Gotta help

So I just had a run-in with a truly crazy man on the street. At first, he asked what I was studying. I told him. Then he asked if the WB and the boy trying to get money was a social justice issue. I had no idea, so I said, "well, it depends on how the person is trying to get their money." He then went on to tell me how he creates cartoons, projects on the lake and in his legs, how he created the atom bomb and told them, and they said they didn't know, how Lord of the Rings made so many billions of dollars and he was worth at least 2 billion. The conversation went on for at least 5 minutes, but seemed so much longer. After the first 30 seconds or so, I just shut up and didn't really try to understand. He talked about the gayness and how it's a state of mind, and then how people don't even know what they're upset about, they just want to be upset. Then wars happen. Trying to sift through everything he said made my mind ache.

Then, as I walked in to the school, I closed my eyes and saw his outline. He was standing in front of the sun and I was looking at him for so long that it burned itself into my eyes. Everytime I blink, I see the outline of his head and torso. It's starting to fade, as those eye-sun-burns do, but there is still a little bit of him behind my eyelids.

The thing I hate about being a bleeding heart is the fact that I don't have enough of my heart to give to all that need it. I wanted to help that man, get him to some shelter, get him psychological help, get him meds to control his psychosis, but there is never enough time. I want to save the world and yet, I barely have time to shower. I don't have the means to create change. Yet. But even when I have the degrees, the knowledge, the "power" to help, I know I can't help them all.

That's what sucks about being a bleeding heart. The reason it bleeds is because it's split among millions of things that need it. I just felt so powerless, listening to a man who is convinced that he can go through the sun, find the other three suns and finds miliary meaning on the WB. And yet, at the same time, I was so grateful that I am not like that. While I have my moments of insanity, as we all do, I know that I'm not working on the atom bomb.

I just hate those moments of being powerless, of feeling that there is nothing I can do to ease suffering of others, that I can't change our world to protect those that need it instead of protecting those that have money and want to keep it (corporations, not those of us with $200 in savings). I want to change so much, and yet, who the hell am I? What can I do?

That is one of the most frustrating things about what I'm learning in school.....I know of all these problems, know of grand theories to fix it, but sometimes it just gets so overwhelming.

I wish that guy luck. I hope he finds someone who can help him. I wish I could. damnit.

The lesser.....

Okay, which is more a sign of getting old......

Finding pitch black chin hairs?

Or finding WHITE ones?


arg.

Sunday ritual

For the last month or so, I have religiously checked postsecret.com every Sunday. It is amazing, and if you haven't seen it, I really recommend it. If you don't know anything about it, basically it's a blog that is run by a man named Frank. He has people mail him their deepest, darkest secrets on post cards and he posts a new batch every Sunday. There is a book out of all the previous posts, and those that didn't make it on to the blog.

It's an amazing way to feel connected to people without knowing who they are. Some secrets make me cry, some make me laugh, some make me cringe, and some have no effect on me whatsoever. But those that do make me realize that we, as people, are so closely connected deep within ourselves. It helps to reduce the urge to judge others. And, it makes me feel I'm not alone in some of my feelings.

It's so wonderful.

The great release

Ah.....the show is over for a few days. A few days to get the glitter off of me (and out of the bed....poor Steve woke up with glitter on one side of his face this week). A few days to chill after classes. A few days to reconnect with those that I've lost contact with in my insanity.

One of my professors had a stroke on Thursday during class. Not my class, thankfully, but the class right before mine. I haven't heard anything about him so I'm hoping no news is good news. But it's really weird....I didn't grasp the concept of a stroke (even though I've know people who have had them) until I mentioned to Heather about writing to him to let him know I wouldn't be in class. Her response threw me.....she said, "Hon, I think it may be a non-issue". Just letting the seriousness of it sink it.

Otherwise, I'm doing so much better. I'm trying to make myself relax. I'm trying to help Steve through his work-related down feelings. I'm trying to make up for lost time with the KFC and some lovin'. I'm trying to get excited about my birthday, but there is really nothing special about it. I have a show that night. I won't get to see Steve for very long before he leaves for work and I leave for the show. My parents are coming in that weekend (I think...I need to call them). I don't know. Ever since Mike's death, I haven't really been into my birthday. I don't think they're directly related. I don't know why they would be. We never had many special birthday memories, except the fact that he would always get me a card with a half naked woman on it and some dirty type joke inside. Yeah, we really bonded after I came out. Last year there was a surprise party for me, but a friend didn't know it was a surprise and she wrote me an email about it. That's okay....the thought was still there and it was a wonderful thought.

Anyway, just trying to get back to being me. I don't like not being me, and I feel that I haven't been me for a few months. I know people understand, but I'm my own worst critic. But that will soon change. I'm excited to have evenings at home, doing homework, being with Steve and my friends. Being alone and not rushed all the time. Those are the things that make me okay with not doing theatre for awhile. I just can't while I'm in school.

I feel like I'm finally starting to say no when I need to, and it's weird. Nice, but weird. Just different. I'm usually the yes person.

And now I'm going to sit on the couch, pour myself a drink and relax, waiting for the man to arrive from work so I can heal him from it.

*sigh* The letdown begins.....and it's so wonderful.

The last night.....

This is the last night of tech! Of course, I'll be doing the show until Sunday, but this is the last night for tech. Shows are easy to get energy for. Tech, not so much.

I'm just so glad it's almost over.

So much to do

but I'm trying my damndest to chill out. It's hard, but I'm working on it. After this week, all will be better. At least, slightly better. But like right now.....I'm on a break between my classes, not one long enough to be able to make it home and back, but long enough to go and grab some food, chill and let things go. But I can't. Not today. Not on Rex Manning Day. I brought every book for every class in the attempt to get myself ahead, because I know I can't do it as well as I would like at rehearsals. Plus, tonight is a cue to cue, which means I'll be on call the entire time. I can't get too in-depth with a reading only to be called away at any moment.

Just make it through this week. Pretend there is nothing else going on in the world except school, rehearsals, Steve and rest.

I just really wish I had today with him. I don't get him for my birthday, don't get him for Valentine's Day, don't really get him for his birthday (although I will have him in the evening). I just really miss having a life. And bitching about it seems to be the best thing I can do at this time to get over it. And I know I've been a broken record for the last, oh, month or so. But it really does help me to bitch about it, get it out, and realize it's soon to be over.

Plus, it makes really easy reading for those three loyal blog readers of mine....you can skim over the majority of what I'm writing and not really miss out on anything you haven't heard over and over again.

As a wonderful woman has said, I need to find a song.

"Swandive". Ani. That has been my theme song for years now. I think it's time for some lyrics! (I feel so teen-angst-y right now! Love it!)

Cradling the softest and warmest part of you in my hands.
Feels like a baby bird
fallen from the nest.
I think that your body
Is something I understand
I think that I'm happy
Think that I'm blessed.
But I've had a lack of inhibition
I've had a loss of perspective
I've had a little bit to drink
and it's making me think
that I can jump ship and swim
that the ocean will hold me
there's got to be more
than this boat I'm in.

They can call me crazy if I fail
all the chance that I need
is one in a million and they can call me brilliant
if I succeed.
Gravity is nothing to me
moving at the speed of sound
just gonna get my feet wet
until I drown.

I TEETER BETWEEN TIRED
AND REALLY REALLY TIRED
I'M WIPED AND I'M WIRED
BUT I GUESS THAT'S JUST AS WELL.
I built my own empire
out of car tires and chicken wire
Queen of my own compost heap
I'm getting used to the smell.
I've had a lack of information
I've had a little revelation
I'm climbing up on the rail
and trying not to look down.
I'M GOING TO DO MY BEST SWAN DIVE
IN THE SHARK INFESTED WATERS
I'M GONNA PULL OUT MY TAMPON
AND START SPLASHING AROUND
CAUSE I DON'T CARE
IF THEY EAT ME ALIVE.
I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS
TO DO THAN SURVIVE.
I've got the memory
of your warm skin in my hands
I've got a vision of blue sky and dry land.

I'm cradling the hardest, heaviest part of me in my hands.
The ship is pitching and heaving,
our limbs are bobbing and weaving.
I think this is something I understand
I need a couple of vaccinations
for my faraway vacation
I'm gonna go ahead and go boldly
cause a little bird told me
the jumping is easy,
the falling is fun,
right up till you hit the sidewalk,
shivering and stunned

And they can call me crazy if I fail
all the chance that I need
is one in a million and they can call me brilliant
if I succeed.
Gravity is nothing to me,
moving at the speed of sound
Just gonna get my feet wet,
until I drown.

It's amazing.....that song was my theme song for years, and for a totally different reason than it is now. Before, it was all about how I don't need anyone or anything to make it....it's all up to me. And I was mostly talking about relationships and theatre. Now, it's the exhaustion she talks about that I relate to the most, and the desire to succeed, but now it's with school and my life with Steve. Love is not the shark infested water like it was a few years ago....and that's amazing.

I know I've truly found a theme song when I can apply it to completely different things in my life as I move along, grow, become more and more the woman I am meant to be. The fear is still there. Oh god, is the fear still there. But it will always be there, it just changes it's face.

I really needed to write those lyrics. I feel much more relaxed, even though I have done very little reading for classes tomorrow. I still feel that I can make it. And I will. This is nothing compared to what I've been through, and the future will hold many more moments like this for me. But it's all about coping, and that's something I've forgotton about. I can cope. I can deal with anything.

Thank you, Laura, for saying I needed to find a song. It helped more than you can imagine to find my song again.

Yeah. Life is good.

Ah, shit

I'm not a big Valentine's Day kinda person.

But today, I wish I had the choice of whether or not to be a Valentine's Day person.

Because I would be.

Ah, tomorrow

So, tomorrow is the biggest love day of the year, supposedly. Now, I am not a big Valentine's day kinda girl. I never really have been. Actually, my favorite Valentine's days were the years when I was single and really bitter. I would get with my other single, bitter friends and have an Anti-Valentine Party. I made necklaces with cut-outs of AK-47's, we had black everything (black drinks, black foods, black clothes). We sat around, fuming and laughing at the fact that we were single, hated it and wanted to be with someone. Those were the best.

Now that I have the love of my life, Valentine's Day is still not a big day to me. I show him everyday how I feel, and he does the same. We don't need a day to remind us to love each other or do something nice for each other. I don't want flowers......to many smell like a funeral home. I don't want chocolate (SSSKKKRREEECCHHHH.....okay, big fat HORRIBLE lie. I always want chocolate. I always NEED chocolate.....but I don't need chocolate in the shape of a heart to melt in my mouth.....no, just chocolate in the shape of anything is fine. And I don't need chocolate specifically tomorrow.)

I celebrate Valentine's Day every day. And so does my baby.

Now, ARBOR Day, on the other hand.......

The afterburn

Venezuela feels like it was months ago, instead of weeks ago. Coming home and getting back into the swing of things was much harder than I expected. I still feel like I'm playing catch up in some of my classes. The house is a mess. Rehearsals are every night and neverending (seemingly....only one more week, actually). It's almost the middle of February and I feel I'm still in January.

However, my Maid of Honor ROCKS! She is taking this whole wedding thing by the heels and running with it! At this point, I don't think it would have happened without her help. Not to say we wouldn't get married......we would probably just do what I've wanted to do all along and run away to elope. I'll enjoy the wedding, the ceremony and all of that. yeah.

Anyway, so the extreme pressures of work, school, rehearsals, wedding.....all of it are going to go away very soon. And I couldn't be happier.

I guess that's it. I'm kinda depressed now, for some reason, so I'm gonna go and just not think about any of it.