Hm..

There is a weird buzz in the air. Something is on the horizon. I feel it in my hands, in my chest and in my gut, that deep down part where intuition lives. I have no idea what's going on or what's going to happen, but from the reaction my body is having, it's gonna be a big one. And I feel like it's right around the bend.....

Loss is the universal connector

This post really has nothing to do with that, but I like it. I just heard it and it's stuck in my head.

While in Michigan this past week, I saw something that reassured me both of my own insignificance as one human among billions, and of my significance as a creature of this earth.

There was a little lake outside our hotel. It was beautiful, with swans and geese and small birds flying around it. And when it rained one morning, it was hazy and grey and reminded me of a lake in England. Even when it was grey it was happy.

So I was too hot waiting in the hotel room and told the gang I would meet up with them outside, needing to get some breeze going. I sat down by the lake and watched the random life forms moving around in and above it. This tiny bird, so small and light, swooped in and, from my point of view, barely touched the water with its beak. The immediate ripple, of course, started spreading out from the contact. Then the ripples grew bigger. And bigger. And wider. And within a time of less than a minute, the entire lake was moving in a ripple fashion because of this one little bird. This little, tiny bird with a little, tiny beak. And one quick motion, barely touching the surface of the water, created a ripple that was felt on every inch of the surface of the lake. The size of the bird in contrast to the size of the lake was astonishing, yet this little creature created such a commotion that the entire lake was affected.

No matter how small or insignificant we feel or actually are, there are tiny movements we can make, little actions we can take, that create a ripple felt universally. A touch of love. A touch of betrayal. A touch of kindness. A touch of evil. All of these little touches create the world in which we function, in which we share with the energies of all. There is no action too small that can't be felt on the far ends of the earth. And with that kind of power, imagine the intense feeling of those who are so close to the ripple's center. Just like the tiny bird, whose first touch of the lake created intense, powerful ripples that eventually became soft waves, those that we touch literally in our daily interactions are at the epicenter of those intense, powerful ripples. And what we do to others, how we interact, react and treat them creates a soft wave that travels beyond our minor, insignificant little lives.

This is a universal message. It's used in Christianity (love thy neighbor), in Wicca (what you do comes back to you threefold) and many other religions. It is used in team building exercises for large corporations. It is used to teach a three year old that hitting their friend isn't the way to interact with others.

Then when did we start to lose the power of that message? When did we, as humas, lose that intense knowledge that how we act and react creates the world around us? When did we lose that need to see just how powerful we are as creatures and accept the responsibility that goes along with that power? When did we become blind to all that happens around us?

When did we lose our power? Or rather, the knowledge of our power? When did we start to believe it was okay to lie to those we consider friends? When did we start to think it was okay to hit someone because they are smaller, weaker or different? When did we realize the power of money to control others and use it to buy or withold love? When did it become okay to break trust, betray and deceive?

The moment we lost our ability to see the tremendous, incredible power we hold within each of us. The moment we looked at ourselves in the mirror after doing something that could potentially destroy someone else and tell ourselves it's okay, we did it because we could or we wanted to or we had to. That is the moment when it became okay to abuse our power instead of use our power.

Our power and our humanity are so intricately linked. They are one in the same. Personal power becomes absolutism when humanity is taken out of the equation. And there are so few who understand or even care. But at one time we all knew. On some level, we all knew. The Great Disconnect happens somewhere along our "growth" as people.

I would like to think I kept that knowledge somewhere in my being on my journey to where I am now. Looking back, I know and can state the times where I lost it. When my actions created hurt and pain in those I loved but I didn't see or care because I did what I wanted to do at the time. It's my life and I'll live with the consequences, right? No. That's never the way it goes. There is always someone crying because of what we do. Always someone laughing because of what we do. Someone is affected in every action we take. Right now, I'm typing instead of petting Kitten. She is affected. Although she is asleep and wouldn't take too kindly of my waking her up, she is still affected.

The spider I saved in the bathroom today was affected by my choice to shoo him out of the pathway of my foot instead of smashing him. We are all connected.

All of this because I saw a tiny, insignificant little bird touch water and create a ripple that overtook the lake.

Excited and exhausted

So for the excitement.....
We are leaving tomorrow morning, bright and early, to go to Bloomington for our wedding reception there. There are so many reasons I am excited......first of all, time with mom and dad always makes me happy and centers me when I am slightly off. There is nothing like the smell of those who gave you life and unconditional love to straighten out all kinks.
Second, I am going to see friend of the family and extended family that I haven't seen in far too long. And, they are going to get to meet Steve, which is wonderful and brings all of my family full circle. And, this will get us away from daily life, a little mini-vacation and remind us once again of that just-married feeling that we've lost since the wedding due to stress and work and other things requesting our time.

Now, for the exhaustion. We are hosting a bridge convention at the hotel. In fact, we have had three really stressful HUGE conventions back to back, and this one is the final straw. First, it was a Pakistani Physicians convention, and the language barrier was sometimes so overwhelming. We would have lines backed up 12 groups deep because it took so long to try to figure out what the other was saying. The second convention was some international convention, with people from all over the world. Some spoke no English. Some, very little. Again, the language and cultural differences could become overwhelming when trying to figure out and help when the language was different. It made it very difficult to help, which is what we are there to do, when you don't know what it is they need.
And there's this one. The bridge convention. Yep, you guessed it. No one is under the age of 55 or so. Most are so sweet and wonderful, but then you have the few cantancerous (I have no damn idea how to spell that word but it's been in my mind for the last few weeks) old fogies who have no time, patience or desire to wait until their turn. They cut in front of each other, argue if the answer isn't what they thought it would be, and all require dinner reservations within a two block radius.

But, there was a wonderfully sweet woman who I helped today. She is from northern Rhode Island, had to be over 65, and was trying to figure out how to get to a bus tour pick up location. I kept trying to explain it, then drew a map, then used hand gestures, but all to no avail. I could see the panic in her face after about five minutes of my explaining how it was half a block away at the opposite side of the intersection. I had already taken her deposit, and she was about to give up and not go, for fear of getting lost. So, I told her I would walk her there.

I left from behind the counter and walked her the half-block to the drop off spot. She was so nice and sweet, and I just kept thinking, "If this were my Pappy or my Good Mamaw, I would want someone to do this for them." And it made it all the more enjoyable. She talked about how she plays bridge because it's supposed to "keep the mind sharp". I told her I started knitting to "keep the body relaxed." We had some laughs. We had our chit-chat. And it was awesome.

It's those few, those who know they need some extra help and aren't afraid to admit it, that make my job so worthwhile. Those that think they know all but still ask and are pissed when the answer isn't what they thought it should be drive me nuts. If you already know so much, why the hell did you ask? Because you didn't really know it. And now you are pissed that I did know it.

Ah well.

I left work today and don't go back until Monday afternoon, then off again until Friday. I'm taking this break and enjoying every moment of it.

Or I will be, after the damn laundry is done that is.

So I swear I saw Wilfred Brimley riding a Harley on Lake Shore Drive this afternoon. With a toothpick in his mouth. And an American flag bandana.









Anyway.


So I love how sometimes cleaning the physical can be equal to cleaning the mental and spiritual. A few cases in point:

After my first real-life as-an-adult break-up, I wasted no time gathering all the items she bought me into a plasic container and promptly put it in my storage area. All the things that reminded me of her, of us, of what was supposed to be and what never would be. Out of sight, out of mind for me at that point. And that was good in its own way.

After Mike died, I went through all the things I still had in boxes that I never unpacked, all the stacks of papers and magazines, all the things I had collected over the years. And for the first time, I realized they were nothing more than just "things". And "things" can go away without disrupting life. They can go away if they are weighing you down, keeping you hostage to some memory that, if important enough, will stay with you without some dusty trinket to take you there. "Things" had taken over my life. I wasn't living in the present because I had to be reminded of the past. I couldn't let go of that past because of uncertainty of the future. I was afraid, plain and simple. And I hid behind being a pack-rat by nature as a way to disguise what it was I was really doing.....living in the past.

Sometimes, those faces we once thought we should never let go of need to be released. Sometimes those memories, either painful or wonderful, need to be let to make room for more living, more memories. And sometimes, just sometimes, those that we think are the hardest to release give us the most pleasure once they're gone.

I find myself trying to do more releasing. And Steve is trying now as well. And together, all of this will make sense in the end. All of those things that have a hold on us that we don't quite understand. Some faces. Some words. Some "things". All opening up to a newness that is exciting and fills me with hope.

About damn time!

So my visit with Dr. Reyes this morning was awesome. She said that my back is really holding the adjustments well and I don't have to go back for seven weeks. That is such a relief. Finally, I can go for along period of time without an adjustment and my body is okay with it. I guess it was just so screwed up for years that it's taken three years to get it right.

Considering I couldn't even walk right before Dr. Reyes, I will take those three years with her and not consider them a waste whatsoever. Horray!

Fighting sleep
complete rambles coming from some swollen place
wanting to know what
is
going
on
and fearing the truth.
Knowing
there is something under the skin
waiting for an open wound
to slide out
and breathe the air.
Glances over the shoulder
and under beds
to find that one thing
that will set the mind at ease.
The power of a woman's mind
knowing while given nothing
but moments of doubt.
But as all things,
all will be revealed
in time.

What an interesting day

So yesterday was a day filled with extreme ups and downs. The day started off in a horrible way. As I was going to bed on Monday night (techinically Tuesday morning, since it was about 3:30 when I went to lay down) I thought I heard Steve's car start up and take off. His car is really loud and I can always tell when he's driving around the apartment. He was at Laura and Andy's place hanging out, which is a block away, and the only reason I could think he was in his car was to take Jenna home. So, I thought I would wait a bit and see when he got home so I could see him before leaving for the hospital.

I fell asleep before he came home. Which is good, considering he didn't come home. I got the call that they induced Rachel and should start heading over to the hospital a little after 7. He wasn't in bed. He wasn't on the couch. He wasn't in the office or any of the bathrooms. He just wasn't there.

So I started off by thinking he passed out at Andy and Laura's. But then I remembered hearing his car. And I know Jenna lives kinda far away and thought if her trains quit running after a certain time, Steve would be the only one with a car to get her home, unless she took a cab. That's when the panic started.

So I called Laura's cell, Andy's cell, their home, over and over again and got no answer. Then I thought of all the people who would know Jenna's number, since I didn't, and thought about people who did Hack/Slash with her, thinking they would have contact sheets to look at. It got to the point where if I could get ahold of her I would know whether or not he had taken her home or was still at the house.

No one was answering their phones and it created frustration on top of fear. I finally thought, on the off chance, that he would have left his cell phone here, since it's turned off presently. He did. I plugged it in, got Jenna's number, and left a panicked message. Never heard from her.

Finally, I tried the house one more time and Laura answered. I asked if Steve was there and she said to hang on a minute. Found him on the couch. I was so relieved and happy that he was safe, but at the same time, that fear turned to rage because I was about to go to a hospital to help my friend give birth, and this was not the day to be afraid my husband was dead on the side of the road or in some hospital because a drunk 4th of July driver smashed into him.

That crisis averted, I kept going to the hospital. On three hours of sleep. And spent the next 14 hours helping my friend give birth to an amazingly beautiful baby girl named Clementine. She is gorgeous!

And I must say, Rachel has earned a whole new level of my respect. She was induced, which causes a labor twice as painful, and wanted to do it naturally. She suffered through a very slow dialation process, no sleep and no food since the afternoon before. As she finally resigned herself to the fact that she just had no energy anymore to push, and no blood sugar to add to it, she agreed to take an IV sedative to get some sleep for a few hours before the pushing. The pain never went away, but it was possible for her to sleep between and during some lighter contractions. When the time came, she was such a strong pusher that she only had to push twice per contraction. She pushed and rested for about 40 minutes, and the baby came charging out.

It was beautiful. Like the births I had witnessed before, just absolutely beautiful. And the happiness on the faces of the parents warmed my heart.

And Steve and I worked out our shit. He thought I was overreacting to the whole situation. Then I explained to him why I felt that way and he understood the panic.

All in all, it was a day fueled by little food, even less sleep, some panic and fear, then sweet release with the birth.

All ended very well. It was, all in all, an amazing day.

AH!

Okay, so I guess I didn't really know how this worked....but I printed out my unofficial transcripts to see what basic classes I need to take to get this undergrad done and move on to bigger and free education, and I noticed a special note at the top of my last three semesters.......it says "Academic Standing: Good Standing" then, right below it, "Additional Standing: DEAN'S LIST!!!"

For three straight semesters, I have been on the Dean's List and didn't even know it!! HOW AWESOME IS THAT???

Maybe it will get better sometime soon. That's really all I can hope for right now.