I had no idea just how much I needed recharging until today.

I was much more nervous about last night than I realized, and after the show was over, I got really tired. There was a letdown, but not in the usual "I've just been on stage and the energy is gone" feeling. I had worked myself up about it and didn't even realize just how much.

But it was fun.

And today was the icing on the weekend cake.

Got up to beautiful weather. Decided that I needed to find an excuse to get on The Kiddo, so I went to Bed, Bath and Beyond. Bought what I was there for, and came back. Laura sent me a text saying that she was going to the BBQ as well, and I picked her up on The Kiddo right around 1:30.

If we were never Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels before today, we were this afternoon!

Went to Whole Foods, went to Nate and Holly's, ate myself stupid, became a three time champion at badminton, and petted Auggie.

And remembered just what spring/summer is about: Getting your feet dirty in a back yard. Cooking with charcoal. Laughing with friends. Getting sun but not burning. Sitting outside as the sun goes down, talking and laughing. Meeting new people. Enjoying the moment completely.

To borrow from Ms. Madeline, I feel wefweshed.

I dropped Laura off at The Spot to hang with Mr. Text and came home to an apartment that smells of spring and a cat who was very happy to see me.

I've also found that the city of Chicago is a much friendlier place when on a bike. So many random people start up small conversations with me when I'm stopped at a light, getting on or getting off. And I've become part of some sub-culture I had no idea about.

I know I am truly happy when the little pleasant things in life make me smile. It doesn't take much anymore. Sometimes, it doesn't take anything at all.

No matter how many loves I have had since, that first whiff of spring in the morning is Hillarie.

So I wrote a post that was completely arbitrary, and realized once I got in the shower that I knew what I wanted to talk about.

This has been a crazy week. It's been awesome, but crazy.

I don't think I wrote about the engagement party on Saturday for Christi. That was so much fun. Both the engagement and the party were a surprise, and getting Christi to be surprised is about the hardest thing to do. It was so good to see her so happy. And it was good to see Cyndi again. And Christi's family, who in a very short period of time years ago, became my second family. I missed them more than I realized, and it took seeing them to remind me just how much I care about them. So that was just awesome all around.

I've been riding my bike all over the city, weather permitting. I got stuck on the road when it started raining on Tuesday night, and it's amazing how raindrops feel like bullets when they hit your face at 40 mph. But I love the bike.

And I love rain, and it sucks that I'm starting to get angry at the rain, because it keeps me from riding more. I know once this summer hits, I will be on it non-stop (and I'm sure praying for a cool rain because it will get so DAMN HOT!).

I am closer every day to becoming vegan. I just feel that change in the wind. Today, I ordered cucumber sushi, and I couldn't eat it. It smelled like fish, and the smell made me sick. I've never been sick over the smell of fish before. When I first stopped eating meat, tasting it made me sick. But the smell...it was very interesting. And sad, in a way. I really wanted to eat that sushi!

Today, a woman who is in a couple of classes with me said a wonderful thing. I have been talking to her about my volunteering at the shelter and how I'm working with special needs cats. And I talk about my own cat and her behavior program. She has never been a big animal person...she doesn't dislike them, but she hasn't ever had a real connection with animals before.

Today at lunch, she told me that I have challenged her way of thinking. She said that she and some friend were talking about animals and someone made a comment that if a cat had problems, just put it down. She said that normally she wouldn't have much of an opinion on the topic, but because of our talks, she stood up to the woman and talked about how there are ways to help animals that have those issues and putting them down was a last resort when all else failed. She said her response shocked her friends, and even more so, herself.

That was just really wonderful, hearing how I have challenged someone in their ways of thinking. It gives me hope that, when I'm a professor, I will have the same impact on my students. And in general...what a beautiful feeling to know that something I've said, in casual conversation, has changed someone's way of thinking.

Along with that, there is also a real sense of power, and that's scary. It makes me even more aware that the things we say and do impact others in ways we don't know. How many casual conversations have I had where I left someone thinking something negative? How many conversations have I had where I left someone thinking something positive?

It's nice to be made aware of the power we all have when we communicate with others. We make an impact every day, and it's up to us to determine whether that impact will forward thinking and positive change, or dampen learning and create negative change.

We all leave a mark. The responsibility lies within each of us to determine just what that mark will be.

The 23rd

I have to say that today was the most amazing day.

First, it was seeing ScooterBoy again and getting flirted with. Then classes went really well. Therapy was awesome. Even Jeff spilling hot chocolate all over my shorts was fun.

Then tonight.

I do have the world's greatest friends. And those who weren't able to be there physically were there in spirit. And they made the night amazing. My un-iversary.

I have to say, I am now married to the damn coolest group of people I could ever imagine being married to. And have the most kick-ass ring to prove it!

Today was nothing that I expected, emotionally. And I'm so thankful. Instead of any sadness, I was surrounded by smiling faces and those that love me.

I couldn't imagine a better anniversary.

Wow

Today was an awesome day!

I BOUGHT A SCOOTER!

It gets 100 miles per gallon, gets up to 45 mph, which is perfect for the city, and gave the guy who sold it to me my number.

Yeah.

It was so much fun.

Here's the story......

So I went in to the store today, just going to look. This guy named Eric comes from behind the counter and we start talking. After I find out all the really cool stuff about the scooter I was looking at (it's a Geniune Scooter Buddy 50), I asked him if I could take one for a test drive. He said that their insurance didn't cover it, but he would be more than happy to drive while I rode, just to get a feel.

I got on the scooter and said, "Alright, I'm gonna be getting pretty close here." and kinda laughed. He said, "Um, that's okay. That's good. I'm okay with that." And we both started laughing. He took me for an AWESOME ride around the area, and I knew that I totally wanted to buy it. He told me he would throw in a helmet for free.....

So I left to do some more errands, and after thinking about it, decided to go back and get it. I called him (he gave me his card) and I hopped in a cab. When I got there, I heard him talking to someone else behind the counter and the other guy said, "Yeah, we can give her the front rack." I finally got Eric's attention and we started the buying process.

He went into another room for a minute and came out with a box of cookies from IKEA. He offered them to me. So I ate a cookie, he did more stuff, conversation ensued, and he left and came back with a carton of strawberries! So I ate strawberries. More paperwork. He comes back to the counter with a box of Cherry Heads! He said, "I'm just in the mood to give today!" He gave me a magnet, front rack and helmet for free. We talked more.

Finally, the bike was ready. He walked me to the back and asked if he could take it for a quick ride, to make sure it was working okay. He came back, and I gave him my number. On the lid of the Cherry Heads box. Since we talked about how getting a scooter was even cooler with Cherry Head breath. I told him that since he was so giving today, if he wanted to ever see a show, I would pay.

So I drove off. It was a BLAST! I am still working on steering, but I went to a spot on Ravenswood where there are parking spaces and worked on it a bit. I'm still getting used to the turning, but everything else was like, well, riding a bike!

I just got back and went to take pictures for the parents (and the camera battery was dead, so it's charging) and when I sat down to write this, saw I had two new messages. One was from mom.

The other was from Eric. Just making sure I made it home okay.

So I'm going to call him. And tell him I made it home okay.

;)

AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DAMN THIS SUPREME COURT!!!!

I want to move so far away, but I also want to stay and fight this absurdity. I just can't stand being an American at this exact moment in time.

Seriously.

Fuck the Supreme Court. Yeah, I said it.

But just make sure you don't get it pregnant.

I love volunteering. I just love it. I love the cats, the rabbits, and the people. I've been shown a few of the cats who have behavioral problems, and they are going to be my special projects. I know that with enough time and love, they can turn around and be adoptable.

While it gets very overwhelming at times, I'm really enjoying this new awareness of my responsibility for taking up space on this earth. All sorts of things are shifting within me, and all of the results are really positive.

I'm noticing every time I use my car instead of biking. I am proud every time I use my totes instead of plastic bags in stores. I'm so happy that I gave up all meat and fish again. It probably won't be long until I'm vegan. I have that feeling. The hardest things to give up would be cottage cheese, honey (and all my Burt's Bees stuff) and foods with eggs in them (like my beloved cheese blintzes at IHOP). But I think it will be a change that will happen, simply based on the way all things are changing within me. And there are so many alternatives to those products. It will be interesting if I do make that change. It will require many vitamins!

I just feel the need to use this new awareness in a large scale way. I feel the need to create some serious change around me, making the world a better place for all who live on it. I feel the need to explore areas all over the globe and make things better. I'm just starting to have a fear that this lifetime won't be enough.

But I know that the changes I'm making now, the things I'm doing every day, are creating some change, regardless of how small or seemingly insignificant. This is a time when I wish I was incredibly independently wealthy, and use that money to save things, have a large presence when needed, and have a voice that can't be ignored. Because money still drives this society, and sometimes it's the only thing that gets you heard.

Except many voices. Large numbers are hard to ignore. And there are many voices speaking out right now about things that are going to affect us very soon.

This is just a weird kinda day. There is some energy in the air, and I feel like I'm slowly becoming a part of something that's much larger than I could even imagine. Maybe we are finally waking up as a society to the things that need to be done and changed. Maybe I am just feeling something that I haven't really felt before....I feel like I'm really going to make a difference. Maybe not today or this week or year, but I just feel like I'm going to do something to help on a much larger scale than using totes instead of plastic bags when I buy cat food at Walgreens.

Maybe I'm just relieved that I have finally found an outlet for that need I have to make things better. In a healthy way, in a way that will actually make things better. I'm not finding people to date who need much more help than I could ever give. I'm not creating crisis within my every day life so I could have a sense of solving something. I no longer need those things.

I no longer need those things because, for the first time in my life, I know what I am worth. I know what I can give. I know what I'm willing to put up with and deal with. And I have no time for personal drama or holding someone's hand as they try to bring me down. All of this energy is going to myself and those things that really need it.

Damn, it feels good to be me right now. And I've only waited all my life to say that.

The world is making sense to me now.

More specifically, MY world is making much more sense to me now.

I have felt a very strong path ahead of me for awhile now, but I never really saw the path I was previously on, truly, until this afternoon.

It's just so freeing when you have answers to questions you didn't even know you were asking. Or needed to ask. Or that even existed.

My grounding is so firm, so strong...and it will continue to get even stronger.

I am more excited about the next phase in my life than I have ever been before. I'm excited to test these new legs, these new eyes, these new thoughts and this AMAZINGLY new sense of self-worth. The kind that comes from a true place.

I know, without a doubt, that the rest of my life will be less complicated. Of course things are going to happen to get in the way....that's living. But I don't have those questions floating around. I know exactly where my actions for the last, oh, 20 years have come from. And knowing that, I can alter my previous thinking to fit the new me.

And so far, it's coming along marvelously!

I want to start by saying I love Bear Grylls. I just love him. Because of him, if I am stranded anywhere on this planet, I will be able to survive. He is just awesome.

I started volunteering yesterday. It was awesome. There was an adorable tortoise shell named Lois who just loved me. And another cat (I can't remember his name) who jumped up on my shoulders and took a quick nap. I have rabbit training this week and special needs cat training next week. The people were awesome, and just being around that many cats and rabbits was awesome. Especially since I know they have a much better life than they did before coming to the shelter. Just good feelings all around.

On a completely different note, I feel like I'm starting to get out of my constant procrastination phase that I've been in, oh, all my life. I've been doing big assignments days before they're due, unlike my usual the-night-before-cram session. It's nice, really. I feel like I'm in control more than I have in a long time. I think it all ties into the many different ways I'm shifting my ways of living. It's just seeping into every aspect of my life. It's so funny to look at all the different ways change is manifesting itself within me.

I have a cat who is ready for some play time, and if I don't get off this computer now, she will eat my leg and have no second thoughts about going after the eyes next.

The Lake is angry today. She was rising up and crashing against anything standing in her way.

It was beautiful and scary to watch. There is so much power contained in the Lake. She can soothe and destroy. She is the perfect example of nature.

I found out that Riley has to have his cat put to sleep. So I sent him an email. And it was the first one I'd sent to him in awhile. I guess he wrote to me during the divorce, and I don't remember getting it at all.

But after I wrote to Riley, I looked at the folders I had of saved messages from the years. This is my Yahoo account, which I rarely use. I had some folders that contained emails from my exes (when they were currents) and, since I am never really on Yahoo, never erased.

And I'm glad.

It's so much fun to look back at those relationships as I am now and see who I was back then. See those moments when I would have handled things differently. See those moments when I handled things in just the right way. And the exes that I have folders of are the ones I am still okay to talk to (and some I do).

I have had some shitty, shitty exes in my time, and it always makes me forget about the two or three good ones I've had.

It's very interesting....in therapy, we are working on trying to integrate the old Tory back into the new Tory, and the different parts of me that need to be nurtured in order to have a complete, whole sense of being. I think my therapist is afraid that, by getting rid of my old ways, I would also be getting rid of my old good parts. I like to think of it as more of using a flour sifter to keep the good and get rid of the bad.

But if I were to truly get rid of the old Tory (which I can't ever do, only alter the way I used to think), I would be getting rid of those memories of those chosen few who were decent who I shared my life with for a time. And that isn't something I want to do either.

I think I've noticed, in the last half hour of reading these emails, just how differently I think now. Usually, when I would read things from old loves, I would be filled with a sadness that was usually followed by loneliness. Now, I sit and read these emails that I haven't seen in years and laugh, smile and remember what it felt like to be in that specific situation. There isn't a sense of loss or sadness or loneliness. It's just more of those happy memories that are filling me up and supporting me instead of weighing me down.

What an interesting journey this "life" thing is....

I know how I'm going to die.

Yep. I do.

It will involve a few things:

1). Me in camo cutoff shorts, sports bra, holding a water bottle.
2). The Great Plains
3). A pride of lions
4). My faith that they will understand that I just want to scratch behind their ears and hear them purr.


I think all these years of living with Kitten has made me immune to the great power of lions. I figure, if I can sleep next to her every night, lions are nothing.

And so I will feed a pride for a day or so.


(and you can tell what episodes of "Planet Earth" were on based on my Sunday blog posts)

Conspiracy?

Maybe.....

Today, I got two hang up calls from West Palm Beach, Florida. Then I left for school. As I was driving, I was behind a car. From Palm Beach, Florida. Weird, right?

Coming back from class? Yep. Behind an SUV from, guess where?

Coincidence? Maybe......

;)

Oh the people, the people you'll meet!

I went to a fundraiser tonight for a friend's theatre company, and wasn't going to go. School night. Tired. Fully belly. Whathaveyou.

Then I struck up a conversation with a woman who is friends with Holly. We were talking about my schooling, and how I was so tired because I spent the whole day working on statistics for biology, and it was draining. She asked what I was going to school for and I told her.

Well.....it just so happens that she is from D.C., where she worked with a program to help at-risk high school kids learn the culinary arts. She asked if I would be interested in working with high school kids. I said sure. She told me that she is starting up the program here, is having a lunch meeting next week to see if she gets the funding she needs, and if so, she would love to have me come on as a program director for it!

When we started talking more about the specifics, she said the program should be up and running before the end of the year. I reminded her that I only had a year to work before PhD started up. She THEN said that if this program was going to take longer to come together than she hopes, she will put me in contact with some women that she worked with at the Chicago Abused Women's Coalition. And if THEY don't have anything, she will ask the same friends to give me the non-profit job websites. But she's pretty sure that they're hiring, especially people with degrees. And especially in the social work/sociology field. And one of the women she knows......this woman is known all through Chicago in the non-profit sector.

So YAY! At least two potential jobs on the horizon, plus many more from this website.

It couldn't have come at a better time. I was just thinking a few days ago that I needed to get the ball rolling with resumes and phone calls to land a job starting this summer. I would love to work on this new program, but I would also love to work at the CAWC.

This is just awesome!!!

I love Stephen Colbert.

That is all.

What have I learned today?

I've learned that humans can be bastard people.

And what's worse? I am a hypocritical bastard person.

I need to start looking into global warming and the things I can do to stop it.

I've come to a very interesting point. I was never able to watch an animal get hurt, even by another animal. Now I am addicted to Animal Planet, and see animals in the wild surviving in the ways they know how. And while I still get sad when I see something die, I know it is dying so something else can live. Circle of life. I am understanding that much more as I get older.

But I see the destruction that humans have done to the earth and all things living on it. I watched a polar bear try to attack walruses because it didn't have strong enough ice to stand on to hunt for seals. The bear was attacked and died, either of the wounds or starvation. Or both.

I know this earth is cruel. One of the lines from "Planet Earth" tonight was, "The calf may be cute, but nature is not so sentimental." I understand that there are plenty of carnivores on the planet, and many vegetarians as well. I understand that some creatures must kill and eat other animals to survive. Others do not need to. And I know there is no judgment in nature, and I attempt to not judge as well. To each their own.

To relate it to my own life, and take a slight detour at the same time, I know there was a time when I didn't think twice about what I ate. How it lived. How it died. Then I started to care, and avoided eating anything with a face or a mother. Then, over the last two years, I started to lose myself in many ways, and one of those ways was going back to eating meat. Yes, it tasted very good. But I always felt guilty, even if it was very slight, after eating meat. So now I am back to who I feel comfortable being, and that is opening up many more doors for me to look through.

Back to people being bastard people. There was a quote from an ad in "The Nation" that said, "90% of the population believes in global warming. The other 10% are still wrestling with the idea that the earth is round." There are shifts being made on our planet that are affecting so many creatures, and in turn humans, and there is so little being done about it. Lately, I've heard more about global warming than I ever remember hearing, but it still seems like it's not enough. Our ever ridiculous government is turning a blind eye to the problem. At the same time, I guess I would be afraid to have Bush attempt to stop global warming. He would call it "No Polar Icecaps or Bears Left Behind" and we would be in much worse shape than we are now.

This is where the idea of power comes into play. We are the only species on this planet with the full capabilities to reason, think abstract thoughts and invent. At least, as far as we know. Since we believe we are (and could be) the most advanced creatures here, we feel free to treat other creatures as we wish. Hell, we treat other humans as we wish.

Maybe there isn't really much hope. It would be one thing if we simply treated other species like shit, but we don't stop there. Maybe it would be easier to change the minds of people if, as people, we were all treated the same. Maybe if there was a sense of being equal among humans, we could start to tackle the inequality animals are treated with.

I guess I am truly feeling my full responsibility as a person, as a human. I feel the need to change things that need to be changed. I feel like I'm waking up from ignorance and finally seeing that I have a much larger responsibility than just making a living and supporting myself and my cat. I have a responsibility to speak for those that can't speak for themselves. I will be tackling that in my career, attempting to create a voice for people who are never heard. But it doesn't stop there. There are millions of things living that have no voice. Or their voice is ignored.

I have to think about the man walking on the beach, picking up stranded starfish and throwing them back in the water. The person walking next to him says, "There are so many. You can't possibly make a difference." The other man picked up a starfish, threw it in the water and said, "Made a difference for that one."

Maybe that's what I need to do. Get my volunteering started at the animal shelter (which I'm waiting to hear back from), keep going with my education (of course) and make a difference every day, no matter how small.

There is a very strong drive in me at this moment. It's been there for a bit, but it's just now coming to me full force. There is so much that needs to be done in this world, and I'm so afraid that one lifetime isn't enough.

But it has to be. And damnit, I will make full use of this life to improve the lives of others, no matter what species.