I really think tonight will be fun.

I'm wearing a skirt.

I have much to be thankful for.

I had an amazing weekend with my parents. I came home to an amazing cat and an amazing group of friends. Amy's surgery went well and she is on the road to a quick recovery.

There are many things to be thankful for right now. I am thankful for every opportunity I am given to grow and change. I am thankful for having felt love and having been betrayed, because both make me stronger and help to complete who I am. I am thankful for my ability (newly learned) to look within myself and separate myself from the emotions of the situation and see the reality of the situation. That is something I've never been able to do before. I'm thankful for this whirlwind last few months, because they have given me hope....I had to search for that hope when it seemed that everything was falling down around my feet.

I am thankful for my friends who have stood beside me through one of the most life altering moments in my life. And for standing behind me during the aftermath of that moment. And, for those days before. I am thankful for the gifts they bring to my life; strength, a sense of worth, a sense of purpose, love and support.

I am thankful for my parents. I see them as my friends now, and have for the last few years. And it was such a good weekend, splitting time between them so I had equal, quality time with both. It was just good. I don't remember a time when it felt that good.

I am thankful that Kitten has only drawn a few cups of my blood this year. Of course, until she gets over being angry that I was gone for the weekend she may draw a few cups more. But I'm hoping she will chill out quickly and let me go back to loving her. Otherwise, it'll be kitty stew for Christmas!

I am thankful that I'm sitting here, in my new apartment, in front of my desk, breathing in and out, knowing that there is something much larger than I can even comprehend just above the horizon for me. It's coming up quickly, and I can feel that surge of energy within my belly. There are things in motion that can never be stopped, and I would never want them to.

I know I am able to love. I know I am able to forgive. I know I am able to put myself first. I know I am a survivor. I know I can heal. And those are the changes within myself that I am the most thankful for.

I'm not sure of the need I have for The Healing Place any longer. I feel that certain events have occured that have released me from needing that separate space.

Of course, I'm not magically 'cured' over night from this situation. But I have come to realize that some things never change. Some things remain constant, and some people remain constant. I refuse to be put in a cyclical situation where there is nothing for me but doubt and mistrust.

I am done feeling the need to prove my intelligence. I am done feeling the need to continually prove myself right. Or ignore myself completely. I have been there for too long. It's done. It's over. There is no need for it again.

I'm going to hold on to the other blog for a bit, and one day I'll take it down. Or not. I don't know. Whatever feels best at the time I'll do.

All I know is my patterns are changing. My cycles are stopping. And that is my main concern.

I know what I deserve. I know what I need. And I will get those things that I deserve. And so will others.

In the end, we don't always get what we think is right, but to steal blatantly from the Rolling Stones, we get what we need.

I know my worth and will seek out accordingly.

Wow. I am a true Chicagoan.

Today on the bus, there was a blonde woman sitting there, looking very scared. She acted in a way that screamed "tourist". I overheard her talking to someone else on the bus and she mentioned that she had moved here a week ago Sunday and this was her first trip on the bus. She was scared she was going to miss her stop. She said where she was living, and I told her I was right next to her and I'd tell her when the stop was.

The look on her face as she studied everyone who got on the bus. The way she was super friendly to everyone. All of it was annoying to me for a little bit, until I recognized why. She acted the way I did when I first moved here, scared shitless to be in a city this size. She made me remember how horrible it was to be here for the first year or so. Not really knowing anyone but those I was living with, not knowing my way around a city that can be very scary in places. All of those things were brought back up within me, and once I recognized it, I started smiling.

Here I was, the old pro, guiding someone around.

It just made me smile.

I hope she finds her way into an amazing set of friends. I hope she feels comfortable in her surroundings and finds her way around quickly.

It was fun to be put back in that mindset, if only for a brief time on the bus.

And again, it's amazing just how far I've come.

Out with the old.....

I just got my new bed, my early Christmas present from mom and dad.

It looks so beautiful!

Kitten is running around, not quite knowing what to do about the whole thing.

Everything is new. The pillows. The sheets. The comforter.

And it just looks amazing!

Got it again

I've got one of my feelings.

Something is in the air. Something is on the horizon. I don't know what it is, but I know I will never ignore that feeling again.

It may be small. It may be big.

All I know is there is something flipping around in my stomach.

We'll see just want comes from it.....

Yes

So today I voted.

I love voting.

I don't know if it's because I like to think that what I do matters, or the fact that I feel it's my responsibility. Or the fact that I can openly bitch about the way our country is going as long as I voice my vote.

Either way, I always walk away from the polls singing "Proud to be an American." I blame Ann back in 1999. But it's there.

That pride is there.

Just knowing that I am able to do something like that to contribute to my country.

It's a damn good feeling.....

Alright, who's next?

Come on.....keep draining the well.

Fucking Jesse White. Fuck him.

So I guess there was some mandatory insurance verification form that I needed to turn in, which I never received in the mail. NOW, because of that, I have to pay $100 AND turn in about six forms, one being a written letter from my insurance company, proving that I had insurance back in August.

Yeah.

How much fucking fun will this be?! I am SO excited to spend $100 to prove that I spend $105 a month for my insurance.

This is bullshit.

And since my financial aid was fucked up due to having to wait for someone to do their taxes IN AUGUST, I am hurting financially.

I don't think the check will get to me in time for me to pay this $100......

I am just so frustrated.

So Jesse White....you can sit behind Daly in the line of "Waiting For Tory To Get Money". And make sure you do some really shitty things to her in the meantime, since, well, it wouldn't be my life lately if that didn't happen.

Just urg. Urg.