End of so many eras

I was watching what I believe to be the series finale of "Queer as Folk" just now, and it really made me realize just how many eras I have had, and how all of them have ended.

First era, the one almost everyone has, is the relatively carefree era of being young, in high school, no bills, no real responsibility. That era has so long ago passed that it's not one I sit back and wish for. But it was still there, still an important part of who I became.

Second era was Muncie. Finding out about myself through self-destructive behavior and finding my first true love. Experimenting with (almost) anything I could get my hands on. Living in a city that was not a good place for me. Meeting people that would remain in my life forever, forging friendships that would outlast any romantic relationship.

Third era, leaving Muncie and starting my life in Chicago. Starting what would be several eras in Chicago. Berlin. The Girl Bar. The friendships made, the dates taken, the ending of the first true love era. The dancing, the parties, the all night Sega playing, the Spades games. Michigan Womyn's Music Festival. The women. All the women.

Then the fourth era, the one where I start to back away from the only Queer circle and started doing theatre again. Theatre friends. Strong women who could be strong while in relationships with men. Love and loss. Always love and loss.

From that era, into the fifth era, the New Millennium era. Friends from all different paths coming together and standing by each other. The parties. The inductions which involved kidnapping, scavenger hunts and Scorpio Blaze. More love. More loss. The decision to return to school and do it right, to make something of my life, starting over again at 26.

The sixth era, the one in which I made the decision to be a wife, to the wrong person, but a wife nonetheless. The feeling of finally having what I had been longing for for many years: A partner to withstand the daily grind of life with me. It was the ultimate act of self-loathing which led to the ultimate act of self-discovery, as we move into...

The seventh era. The one where I am torn open, willingly, to figure out what has been making me do what I did for so many years. In this era, I discovered my reasons for all the eras mentioned above. The hows, the whys, the whats. All of it making sense. This was my most introspective era. But even though I was surrounded by many who loved me, I had to find something else, some other era.

My current era, my eighth era. I have the degree. I have the divorce papers. I have the job. But the city is different. The daily friends are different. The daily living is so drastically different. Hillarie is now a man. Christi and Cyndi are getting married and have a house in South Bend, the first to flee the city of the three left behind. Eric just got married. There are so many other relationships that are solidifying themselves all around me. There is no more dancing at Berlin. There is no more late night Sega. There are no more all night Spades tournaments. There is no more Patty or Ethel. There is no more experimenting. There are no more opening and closing nights. There are no more opening and closing night parties. There are no more rehearsals. There is only me, on a couch, 30, thinking back to the many lives I've lead and how each of them was so beautiful, so heartbreaking, and so over. How each of them made me exactly who I am. How each of them could have been enough by themselves for one person, but not for me.

I don't know what this next era will bring. I see more school in the future. I see more changes, but I don't know what they are yet. I just know that I have lived several lives in one lifetime, and the thought of that changing fills me with a sadness I could never imagine. The feelings of sadness when looking back at these eras is nothing compared to the sadness I feel when I even *think* this could be it, the final era.

Knowing me, it won't be. I guess my fear that we won't reincarnate after all leads me to keep creating, destroying, creating and destroying more lives within this one.

Eh, I never liked anything to be stale.

Oh my GOD!

So I am waiting to hear back from someone, and the anticipation is killing me. I am climbing the freaking walls over here!

Cause I know on the other end of the line there is something totally not cool, not alright, and it's affecting a shitload of people I love and care about. I am normally not one for long conversations on the phone, but this is one I need to have. I just want her to call me the hell back! And I'm hoping that by writing this and putting it out there in the universe, she will call.

Just urg.

CALL ME!!!