HOLY CRAP!

We have 30 weeks until the wedding. Shit on a shingle. That isn't very long.

However, this will be done in the easiest way possible. Neither one of us will be Bridezilla (at least I hope he doesn't become one!) and we are just doing this to celebrate our love (how cheesy), have fun and be the center of attention for the day;)

This will be okay.

We just need to find a space for it.

Soon.

Like now.

so little time

I have so much to do and such little time to do it in. My homework for this semester is through the roof along with the work I have to do for the institute.

It's really cool, though. We are gathering speakers to address HIV/AIDS in the prison communities, African American and Latino communities and Rwanda. We're actually trying to get Bill Clinton and Jesse Jackson to come a speak. That would be awesome, but possibly too far fetched. But we're keeping the dream alive.

The work for the institute is a really good crash course on the rest of my life. There will be a lot of research, a lot of time spent trying to get info to people to help make a difference. There is purpose to it. I finally have purpose in my life. Theatre was always my passion, and doing it made me feel wonderful. But, unless it's a piece that has meaning, has a message, there isn't much about it that changes the course of people's lives. The institute does that. It fills that void. I know that what I'm doing WILL change someone's life, even if it's just their view on something that, because of their own social reconstruction, maybe wasn't the correct view.

I want so badly to remain positive with everything negative that's been happening. And there's been so much negativity.

I think it's gaining it's hold. shit.

blah

It's so amazing to me how something that was so good, so fun, so unexpected can take a huge turn and become something so not what you intended.

on another note...

my eyes are not focusing well today. they seem to have a kinda haze over them. does this mean my reading glasses are going to be pulled out of their dusty case? arg.

maybe it's sleepy-eyes.

maybe it's where the aliens implanted the embryo that i am carrying for them.

maybe it's a film of neuro-transmitters that have fallen out of my brain and are now residing just behind my retinas.

maybe it's a mass of KittenFatCat hairs that have woven themselves into a cozy of some sort.

or i could just be a bit sleepy.......

A better day

The events of the last few days are still on my mind, but the fear is gone. It's just replaced by an uber-awareness of where I am, where my car is, and who is around.

It's just that primal feeling of fear, the feeling that creeps into your lower belly and holds on. I had it when we were broken into. I slept with a knife for a few weeks after. And while this is NO WHERE NEAR the same feeling, it has made me more aware of my surroundings.

I kinda fell into that pattern of thinking everything was fine, I was protected, no one would hurt me. I felt safe. While I don't feel UNsafe at this moment, I have been awakened to the fact that there are people out there who don't understand what it is to have consideration for others and their feelings.

I think it was a really good thing that the last few days have been so crazy-laden. Again, going with my gut, I really think those guys and that woman were there as a reminder to watch my ass. And I think it will save me from something much worse happening.

If I can survive maniacs running up and down the street in Rogers Park, breaking in to my home while I'm in it, banging up my car, busting out windows, and being stalked, I can handle this piddly little shit.

I just forgot for awhile that I am an amazon.

That knowledge is back.

Here comes the flood

I'm filled with a weird sense of anxiety. There is no real reason for it. Usually when I get these feelings, something is wrong with someone I love. Call it a disturbance in the force, whatever. It usually means someone is sick, hurt, has died or something to that effect. I started feeling it last night.

I thought it was an anxiety about leaving tomorrow to see my parents for their birthdays. For some reason, maybe I wasn't feeling prepared, I don't know. Separation anxiety from Steve? Who knows. I know I don't sleep well when he's not there beside me. I don't know.

I called mom today to make sure everyone was fine there. She said that Olivia got sick last night. There is some intestinal bug that the kids in her preschool are passing around to each other. I guess she started throwing up last night.

I don't think that's it, though. Usually when I feel it and find out what is wrong, it goes away. It's still lingering. There is a part of me that doesn't think I should take the trip tomorrow. But I can't cancel it based on a feeling that could just be fear that I've taken on too much. I went from having nothing to do to suddenly being overwhelmed. School, the institute, rehearsals for both shows, the wedding. All of it hit suddenly.

The rational part of my brain keeps telling me that I'm just overwhelmed, that I need a few weeks to get back into the life of a student balancing everything. This time around, I have Steve to balance as well. While I wouldn't trade it for the world, it is adding a different dimension to the usual stress I feel when school starts.

The bugs are starting to come back. I saw my first silverfish of the season on the back porch tonight. There were two spiders in our bedroom closet. There is a very awesome spider, who I have named Herman, who has a little web under the lip of our bathroom window. I love having him there. I blow on him before I get in the tub to make sure he hides under the window and doesn't get hit by a splash of water. He helps to keep the little gnats at bay and I appreciate that. I'm glad Steve is okay with his existance in our home as well. Or maybe he just hasn't seen him.

I really don't think the knowledge of the little many legged creatures sharing our home is what's bothering me. They're just a good distraction.

I am going to be extra careful tomorrow and Sunday when driving back. Maybe this feeling is a warning to make me be extra careful. Maybe otherwise I would have driven without thought and something would have happened.

Just in case, I've gotta make sure I take my insurance card with me.

Kitten has been running around, almost screaming tonight as well. Maybe she's feeding off my energy. Maybe I've been watching too many reruns of "The X Files". Maybe I shouldn't joke about my gut feelings, since the only times in my life I've really messed up are when I didn't listen to it.

I've got to get to bed.

Here we go again....

I am in between classes at my lovely school right now, sitting in the library, doing nothing. I started out reading my "The Family" book and, as par to the course, became enraged by the things I was reading.

So here I am, wasting time. And oh how I love it!!!

My first day of classes was yesterday. Math 121 (MY FINAL EVER MATH CLASS!!!) taught by the same professor I had last semester, and Contemporary Social Issues. Today is The Family and Gender, Power and the Body. Yes, this is a semester that will lend itself to my crazed ramblings during the wee hours of the morning.

I am thinking of starting a different blog for all of my socio-induced ravings, but since it is a huge part of who I am, I might just have them all here.

I am realizing, more and more on a daily basis, that I get off completely on intellectual discussion. I have always been a bit stubborn (peanut gallery, shut it down) but I am realizing that my mind is opening in ways I never thought possible. It's so hard to remove yourself from the restraints imposed by years of conditioning, from family, friends, environment, etc. While I learned a great many wonderful lessons from my family, friends and environment, there are some that have no place in my life at this moment. I am trying to get away from those, realize why I had them in the first place, and move on.

I think racism has been the hardest, obviously. My community growing up was very secluded from anything other than white, middle class, heterosexual families who all knew each other. And while that gave me a sense of safety (knowing pretty much everyone and their families a few generations back) it was also stagnet. There are so many things that have opened my mind from living in Chicago, and even more so from taking my soc classes.

It's amazing to me how I coasted through life, not knowing or caring about how things really worked in our society. I voted in the 2000 election, simply because I didn't like Bush and his opinions of the rights of women. Since 9-11, my political brain was thrown into action. I wanted to know WHY we were hit by terrorists, not just who they were. I tried to not fly blindly into the scared patriotism imposed on all of us living here. I say 'scared' because I remember too well how speaking out about anything you didn't agree with would land you in a group of 'anti-Americans'....which is the exact opposite of the meaning of our country. This country is SUPPOSED to be questioned! We are SUPPOSED to ask why and bitch about our government....that's why we can do it without fear of being beheaded or thrown in jail. At least, if you are a white American. And you did it on September 10th or before....

In trying to deal with the horrors that we are faced with in our society and the world, it is needed to try to find that silver lining. Hurricane Katrina has destroyed many people's lives, and for that, my heart goes out to them. But there are so many questions that need to be answered concerning HOW and WHY those lives were destroyed........the temperature of the earth is rising, which leads to global warming (NO, IT'S NOT JUST A THEORY!!!) The temperature of the water was warmer than usual, and while that didn't CAUSE the hurricane, it helped to make the conditions better for a stronger storm. The Clean Air Act my ass.

Also, people were informed of the storm for days before it hit......and the National Guard, not the Iraqi Guard, wasn't here to help. Despite warning. Despite days of warning. I don't know if people lump 'meteoroligist' in with 'scientists' and can debate with them about things such as Global Warming, hurricanes, Intelligent Design, etc.......but the fact remains that there were pleas for help and they were ignored.

Why were they ignored? Maybe we should think about what would happen if a hurricane were to hit in a rich suburb of Chicago. Do you honestly think that wealthy families would be sitting on top of their SUV's, pleading for food and water? No. They would be airlifted out by the hundreds to ensure our thriving society. These were, for the most part, poor families who either couldn't afford GAS to get out, didn't have a vehicle to begin with, were taking care of family members who didn't have health insurance and couldn't leave, or didn't even have the knowledge that something was heading their way. Of course the National Guard wouldn't be called to answer the calls of poor, black people. After all, they are poor because of their bad work ethic, right? Or they're all drug dealers, pimps, gang bangers and such, right?? They didn't mean anything, right??? ARG!

In no way am I turning this horrible event into political leverage, but it is my sincere hope that those Americans who have blindly followed whatever person is in office wakes up a bit, realizes that things are not so great in the land of the free, and take a stand. I hope people who didn't question Iraq are now questioning why Bush knew and did nothing. I hope those Democrats who are spineless in Congress now take a stand to protect our people. I hope against hope that those who are responsible for poor planning and, as a result, thousands of deaths, are held accountable. Most of all, our damn government, those that are sooooo preoccupied with making Iraq a little America that they forgot about the big America. Most of all, Bush. Add the death toll of Katrina to his record (not the one when he was governor of Texas, with his PRO LIFE, PRO DEATH PENALTY hypocritial stance).

I am so saddened by the world at this moment. My only hope is this country wakes up and realizes that we are responsible as well. For everything. For ourselves, others and this planet.

Yes, I am a hippie tree hugger. Yes, I love it. Yes, I am sad.