Sigh

Jenna came to The Spot tonight as Laura and I were leaving.

And for the first time since all of this happened, the feeling I got in my stomach was totally different. In fact, it really wasn't in my stomach this time. It was just a small feeling in my brain. And it was a feeling mixed with sadness, disgust, a slight bit of anger, and a larger bit of nothing.

In fact, I think I reacted the way I did because that's they way I'm used to reacting to her. Now that I am in my apartment and had a long bike ride to think, I believe the reaction was mostly because it's what I thought I should be feeling.

Maybe if I had seen her face myself, I would be reacting differently. I saw her as she was leaving the bar while I was waiting for Laura outside the store. And I said my normal reaction to seeing her, but there was a part of me that really didn't feel it.

I like this.

I really do. I think I may be able to look at her or be in the same bar with her and not feel much. Other than that small bit of sadness, disgust and a bit of anger.

But now that I'm home, what I feel more than anything is sorrow. Sorrow for her. I really feel bad for her. I hope she works out the issues that make her feel nothing about breaking up marriages or lying to those she calls friends. She is a really sad person.

Deep Thoughts by Tory Handy

I'm back on spiders tonight. They fascinate me.

They just know what to do. Every night they build their webs (if they are the web-building type). Some eat the webs as the sun comes up. The sun comes up and they take a break. Sun goes down, rinse and repeat.

They didn't go to school to learn this. Some didn't even have a parent to watch and imitate. They just knew what to do with their time and their lives. They have an inner voice that tells them what to do and when to do it.

I am very envious of the simplicity of their lives. There was never a question. There was never the need to do more. Never the thought of lacking in something.

Of course, spiders don't know the joy that is "Law and Order: SVU". But I sometimes think I would give that up for a day of just knowing what I need to do and never feeling that sense of needing to feel or do more.

But until that moment comes, I will just have to be content with Detective Olivia Benson catching the bad guys.

I love spiders.

That is all.

Opening the vault

http://doubtingme.livejournal.com/


I started this two years ago in September. When I found the text messages to and from Kate. They read backwards.

This was the one place I was going to keep secret, but there is no reason to keep anything secret anymore.

These are the thoughts I was really thinking.

And it's time to release them to the universe.

So let it be written

Dear Fates--

If I ever decide in a moment of madness to marry again, and subsequently divorce, please do not let the first wedding I attend after said divorce have in attendance my first true love, who I hadn't seen in over five years, and his fiance.

Please.

And kindly refrain from having said wedding located in a remote part of a countryside area where there is no such thing as cell phone reception, thus cutting me off from any outside help or words of love.

Also, please ensure that the song danced to by the new bride and her father is not the same song as the one my ex-husband and bridal party walked down the aisle to.

While you are at it, dear Fates, I would ask that you kick me in my ass if I decide to let a friend drive his car to said remote part of a countryside, leaving any possible chance of escape an impossibility.

And please do not make the new bride and groom and bride's family one that I know very well and love and adore so much. This only makes my own sorrow mix uncomfortably with my love and joy for the happy couple. Confusion leads to drinking cranberry juice and bad vodka. And orange juice. With bad vodka.

The final request, dear Fates....please, please, PLEASE do not have a women who knows me so well be in attendance at said wedding, where only a brief look or word from her can signal a torrential downpour of tears and emotions and feelings and such.

If these are too much to ask, dear Fates, kindly make said wedding happen on a Monday night, give me Tuesday off work and a regularly scheduled therapy session Tuesday afternoon.

Thank you.

Worst. Sequel.

Ever.

EVER.

Exocist: The Heretic.

I can't even stand it.

Yet I can't look away.

Thank you, Ellen Burstyn, for not taking part in this atrocity.

It would hurt my soul.

James Earl Jones, you have some splainin to do.......

Totally smarter than the Museum of Science and Industry

So Laura and I are TOTALLY way smarter than that silly museum!

We went to the CSI exhibit today to solve some crime. And we did. In fact, we found clues and came up with a story line that would have been MUCH more useful.

They had some stupid reason and a very simple death. And there was an awesome storyline that could have been used but was superfluous to the case. And we both agree that we had a much better murder scene in our minds, with twists and such. It would have been much more entertaining.

And we both decided that we are just smart people. Then we ate.

On another note, I found out today that, apparently, I can chose whether or not I want to be a virgin anymore. According to "seventeen" magazine (yes, I bought it and we were laughing our asses off in the car reading it) that is. Also, to get a summer love to possibly be more, follow these lengthy but COMPLETELY appropriate rules:

"Have a flirt-a-thon" (swear to god)
Start by: Getting away from your usual crowd. When you're on a cruise, at camp, or at a beach club, there will be tons of cute guys who also want to keep things casual for the summer. They won't know all your friends or your life story, so you can be fun and flirty without having to get too deep.
Follow up by: Starting a conversation with one guy (for now!) (actual parenthesis in the article) Talk about anything--you might dismiss a guy with a lame approach, but lucky for us, guys are more forgiving. Just avoid swapping super-personal stories---you're better off saving that for a serious relationship.
Ask him to: An adrenaline-pumping activity, like a water park or scary movie. The physical excitement you feel will transfer to each other, making him totally hot for you (and vice versa)
DON'T: Kiss every guy you date. Especially if they know each other--they willcompare notes. Playing the field isn't about hooking up over and over. It's about getting to know lots of guys until you find the right match for you.


(oh it keeps getting better....)

Finally get the Guy:
Start by: Sending more-than-friends signals. You've been crushing on him all summer; now's the time to make your move. Stand closer to him than you have to. mile, laugh and be easy to talk to, but only with him so he knows he's special.
Follow up by: Separating him from the crowd. When you're hanging out in a group, quietly ask him a personal question about the topic at hand while everyone else keeps talking over you--instant private convo! (yes. it is really in this magazine that is shaping our youth) When it makes sense, say, "Hey, give me your number and I'll give you a ride to [wherever]." Give him yours too, "just in case you need it."
Ask him to: A concert or game. Look spontaneous: Wait till three days before to invite him, and say you're already going. If he can't make it, he's more likely to ask you out since you made the first move
DON'T: Make him the center of your universe. If you obsess over him and hang on his every word, you'll lose that air of mystery. Make sure you're sometimes the one who has to go or get off the phone first. Leave him wanting more!

And finally.......
Make it last through the fall:
Start by: Sharing more. Been seeing a guy all summer? Revealing private details will make you feel closer. Ask him how he gets along with his family. If he's shy, spill first to help him open up.
Follow up by: Telling him how you feel. But not in a scary "can we talk?" way.. A week before school say, "I've had such a great time with you this summer. I hope we can keep seeing each other when school starts." Then resist the urge to wait for a response; immediately move on to another topic so he doesn't feel pressured. (I am getting the feeling that men are some strange sort of creature that must be protected and coddled and treated with a sensitivity we know nothing of unless we purchase this magazine....)(oh, and you must play games.) (Always)
Ask him to: A block party or picnic on the first weekend after classes begin, to bridge the summer-to-school gap. Being outdoors makes people feel more romantic, and he'll see that things between you don't have to end just because the seasons are changing.
DON'T: Overwhelm him. Talking about going to homecoming together before football season even starts will make it seem like dating you in the "real world" (quotation marks there in the article, and I just can't stand this...) (i.e., during school) is too much work. Relax, and enjoy being with him right now.

I sure hope this has cleared up any questions anyone may have about what teenage girls are taught regarding relationships and how to deal with teenage boys. Because nothing says fun, lighthearted relationships in a time when you're just starting to know who you are more than playing games and not being able to speak to another person of the opposite sex without a cheat sheet from a magazine written by a 30-something woman who should fucking know better!

And to think, I had a subscription to that magazine.....and maybe all my questions are answered.

I was just telling Laura.....

There have been times when I've been kinda sad that there aren't any videos of me when I was young. It would have been fun to see how I looked, how I talked, things like that.

Well, there is no need.

There is a New Kids On The Block E! True Hollywood Story on the TV right now. I saw myself in those millions of little screaming girls. My hair. My voice. My clothes. It's crazy!

And more importantly, my giant buttons and pillow cases.

Woo Hoo!!

I placed tonight!!!

I made it through the poker tournament and placed! It was third place and I won $40! (In reality, I won $20 because it was $10 to buy in and a $10 re-buy). I am sooo happy! And it's three in the morning....and I had just gotten myself on a bit of a morning schedule for work.

Ah well.

It was totally worth it. Good friends, good times, Laura's scream as she got a fourth queen on the river and had gone all in.

Good times.

I must go to Philadelphia. I must go to The Mutter Museum (insert om lat above the 'U'). I must see the things behind glass there. I'm watching all about it on the Travel Channel and it's so freakin' fascinating!

Who is with me?! Roadtrip!

OK

So I should never get lost in the Sierra Mountains. Because if there is no source of water, or you have no way to boil the water you find, you chew on pine needles. They are full of moisture. And vitamin C. And Tory Poison.

So I would dehydrate in California. But I could totally survive in Kenya!

I love "Forensic Files".

I love "Law and Order".

I love all things law-ish and dead-ish (I'm watching the shows of the deeeeaaaayyydddd)
and figure-it-out-ish.

And, apparently, putting "ish" after every word. Ish.

Riesling is good.

The fact that my temp job just became as permanent as I want it to is good.

I am very excited about going to the Museum of Science and Industry for the CSI exhibit.

Smoking Dude hasn't attempted to make contact again. I've also kept the windows shut, so maybe he just hasn't had the chance. I got away from one creepy shithead, and would hate to think that I moved next door to another. So we'll see how that goes.

Things are okay today. I've been up and down for a bit, but I think things are going to even out a bit. More cause for some joy.

3-2-1 CONTACT!

Smoking Dude decided to talk to me last night. At one in the morning as I was taking the fan out of the window. He was very friendly, saying hello and asking me how I was. I said "fine" and pretended to not hear him as he asked me for my name. I just closed the blinds.

So we'll keep an eye on Smoking Dude and see what happens.

One more thing....

Criss Angel....

You need to stop speaking, just be pretty, and do your magic.

For serious.

Just. Stop. Talking.

Some life lessons....

They may last forever. And it may be a statement of wealth or position, but I canNOT see myself paying $1,600 for a set of six dining room chairs, even if they ARE from Pottery Barn.

Using the Pottery Barn catalogue can give you ideas for rearranging and using things you already own and didn't spend thousands of dollars on.

Therapy is a good thing.

Sometimes it feels like you are backsliding. Sometimes it feels like you are going back over things you thought you had dealt with. And the secret? You have dealt with it. You are not backsliding. You are not going over and over the same things over and over again. You are finally to the point where you are strong enough to go even deeper. And there is nothing weak about that. There is nothing backsliding about that. Issues may come up that you had dealt with, but it means there is something deeper, stronger and much more hidden that you are finally able to deal with and heal from. And those are all good things.

Eating food that caused no creature harm feels good in both the belly and the soul.

If you get a sense of impending doom at how quickly society is changing and what those crazy kids and their complicated shoes are learning, just remember the time when you taped songs off the radio. On to a tape. And played it, stopping after every line to write it down. So it would be quicker to memorize. Then think about kids today going online to find lyrics. Then think about your grandparents who didn't even have tape players. And realize the changes that society has made, for both better and worse. And know that there is nothing that will keep change from happening. It's just up to you to figure out how you will fit in the change.

Know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away. And for all that's holy, know when to run.

Holy shit!!

So "Voltron" is on Adult Swim right now, and I have to say it is a horrible cartoon. My god. But I LOVE it! I haven't seen any episodes, or even part of an episode, since it was new.

I remember how in love with Keith I was, and how much I wanted to be Princess Allura.

I still kick myself sometimes for selling my Voltron set. Both of them. Oh yeah...the lions AND the cars.....Damn I was cool. But I wanted to order clothes out of the J.C. Penny catalog so I would feel older. What the hell does a fourth grader know about anything anyway......

Oh, it's back on.....Keith is about to pretend to lose a fight and bounce back at the last minute. HE JUST FELL DOWN THE CLIFF!!! Does this mean the end of Voltron? Now the bad guy is telling the whole point of the duel, thereby giving the audience an idea as to what is going on.

AND THERE GO THE LIONS!!!!

Bad Guy: "Hello, Keith! Now that I have bested you at battle, the battle we just fought, I can tell you why I chose to do this battle with you. I wanted to separate you from the rest of Voltron so they can be easily defeated! Now that you are about to die I can tell you all of my plan. HA! HA! HA!"

Keith: AAAHHHAAAHHHAAAHHHH!!!!!

Bad Guy: YES! Yes, we will defeat the rest of Voltron! And I am now getting in my ship. And now I am flying away in my ship! And I am still flying! And I'm going to watch the rest of Voltron get defeated! Right after I land my ship! Which I am landing. Right now. Landing."

Keith: AAHHHAAHHHAAHHHAAAHHHAAAHHH!!!!!!

Bad Guy: YES!

I am so damn happy right now!