mmmm

My tank top, while clean, still smells of sunscreen. I wore this all the time in Venezuela, and the smell of sunscreen doesn't leave clothes very easily. So I'm sitting here, getting ready to start my midterm and some essays I need to do for class, the window is open, and I smell sunscreen. Perfect.

At this moment, I am happy.

Migraines and cleansing

I had to leave school early today because a headache came bursting in behind my eyes and the back of my neck. Fearing a migraine, I jumped on the bus and ran home to get A) Chocolate B) Excedrine Migraine C) some quiet and D) some real food (after the chocolate, of course).

All four worked. I don't know that it was truly a migraine or just a really bad tension headache. But I was really worried for a moment. I can't handle a migraine right now, and the sleep and total quiet it requires.

The last few days have been filled with a weird energy. Very soon the chapter on it will be closed and moving on will occur. I really don't know what else to say about it, other than I'll be so glad when it's done and gone.

I will be married in 25 days. In 26 days I will have been married for 24 hours. It's still amazing to me. McGuire, who is officiating the ceremony, came over last Friday to talk about our vows and the general stuff about the wedding. I played dress up and put on the entire outfit.....dress, veil, jewelry, shoes.....and she teared up and almost started crying. Now, I know she has some hormones going crazy, with being 6 months pregnant and all, but she claimed it was because I looked so beautiful and happy. In that very GOOD way, I felt like a different person.....I felt like a true grown up. Now, I am not one to believe that you must be married or have a baby or hit any other milestones in life to be considered a grown up. I just really haven't ever felt like one for any extended period of time. I remember being 18 and thinking how old "almost 30" is, and I don't think it at all now that I am living it.

But putting on that dress and veil, I felt like a woman. I felt like I was making a truly grown up decision and getting ready to embark on a truly adult life. Maybe the socialization of what an "adult" is has stuck with me, as much as I try to deny it. It's a very powerful thing.

But as Steve pointed out a while back, our relationship, which is already a marriage, will be made LEGAL. If we want to leave it, we can't just break up and be done. We have to have a lawyer. There is a whole new level of, for lack of a better word, seriousness that goes along with this. We are serious about it now, but there is a different dimension. A wonderful and scary dimension.

All will be well and good for us. We will have our troubles, we already have. But we've made it through them stronger each time. It's really starting to sink in to every ounce of my being that, together, there is nothing we can't get through. We will heal each other, protect each other, and put the other first in all we do.

It's amazing.

I had forgotton

just how much I love Toad the Wet Sprocket. Steve burned me the entire collection of them, and I can't stop listening to "Walk on the Ocean". That song is so beautiful, but carries with it a bit of sadness. If memory serves correctly, I was in love with someone, unrequited of course, when this song was big. I would listen to it when I was in the car and cry. But now, as with all songs that I felt a certain emotion when it was popular, I can sit and appreciate it for what it is.....a musical memory.

My bridal shower was yesterday. It was amazing. I had such a wonderful time and received so many wonderful gifts. We now own a Cuisinart!!!! Everyone was so excited for me, and it was really nice to be the princess for a day. And I will be the princess in less than a month again. Then, back to boring old me. But I have that to look forward to.

I have so many wonderful friends who truly care about me. Not just because of the bridal shower, but who genuinly care for me. And I genuinly, truly care for them as well. Goodness abounds.

Well, I am off to study. Nothing like waiting until the last minute, again.

MORE BABBLING!

So this first-thing-in-the-morning-babbling is cool. I'm going to make PopTarts and type some amazing stuff.

*sorry. took a pause of about 2 minutes staring at the keys, not having anything amazing to write about--very comdedic moment, if anyone was here to see it*

My bridal shower is today. It's in a few hours. I met up with McGuire last night and we went over the ceremony (why I wrote the vows yesterday). All of these little things keep making it more and more real. The veil. The invitations. The dress. Inserting our names in the vows and having it on paper. All of those things make it real. The funny thing is, my bridal shower doesn't. It seems so weird to me that people would be gathering around in a room, bringing me presents, bringing food to share and playing fun games that I'm sure involve penises or something like that.

The bachelorette party....that's another one that doesn't seem like it fits. It's not my birthday. It's not the closing or opening of a show. I didn't just graduate. Why are all these wonderful women friends of mine taking me out to get me schnockerd and having me be the center of attention?

I still feel like a little kid playing dress up. I know a lot of my married friends feel the same way. Maybe it's jus denial of growing up. I mean, just a generation ago, my mom was married at 18 and had me at 21. If I were to have done that, I would have a seven year old right now.

Well, I'm going to finish my cherry pop tarts and cuddle my man, who just arose from the dead and is snuggling on my arm as we speak. More to come after the bridal shower. Who's it for again? so weird.....

Vows

I just finished writing our vows. It took quite awhile, since I had many different papers to go through and wanted to find the right things to say. Some of it seems a bit unike us (saying "shall and things like that), but I really want this part of the ceremony to be kinda formal. The rest of it is completely us, and this is just something I think would make the actual ceremony stick out in my mind more. It seems more 'real', I guess. We say things to each other almost every day about how we're going to be together forever and how we make the other feel......it'll be nice to use someone else's words to make us realize just how special that day is.

They are beautiful. I can't wait to say them. Can't wait.

Le Sigh

So last night was Thursday. I didn't take a shower at 5 pm. I didn't bust ass to get out the door by 6. Dido is over. I have my life back. Finally.

I got two papers back that I wrote a few weeks ago. One was a B+, which I'm kinda freaked out about, but the other was an A+. Yes, this professor does +/- for the grades, which I like. I enjoy seeing how far I am away from the next grade up. But I'm a nerd. And nerds do that sort of thing.

Things are getting better every day. We have the rehearsal dinner planned, we have a space for the wedding, Steve has two jobs (but one will have to go by the wayside.....we'll see after this weekend which one stays), things are just generally better.

I am really getting excited about the wedding. There is a part of me that just wants it over so our lives can go on and be normal again. There is a part of me that can't wait for the day because of what it is.....the day I get married to the one I love. There is a part of me that is really scared about wearing my ring. It was my great-grandmother's wedding set, and the top part sticks out further than I'm used to. I worry so much that something will happen to it. But it will be fine. Just paranoid.

It's going to be so weird to go by a different last name. I'm keeping mine, but it will be moved to my middle name. I will have two middle names. Crazy. But, I didn't want to lose that part of my identity, but at the same time I want the unity a shared name has. Plus, it will sound like Tombulgere, which is a great memory from Shakes I.

I am just ready for it to happen. I don't want to wait these last four weeks. shit. four weeks. But I have no shows, no anything keeping me from focusing on the wedding, school and work. I'll be all good.

This post has no real meaning. Just early morning gibberish while I'm waking up. No coffee yet.

It found me today

I have come to believe that, like pets, they find you, you don't find them. I am talking about movies. Certain movies find us at certain times in our lives, and we can't ignore them or their meaning.

A case in point (before getting to today's movie): Kill Bill Vol 1&2. The first volume came to me at a time in my life which was okay. Things seemed to be going well. I saw it once, couldn't wait to see volume 2, then forgot about them. Both. Then, Mike's suicide. Shortly after his death, I watched volume 2. I found the movie that would help to get me through the pain. As stupid as it may sound (and, I am fully aware of movie magic and allowances that are taken from both director and actor), the movie made me realize I could make it though anything. If Beatrix Kiddo could suffer as much as she did and come back, swinging and full of life, so could I. And, while living through a suicide isn't the same as being buried alive and killing the Crazy 88, mine was real. Hers was scripted. So, the balance was made and I could forgive the fact that it was fiction and revel in her strength, her power, her unending need to set things right and have revenge. The Black Mamba helped me live though a horribly painful time, a pain that I had never felt before, although I had been present for the passing of those I loved in the past. This was a completely different pain, unlike any other I had experienced.

Which brings me to today. As is my want, I ignored all the homework I was going to do during spring break and waited until, that's right, today. I was researching for a paper due on Monday and I decided to take a break. I had been going at it for a few hours and needed to relax my mind a bit. Turned on HBO and there, not five minutes in, was The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.

This movie affects me in different ways. There is the theatre part of me that understands the real sorrow the actors felt as they finished their 3 year shoot. There is a connection one gets when working with other actors, and no matter how often you see your fellow performers after the experience is over, there is a special bond. You become someone else with others who are on the same journey, and it's a very special experience. And, when the time comes to end the show, there is a sadness that is really unexplainable. As I watched ROTK, I felt that sadness with the actors as well as the characters as they said goodbye to each other.

Another way is simply the beauty of the story. It is so wonderful, it captures the nature of humankind, the good and the bad. It is beautifully told, wonderfully shot and, well, it makes me cry in more than one place.

The third (but not last) reason this movie affects me more than your average movie is the first of the last times I saw it. There was a LOTR marathon at my friend's home, and we started at 10 am and went until almost 2 am, taking a break between each movie and checking out the extras. We watched the full, uncut versions and ate MUCH food. That was January 16, 2005.

I got the call about Mike from mom on the morning of January 17. Less than 10 hours after crying about the ending of the saga, I was crying over the ending of a life.

Now, when I watch ROTK (which, by the way, has never been intentional after that day) I am filled with many different feelings of sadness and loss.

Today is the last day of Dido. The cast and crew will be there tomorrow to strike the set and have a pool party. Then, we will go our separate ways. Some I will see in a month at the wedding. Some I will see here and there in other performances. But, this is my last performance for a long time. I decided to no longer do theatre while in school, and I have a few more years of schooling. Then, planned parenthood shortly after my degree is attained. I don't know how much time I will have for performing, although I know I won't be able to stay away forever. I plan on helping out with Shakes, on a as-can-do basis.

A few days ago, Kill Bill Vol 2 found me again. It was one of the first warm days when the windows could be opened. Which was perfect. One of my fondest and saddest memories of my life a year ago was watching Vol 2, windows open (even if it was too cold), letting the breeze cleanse me as I cleansed my apartment from all unneeded clutter. It was a time when I didn't leave the apartment without taking at least two bags of trash or bags for the homeless shelter with me. I cleansed myself of all I didn't need, knowing I couldn't take it with me anyway, and if the memory is important enough, it would stay with me, without having to have some physical reminder.

Today, the windows are sort of open. This is the first time I've been alone in a long time, with Steve being at work. The sun was shining on me as I lay on the couch with Kitten, watching the end of a journey taken by hobbits, elves and human, feeling the end of my own journey with Dido hours away, and knowing that there is so much more to come.

The sadness is still there. But I know there is more to come. Not of that saga.....both are over. But there are new adventures waiting around the corner and for the first time in a long time, I am ready to get on the boat leaving Middle Earth and experience what else there is out there. My sadness too will have an end. That saga can't reign forever. And it won't. But for now, the sound of the ceiling fan clicking and the tapping of my fingernails on the keyboard are soothing my sorrow away.

I guess I'm just not afraid anymore.

shit

I found out a few days ago that a guy I went to high school with was missing after a boating accident. Parts of Indiana are really flooded, and although the creek may not look like it, there is a huge undertow in flood waters, especially where I grew up. Cars would try to drive through flooded streets and end up in a field, carried away by the waters.

Kyle was boating with two friends when the boat overturned, I believe. The other two friends made it to shore, and by the time they got there, Kyle was no where to be seen. This happenend on Sunday.

I got an email from a friend today, making it official. The secretary for our class is sending flowers from the Class of 96. He was married with two kids.

He was one of the good ones. While we were never really close, he is one of those guys that I would always talk to. He was never mean, never hateful.

I knew, when he was missing, that he was probably dead. Even if he would have been carried far away by the waters, he would have found a way home or a way to get in touch with someone. I just found out they found him in the flood waters of the creek on Tuesday.

I understand, being the way I am, I don't have to be close to someone to have their misfortune upset me. But this, for whatever reason, is really hitting me hard. But it always does when it's a classmate. Maybe it reminds me that we are all mortal, really. Maybe it just takes away that innocense that we all had back then. Or maybe, it's because he was a nice, good guy that never hurt anyone, and for him to drown in flood waters with a wife and two children left is not fair. It's not fucking fair. It's just not fair at all. Evil people who destroy lives are left alone, and good people drown or get hit by a train or mix the wrong prescriptions.

He was one I was looking forward to seeing at our 10 year reunion this summer. But because life is just not fair, I won't. He won't get to see his kids grow up. He won't share another anniversary with his wife. He's not going to breathe again.

For what it's worth, Kyle.....I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Just know that you will be missed. And know that those of us left know how unfair it was.

Feeling better

About time.

The last month or so has been hell. It's been dreading one day after another, waiting for the bad news of the day to come crashing in. After awhile, I started setting myself up for those bad days in advance, and it didn't make me too nice of a person.

But I couldn't show how I felt at school. I had to concentrate and forget the rest of my life's bad crap. I couldn't show how I felt at Dido. I had to go onstage and be Venus, and Venus never worried about how she was going to pay the bills or where she was going to get married. It took so much energy to be away from home, that by the time I was home, I was all out of energy and just wanted to exist. Well, that was hard for Steve, because he translated it into me not having faith in him for finding a job and general negativity wears down on significant others after awhile. So then I started feeling that I had to put on a happy face when I was home, and that terrified me, which made the depression that much worse.

So, I just existed through the days. I wasn't myself, because I was afraid that the second I went back to being myself more bad news would come our way and I wouldn't be able to handle it.

Until the massage. The house manager for Dido, Taylor, saw me sitting alone backstage after I was done with my part for the night, and she started rubbing my shoulders. Then my back. Then my feet, hands, arms, legs, head. I felt all the tension, the nasty negativity that I was keeping in my muscles start to be released. After 40 or so minutes of being massaged, I was feeling like myself again.

And now I'm back. Completely. I know that we will probably continue to get bad news over the next few weeks. It's always how it goes.....things are great with very few cares, then BAM. Over the head with everything possible that could go wrong, with the exception of paralysis or death. But I'm back to myself, and I can handle it. Steve and I have been acting like our old selves, and that helps. I'd been dealing with his depression over hating Target for over a month, then he lost it, and a whole new kind of depression hit him. And, being the human emotion sponge that I am, I took it all and it got me down.

I don't know how to stop being a human sponge. I don't know that I want to learn. It makes me who I am, which is empathetic to others when they are hurting and I think generally makes me an alright person. I don't want to lose that. I just need to start my yoga again.

But things between Steve and I are okay again, which I knew would happen. We are still learning how to read each other when the other is down. I tend to get really introverted and need time to myself....he took that as me wanting to be away from him. Those little things that only time will make us aware of. And we joke about how we feel that we've been together 10, almost 11 years, but things like this make it obvious that we really haven't.

And the learning is the best part. Because I love him. And it's worth it.

BUT---if anyone knows of any jobs open, please let me know!!!!