Almost 13 years later....

"Ellen" still makes me laugh. I remember sitting on my futon in Muncie with my TV lineup....Zena, Ellen and some Comedy Central. There is just something about the dynamic between Ellen and her TV parents that makes me laugh out loud.

There are moments I know exactly what I'm doing, and moments where I have no fucking clue. But the one thing I've learned during this crazy ride of a year or so, is to follow what you feel in your gut. Logically, it may make no sense to me, but if I ignore that voice deep inside myself, I get myself into a world of hurt.

It's just amazing to me that, despite my lack of knowledge logically, there is some force within me, driving me to do what is right for me. Some call it God, some call it intuition...I don't know what to call it. And I guess I don't need to know, as long as I keep listening.

It's so funny how there are moments when we look back at a time in our history where we felt really good.

I remember Toby asking me to be the manager of the girls' basketball team. I remember how honored I was to be asked to take on that responsibility.

It is so funny how that moment stayed with me, despite all the many things that have happened over the course of my adult life.

Time to knit now.

Hired Goons = Awesome.

So I have always had this thing that I've felt for as long as I can remember. I'm not going to use the words jealousy or envious because of the negative and spiteful emotions they bring up. I would say more of a wishfulness. No matter what I have had going on in my life, I've always wanted to have the body of this friend, or the humor of that friend. And even in my times of chosen singlehood, I have always wanted the relationship this friend has with their significant other.

But today I had the realization that I don't have that wishfulness about anyone at all right now. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for those I love having what they have, but that sense of wanting is gone. Would certain things be nice? Sure. But I don't think that will ever go away.

But that driving feeling of not being 'right' enough on my own is gone. I don't feel the need to fill my life with things I don't have because, well, I just don't. I guess it means I am really, truly, for the first time, happy with who I am. And while that may not seem like a huge accomplishment for some, it's huge for me.

I guess it's because I finally see where my life is taking me. I finally have a clearer path than I ever have. And I know I have what it takes to make it happen.

It's so funny how I realized I felt this way...it's the same way I felt when I realized I wasn't thinking about Steve for the first time, or thinking about Hillarie for the first time. Realizing I don't think about it because I stop and think, "Hey, I'm not thinking about it!"

There have been a few times (can count on one hand) where I knew, deep in my soul, that was I was doing was right. And I have that feeling now. I just know, in every aspect of my life, that I'm on the right track.

And it feels so damn wonderful.

Having a moment

A moment where everything just feels like it's all ok. Everything you can imagine is just ok. Better than ok....really good, actually.

Driving home from the benefit, I saw my first snow of the season. It made me so happy.

I love my job. I love my friends. I love where my life will be taking me very soon. I am just so damn happy.

Today is a good day.

Damn

I hate killing anything, as all of you know. The things I don't feel bad killing are the things that could make either me or Kitten sick, like fleas, mosquitoes and roaches.

I just stalked and killed a centipede because I thought they were poisonous to Kitten. After I killed it (thinking it was a silverfish by the way), I looked online and read that the amount of venom they have in their bodies is too small to be harmful to humans or cats and dogs. AND they feed off things like bedbugs and roaches.

So now I feel bad. Not only did I kill it for the wrong reason, but it actually helps me out by killing the things I kill anyway.

Arg.

But they also kill spiders, which I love, so I'm torn.

I love it when...

I realize that someone I adore I actually love and respect.

Case in point...Carol Burnett. I watched American Masters on PBS last night, and my adoration for her moved to an awesome respect and love for her and her work.

She is just so damn cool.

Observation of Irony

Okay, so the commercial for Dr. Gotum Gupta's weight loss center was just on.

He is supposed to be one of the best weight loss doctors in the Chicagoland area.

Why, then, is he fatter than the women he is shown helping on his commercial?

Seriously.