Tee hee....

Life is just so goddamn good right now.

The first event was awesome. The next one will rock even harder. The third one will blow people's minds. And I was a part of all of it.

I got a paper back from my grad level Gender, Power and the Body class, and aced it. And I wrote it during the migraine/24 hour flu thing.

Got an A on my algebra test.

Got an A on my Sociology of the Family test.

Got an A on my Contemporary Social Issues test.

My hair is really curly today.

Had a great rehearsal for Dido.

Can't wait for Cubicle to get up and running.

Get to see Amy and Olivia and Mamaw and mom and dad in two weeks.

Steve is, of course, my shining light through all of my days.

176 days until the wedding.

I get to wear my great grandma's wedding ring.

I am truly happy.

There are a few moments in life where I just stop, look around and realize, this is what it's all about. Of course, those moments can also come during great tragedy. But those moments, when combined with pure happiness, just amaze me. It's like a big neon sign flashing "Hey kid, you are awesome!"

There will be more moments of great happiness. There will be more moments of great tragedy. But through it all, I have purpose. I have meaning. I have been given meaning through the love of Steve. I have been given meaning through the love of my family. I have been given meaning through the love of my friends. And I have taken meaning out of experiences that have happened in my life that I could never understand the reason for. I could never understand Ball State, except to solidify itself as a place I will never return to. I could never understand things that happened to my body, to my soul, to my heart, except to hope that they made me stronger.

They did so much more than just make me stronger. They made me realize what I don't want from life, and just how far I'm willing to go to get what I DO want. And I know, for the first time, exactly what I want.

It's amazing, that a little thing like purpose can pull breath into a body that felt it had died long ago.

I am so thankful. I am almost crying. I am so thankful. To everyone. My Indiana blood family, my New Millennium and Camenae families, my Chicago friend family, my new two person family. Everyone and everything has helped to make me who I am and damnit, for the first time in a long time, I like who she is. No, I love who she is.

And that, my friends, is what it's all about.

Amazing

That's what my director for the Institute called me today. Amazing. Yes, I have found my path. I need to do some minor tweeking, but I have my path. I know what I can do, what I do well, and damnit, I am going balls to the wall with it.

We just had our first of three panel discussions today at Roosevelt. There was so much hard work put into it, so many hours of hair pulling and stressing. And my god, was it a huge success!!!! It was filmed by CAN-TV, we had great questions and interesting panelists. I can't wait for the next two.

I am going to make change in this society. I don't know how, I don't know when , but it's my goal. I want to help. I want to make things as right as they can be. There is so much I'll be going against, the basic way this society is set up from individual isms to institutionalized isms, but damnit if I'm not ready. I feel like I've been unleashed.......

The world will never be the same!!!!!!

Yep

School is kicking my ass. It is official. I am still getting great grades (might be another four point OH semester, if algebra becomes less confusing) but it is still kicking my ass. But I love every damn minute of it.

Every damn stress filled minute.

I just wish I would either get sick or get better. I am in that limbo where I am not completely sick but I am not completely well, either. Frustrating.......

The Family

Well, I spent my first weekend in Michigan with Steve and his family. Leslie went with us because it just so happened that the same weekend we'd had this trip planned, their friend Corinne got married. Her wedding was Saturday and it worked out perfectly.

I had met his dad before for a very brief moment between our flights from Austin to Chicago. We had a layover in Detroit and he met us at the airport. This weekend was great. I met his mom, brother and his wife, and stayed with his dad. I think they liked me and I liked them. It was a really good visit all around.

It's weird to think about it this way......I've met my future in-laws. That is such a bizarre concept for me to have in-laws. Since I'm an only child, I've never had a brother or sister-in-law, and for so long, I never thought I would get married to anyone. It's so amazing to have a whole other family become a part of mine. It's just something I never thought of. My family, whether by marriage or blood, was always just mine. I never had to enter it (other than as a baby) and it was always just THERE. Now there is something totally new, new dynamics to enter into, new joys and sorrows that I'll be sharing, new issues and general family things that I'll be a part of.

It is all so overwhelming but amazing. That's just all I can say about it, I guess. Overwhelming but amazing.

Finally

Nothing makes sense without a plan. A plan to get things done, to deal with what needs to be dealt with, to ensure that you are on the right path and have a clear, clean way to get there.

I have been pushed and pulled in so many directions that I lost sight of mine. I have a few, actually. But I'm starting to see them again. I'm starting to see what's really important, what I can and can't do, what I will and won't deal with. I am finally understanding what this all means.

I just lost my focus for a moment. That's all. And now I'm back on track, ready to attack. And obviously making some poetry in the process. But that's what it's all about. Making your point and trying to make it as beautiful as possible. Not sugar coating, because that's just bullshit that melts as soon as it gets too hot......no, just take the simple truth, understand it, and try to make it something that you can live with. And if you can't, well, to quote a beautiful person, "It's all about what you can put up with".

I've still got some miles on these feet, some things I haven't done and want to, some people I haven't met but need to. These things help me focus on my path. On my many diverging paths. And the best part is, I'm really paying attention to the scenery. I'm noticing things I've never paid attention to before, either blinded by something or just too crazy busy to pay any attention. Things are changing. Things are swirling under the calm surface. Things are about to explode. I'm just going to hold on tight, enjoy the ride, and hope my wounds aren't too severe. But then again, what is the point of living if you don't have any scars to prove you were here??

Sitting in a restaurant helps me understand my own mortality. We sit, either in a booth or chair, make ourselves comfortable, place our bags on the table or in the seat next to us. We place our arms on the table, touching it for the first time. We are making our mark on the surface of the table. We sit. We eat. We laugh or cry. We drink or read. We exist. We exist in this booth or on this chair. We finish. We pay the bill, the penalty for the way we ate, and leave. We are gone. Our bags are gone. Our glasses are cleared away. The table is wiped clean. It was as if no one had been there. And the next person is seated, taking over the space and making it theirs, having no concept of the fact that you were just there, warming the chair and eating off the table. You are gone. You paid your bill and left. And someone comes in and takes your place.

It may sound really morbid, but it's not. When I'm feeling a little too immortal, I just watch a busboy make his way to the next memory that needs to be wiped out. It's good to keep me on track.

It's about to rain

I love the smell and feel right before a thunderstorm. I know I write about it pretty much everytime it rains, but it's a feeling that just doesn't get old. The sky is a dark grey with some dark blue mixed in here and there.

I can't wait for the weather to get and stay cool. Enough of this taking out the air conditioner and sleeping with the windows open just to wake up in a sweat the next morning. Today was HOT. Okay, so not the hot like we've had over this summer, but by comparison, really freakin' hot. Yesterday was perfect. A nice cool breeze, warm enough for jeans and a t-shirt with a light hoodie. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is the perfect day. And, once it's cool enough for sweaters and jeans, well, I'll just be in some sort of freakin' heaven.

But today was warm. A little too warm. I am wearing shorts and a t-shirt. That shouldn't be happening. Steve and I have been waiting for the cooler weather and earlier sunsets so we can start the month of October out the way it should be......parked in front of the tv watching just-pubescent girls who just got done having sex get sliced up. And zombies eating brains. Love the eating brains part.

It's just so hard to get into Halloween and the Halloween time of year when it's 80 degrees in the shade.

Maybe the rain, which is coming closer, will help to cool things off. And water my plants. And hopefully not cause a flood in the guest bedroom and living room. Those rooms are very prone to flooding.