I've always had a really weird attitude toward death. The death of those I love, the loss and entire process of grieving. I have a hard time letting it all go. It lasts for years. Well, actually, if I only have one death to grieve over, I actually do pretty well. But that's never really the way it happens. It's either one death with other huge life changes happening right at the same time, or a shitload of death with nothing else in the way of life being bad.
The fact that I don't deal with death well leads to this next thing, which is really contradicting. I can't handle the death of those around me well at all, but I feel the need to look at death in pictures.
Okay, here is the story......
Steve mentioned that on rotten.com, there were pictures of what happens to people when they use meth (teeth falling out, open sores, etc). For those who don't know, rotten.com is a website NOT for the faint of heart. There are pictures of things that are nightmares for most people. Brutality, autopsies, things like that. So I hop on the site and look at the pictures of meth users, thinking of all the sociological reasons it may happen to some (because I can't turn it off) and then rummage around the site a bit more.
If I didn't think it was going to be grotesque, I didn't click on it. And it was. The pictures I saw tonight will stay with me through the night, no doubt. And maybe a dream here or there about them. But the need to see it was there.
I think it's a way that I deal with my own mortality. I think I need to see pictures of what will, inevidably, happen to all of us. And I've been on a real mortality kick lately, being very accutely aware of the fact that, one day (YEARS from now) I will die.
It sounds really morbid and horrible, but that's our culture. My friend Pat, from Romania, says that Americans don't deal with death at all like they do in her country. From the time a child is young, they start working on their "Death Quilt". Every day, day in and day out, they sit and stitch on their quilts, and every day they are reminded that they will die. By the time they are old, they are so used to the idea of dying that they accept it as a natural part of life. They aren't afraid of it. They don't dread it. They accept it with a peace that you really don't see here. And, they have beautiful quilts to give to their children, grandchildren and have these amazing family heirlooms. It shows the children who are just starting their quilts that it's okay to experience death.....we really have no choice.
I don't know where this is all coming from. I've had a great day. Steve and I got our marriage license today, and we sized my Pap's ring to fit his finger. I'm not sad or depressed or anything like that. In fact, I'm in quite a good mood.
It's just this whole death thing. I think I'm just trying to wrap my head around the thing that is unavoidable. I'm trying to see life and death through the eyes of a Romanian, and accept it as natural, beautiful and a part of life. But it's hard. We are taught in this culture to avoid it at all costs. We spend millions of dollars to look younger, be younger, and avoid what none of us can. It's a really sad thing that we do. That's why I will never get Botox. Never get a lift or tuck. I enjoy my wrinkles. My laugh lines and crows feet prove to myself and the world that I've laughed in my day. I've also cried and experienced loss, and those lines show as well. But I refuse to go through life, all the good and bad, and not show it. I refuse to have scars on the inside but have a plastic mask to show the rest of the world. I've earned every wrinkle, every scar. And damnit, I'm proud of them.
This is, by far, one of the weirdest posts I've put up. And funny, in a way, since I'm in such a good mood. But I would much rather think of these things when I'm in the place to handle it than think about it when I'm down. I guess it's the brain's way of dealing with things when they need to be dealt with and protecting me from thinking these things when I can't handle them.
But life is good. And while I have it, I'm going to live it. And when I no longer have it, well, the next journey begins. And it's not one to fear at all.