honor Society ceremony, then doing some final work for the Institute. Today is another big day...

I may be posting quite a bit today. I have more time before my next final.

Just finished up with therapy for the last time. Well, the last time here with my therapist. I have to say, it was sad. It's hard to separate ending therapy with ending the relationships I've had here for the last three years, and all in all, it is just a sad moment.

But there is still that part of me that knows it's all going to be alright. In fact, I've been singing the chorus from "Lullaby" in my head since I left his office.

"Everything's gonna be alright, rockaby"

And when I was walking down the hall afterward, I had that strange sensation of being an adult. It's weird, but it feels like something covering me, a thin layer of something that just makes me feel older. I have those moments every once in awhile, and it's always so strange when they come. There is no way to explain it, other than to say there is some thin covering on my soul. Yeah, that cleared it up, didn't it?

Anyway, this is just a weird day. Things are really starting to seem final during finals week for the first time. This really is final, for this place at least.

Until I make everyone's worst nightmares come true and come back here to teach. The youth of America in my hands....oh yes.

One final down, three to go.

I have to say, I'm starting to get a bit sad. There are people that I've become close to here, and I know I won't be seeing them again after this week. I think it was my prof, Cherise, that really did it for me. As I was handing in my final, she got a look on her face and started to ask me something at the same time I started talking. I said, "I'll see you Friday at graduation" and she said, "I was just going to ask how done you were." I said, "I am done, done." she gave me a sad look.

It's such a wonderful time, but so many things are ending within a week. Therapy will be done after today, I won't see the faces I've been used to seeing almost every day for three years, just a lot of change.

But it's all good change. And that's what is keeping me happy for the most part. Just that bit of sadness creeping in here and there.

What a weekend

This weekend was very interesting...

Friday I went through all sorts of crap, getting rid of a lot of stuff that just doesn't need to be with me anymore. Then worked the box office for Danger Zone, came home and went to bed.

Saturday I had a very weird dream and woke up crying. I know what the crying was about, and I feel that there is yet another part of my history that I understand a bit more and can deal with it, heal from it, and release it. But it still left me feeling really weird for the rest of the day.

I also have started the transition to being vegan. Saturday, I went to People's Market and stocked up on some basic substitutions for things: vegan mayo, butter substitute, flax seed for egg substitutes, tofu cream cheese, stuff like that. So far, I'm pretty impressed with how good it all tastes. The soy pudding cups were kinda disappointing, but I'm sure I'll get used to it. I'm making this transition slowly, because I know if I change everything at once, it won't work. Random dairy and eggs found in things will be the hardest, because there are so many things I didn't even realize contained those things.

Saturday night was a combination of Laura's birthday party and the closing of Danger Zone. It was a blast! At first, it was a very small gathering, since most people were either in or watching DZ. But after they closed up, we took over the bar. It was also a good night for me as well...for the first time ever, I wasn't nervous when singing karaoke. That may sound silly, but normally when I sing in front of people, my voice gets very choppy and I am all flat and just all over the place. Last night, I realized I didn't really care, and just sang like I do when I'm at home or by myself. And while it may not seem like a big deal, it is just one more way in which I've changed a bit. And I rocked the shit out of some Pat Benetar and some Flashdance! And ABBA, and Berlin, and Fionna Apple....

Since I had done a lot of work on finals on Friday and some on Saturday, today was my day of rest. I took Laura to IKEA for her birthday to get her some stuff for her new apartment. And I got myself a few little things that I'm going to be needing, like new mortars and pestles and some jars to store my spices and such. And containers to freeze popsicles and make some homemade tofu ice cream.

After IKEA, Laura and I were both tired. She slept in the car on the way back, and once I was home, I washed up my new stuff and hopped on the couch, watching Animal Planet until just now. And it was great. I watched three episodes of "Walking With Dinosaurs" and loved it. They just fascinate me.

So yeah. That was my weekend. And it was filled with some really cool things, some really sad things and the sense of change that I'm slowly getting used to.

Can I get some fries with that angst?

Apparently, I have been unhappy most of my life.

I am cleaning out my closets today. I found a huge box filled with writings, poetry, and random things I've saved throughout the years.

Starting from about fourth grade up until last year or so, I have written down how I was feeling at any given moment in time. But unlike journals, it's on random pieces of paper, in no order but some dated. A good amount are narratives about what's going on in my life and the constant heartache I was going through. Many more are poems expressing unrequited love and the pain that goes with it, depression and self-hatred.

And the numbers are in the thousands. I'm not kidding. On one piece of paper I could have written five poems, and I have a storage box full of notebooks, folders and binders.

I've known that the box existed. I've known it all this time. I've also known what was in the writings. But I was never able to look at them as who I USED to be. It was always who I AM.

It would take me days to read all of them, and I really don't want to. But I will keep them. For awhile, at least. I will keep them all on a shelf until the day comes when I have the time to take that trip back into who I used to be.

As I was sorting them, I would read the first line or so of the top sheet on a pile to see if it was a poem or some random piece of paper that could be thrown away. After reading those lines, I was filled with sadness....but not a sadness because I know that feeling because it still exists...but sad that I ever felt that way. Sad that I never loved myself enough.

And the fact that I can see it that way makes me so happy, because it means I have found that love for myself.

In the immortal words of Phil Collins....

"Tonight, tonight, tonight....woooo-aaaah"

Biology went well. I'm not as worried about the final as I was before he explained it.

The lecture went very well. The speaker was funny and smart and knew that people wanted to get on with the evening.

The dinner was fun. The vegetables were yummy and the strawberry shortcake divine.

The conversations were fun. It was exhausting, though. Being in a room with only two other students, the faculty and dean of my department and the dean of the university was forcing me to use the cultural capital I have but am not used to using. I had to be very conscious of my voice, the words I used, the way I presented myself...all of it. But at least I do have that cultural capital to use in situations like that. Of course, I'm much more comfortable sitting around with people who are equal in power with me, laughing loudly and being myself. It's just a different world to exist in.

But at the same time, some of them consider me a person and not just a student. Of course Heather sees me as a person, because of the work I've done for and with her over the last two years. But there are some others who, when in a situation like tonight, didn't talk to me like a professor speaking to a student. Because of the work I do and did for the event tonight, the fact that I am a good student (and let's not forget the fact that I talk in class....a lot) and the fact that I was invited to this dinner made me on par with the rest of them in a certain way. The power shift is very interesting when in a social setting like tonight. While it is very "adult" and sophisticated, there is a sense that those in power were able to let down their hair a bit and just be people. And I know they ARE people, but to see that side of those who control your grades and give you knowledge, well, it's just very interesting.

But one of the most awesome things was the conversations with one of my professors, Cherise. I have learned so much from all of my professors, but there are a few who stand out as having changed the way I think in a much stronger sense. Cherise is one of those professors. And tonight, we were sitting next to each other the whole time, talking about everything from what I want to do in grad school to the power structure of the dinner to quoting "Silence of the Lambs". To have a professor lean over to me and say (as Buffalo Bill), "It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again" and then laugh like there was no one around, well, it was just a good feeling.

As the semester is rapidly winding down, I am starting to look back on my journey at Roosevelt. When I started, it was simply to escape the law firm, with hopes that I would make something more of myself. Or, at the very least, get a degree to keep me from getting shit jobs to pay the rent. I was going to work with those with schizophrenia and bi-polar disease. Then I met Heather. Then my life started to make more sense.

It's been a long three years. But at the same time, the time has flown. All the events over the last three years have changed me in many ways. I look at the world differently now, because of all I have learned from these professors who I sat next to at dinner tonight.

The speaker tonight said something that made all of us laugh and cringe at the same time. She said how she sometimes wished she could be one of those people who had no idea about how things really worked. How she wishes she could be someone who slides on a pair of pants and not worry about the child laborers who made it. She sometimes wishes she was still in the state of bliss of just not knowing. The audience laughed, then kinda sighed.

It's like the tattoo on my shoulder symbolizes...sometimes there is an eye that opens up. And once it's open, it can't close. Once this eye sees things the way they really are, there is no turning a blind eye.

With this knowledge comes power. And the real possibility of being a hypocrite every day of your life. I know it's impossible for someone to be completely socially aware and act on all they know. My professors and I are aware that an critical piece of a cell phone is obtained by slave laborers mining in Africa...yet we each have a cell phone. We were each wearing a piece of clothing that was probably made in a maquiliadora by a child. As with all things, there has to be a time when you pick your battles. Hell, just me sitting here, typing on a computer that I own is a sign of my privilege. It gets overwhelming and depressing at times.

But this is the world in which we live. And knowing about these things is the start. Dismantling the unequal power structures will come. First the knowledge must be gained. Once that knowledge is there, things can start to come together.

And I am slowly making my way to a position of power where I can start to elicit that change that needs to happen. Soon I will be educating others on ways they can create change. Working within a system to change the system.

But first, I must graduate...

Wow.

I knew that life was going to get crazy before graduation, but good lord!

Tomorrow I have the Mansfield Lecture and Dinner, which will be fun...once I actually get all the work done that needs to happen before the event. But it will be a good opportunity to talk to those who are paying me and spend time with those professors that I enjoy hanging out with. Yeah, I'm a nerd like that.

But the way I see it, they will be my co-workers in about 6 years if I decide to go back to Roosevelt to teach. So it's good to have a relationship with them now. It will save on the whole "getting to know you" time at the water cooler.

Okay, funny story......

So this morning I get up and I'm already sweating. I step outside and it's beautiful. It had to be in the 80's.

So I open all the windows, throw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and decide to ride The Kiddo to school. I didn't want to wait for the bus, since I'm helping Laura move and thought I would be home quicker on the bike. I grab a hoodie, but don't really have a reason for it.

Drove to school with said hoodie wrapped around my waist. It was beautiful. And I was sweating by the time I got to school.

Fast forward to 4:15. I finish up with biology and head outside. It's a bit chillier. No big deal, I have the hoodie, right?

Start to leave, and see that Michigan is closed up. There is some march happening downtown. So I try State Street. Closed. There are no roads open going north without me having to get on the Dan Ryan. Um, no.

So I continue heading south. I'm down to the Field Museum by the time they let us make a left hand turn. This was about 40 minutes after I left Roosevelt. At Michigan and Congress.

So I go to turn on Inner Lake Shore Drive. Guess what? It's blocked off as well. I have no choice but to follow traffic......right on to Lake Shore Drive.

I started laughing to myself, thinking that they couldn't give me a ticket for being on LSD, since I had no real choice.

At first, it wasn't bad. Seeing the lake up close was very nice, and traffic was pretty backed up.

Then, as soon as we pass Congress on LSD, the traffic thins magically. And here I am, going 40 mph with people passing me WITHIN my lane!

So I'm driving, thinking I'll just get off at the next exit, which is LaSalle. As soon as we cross the bridge by Navy Pier, the temperature drops another 20 degrees or so. The winds are really strong. And I'm wearing flip flops, shorts and a hoodie. Freezing my ass off.

By the time I got home, I couldn't feel my legs. Or the toes. I think they're all still there, but I'm going to double check once I take my two pairs of socks and slippers off.

So yeah.

I've decided that, until the weather is a constant 100 degrees at all times, I am going to have to pack an entire other wardrobe anytime I decide to go somewhere on The Kiddo. This whole "Chicago weather changes on a dime" bullshit just doesn't work when hit with huge winds and nothing on extremities.

And forced on to Lake Shore Drive.

I think people passing me thought I was crazy, because there were a couple of times when I started laughing out loud to myself, thinking of just how ridiculous I had to have looked! Now that I'm warmed up a bit, I'm laughing again. It had to have been my first real "Adventures in Babysitting" ride I've taken so far.

At least I didn't have to sing the blues...