Today I went back through and read the very beginning of the Friends of Tory thread.

It's amazing.....not only the amount of support and love I had (and still do), but just how absolutely different I was.

Of course, I was still living in the very newness of the situation.....but things that I said just a few months ago sound alien to me now.

I am starting to achieve that balance between compassion and self-protection. I am still seeking to do what is right by others, but if it conflicts with what is right by me, I will protect myself.

It's just weird to read all those things I wrote when this was first going on. How weak I sounded. How pathetic, almost. I know I wasn't, but reading it now.....

It's a very wonderful reminder of the love I had and have, the support that carried me through, and the many changes that took place between that time and now.

Every day I am closer and closer to being free from all of this. Every day I feel more and more strength. Every day I remember the fires I went through, see my scars, and know that they are scars....not open wounds.

I had another run in yesterday with my gains and losses regarding this whole situation.

It was very nice to be able to completely articulate just what it was I felt I had lost in regards to the relationship. Now I know what to fully mourn for.

Just as important, I was reminded again that my gains are equally important....what I gained both in the relationship and as it was ending.

I don't know, really, where this new rush of feeling is coming from. I don't know if I'm feeling the way I do because I feel my spirituality is returning to me, or if I am out of the woods and done with the "crisis mode" I was in for a long while.

My therapist put it in a good way....we were talking about how I am advancing in therapy, and he mentioned that I had changed leaps and bounds from September and November. He said, "During that time, we were just trying to get you through the week, through each day."

I knew that on some level....but to hear him say it reminded me of how I was all encompassed with what was going on in my life. It surrounded me, suffocated me, stole every waking moment and took over my sleep. Just getting through each day was a difficulty, and while I thought I would make it through, I don't know that I ever KNEW that I would. I hoped. I thought. But knowing, well, that was a different story.

And here I am, on the other side of it now. Not completely done, not by a long shot. There are still things floating to the surface that I must deal with. But, while those are daunting, they are to be overcome. I am now able to separate my daily existence with those things I need to deal with from my past, either from my very recent past or from years before.

And that is a really good feeling. That separation. That sense of self, without being in a "crisis mode". Knowing, KNOWING, that I made it through.

But most importantly, I like the new me. I like who I am becoming. I like what I look forward to in my future. There is still questioning and doubt, of course, because none of us can know what will happen in the future. But it's no longer a thing I dread or worry about.

What will be will be. And I am not stupid enough to think I have much say in it. Of course, I will do what I can to further myself along on this path, but ultimately, it lands in the hands of the unknown, and I am, again, very happy and willing to embrace the idea that I am being cared for and watched by Them. And have been blessed enough to know that I have choices, even though my path has already been made. I will continue to make choices that not only nurture myself, but those around me. I will continue to heal and take comfort in the fact that I am not alone.....on this plane or others.

AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's going to be a Bears/Colts SuperBowl!!!!!!!


I can NOT be happier!!!!

School starts tomorrow, and while I'm usually excited for it, I am more excited for random things in my life.

Yes, I will be graduating, which is something I didn't think I would be doing. And having made the choice to wait it out and apply to the grad program I really want, I am a bit nervous about finding a job in the meantime. I'm sure it won't be hard, and if all else fails, I will get some office job until time for school again. It wouldn't be that bad, knowing it was temporary. But there is always a sense of nervousness when I know I am going to have to get out there and find a job. Especially when I am now going to be looking for a specific job within a specific field. But if I am to have it, I will have it. It's my job to put energy into it, it's the job of the Universe to make sure it happens.

I have had a wonderful renewal of my spirituality as of late. Thanks to Laura, who got me "The Mists of Avalon" for Christmas, I am reading about all the mysterious things that I used to live daily.

The moment when it hit me the most, that I lost my spirituality, was a night coming home on the bus. There was a full moon, and a perfectly clear sky. The moon's reflection on the lake was huge and beautiful. I was staring at the moon, and this thought crossed my mind: It's just a planet type thing circling the earth, nothing more. It lost all of it's mystical properties to me, and it just became something pretty to look at on my way home.

That moment really saddened me. I felt I had lost all connection to nature and things unexplained. All that I had relied on to get me through tough times was gone. I realized I had been relying on myself so much that I ignored my need for spiritual fulfillment. I thought, for one brief and completely erroneous moment, that I had gotten through the last few months on my own strength and support from those around me physically.

In reading "The Mists of Avalon", I have had a doorway opened for me that will allow me back into the fold of what I believe. It is an awesome re-entrance into a world which gave me comfort and support. It is the knowledge that all things are connected, that there is a reason for all actions, and there is support that comes from places we can never know of, only believe in.

This is really weird.

So today I am sifting through MySpace and decided to look at NM's page. I saw that the Sissy Butch Brothers were friends of NM, so I went to their site. I was a big fan of the SBB a few years back, and had the largest crush EVER on Gwen, one of the brothers.

I looked at some of their pictures and recognized a few people. And I saw that Gwen and hir lady are still together and have moved to Massachusetts.

For whatever reason, knowing that they moved, seeing pictures of people I once knew or knew of, and looking at where I am in my life right now, I got really sad for a moment.

You can't go back.

I know that.

I've always known that.

But there was something about seeing the life I used to live in pictures and knowing that there was no way I was in them, even in the background, that made me realize I have pretty much shed that part of me completely. I still hold on to it, because it is who I am, but I am so far from living it anymore. I thought that was my life.

And the sad thing? I wouldn't even know how to begin to get back into it. Have I changed too much for it? I can't imagine that I have, but I feel like I have. And even sadder still.....do I want to get back to it?

I am beyond the point of finding someone at a bar. I don't have the desire for that anymore. And I really don't have the desire to be with anyone at all right now. So I'm not. And that's good. But when that time comes, which side will I be on? I have loved both for about the same amount of time. But I feel it would be harder to get back to the way I was.

You can't go back.

I have no desire to go back, I guess. I want to continue to move forward.

But that part of me is hidden in random pictures and memories now. That part that I thought I would always have at the surface.

Things change, I know this. They change in unbelievable ways. Is it possible to change back while keeping what I've learned? Is that something I want to do?

Of course, this is all fun to think about now, when I have no desire to be in a relationship with anyone. But when that time comes, and I am healed and ready, it will be an interesting decision that is made.

Oh, who the hell am I kidding? I've never really made the decisions when it comes to that. I've found those that make me smile and been with them, regardless of what parts they have. There has never been a deliberate choice. It was easier when I was surrounded and living in the culture, the community. When I would walk into the Girlbar with Chris and people would say our names, welcoming us because they hadn't seen us for a few days.

Maybe that's how all decisions are made. It's who you surround yourself with. I decide who I surround myself with, and that, in turn, gives me those opportunities for finding romance and such.

I hereby table this discussion until I am actually ready to take the plunge into someone else. And when that time comes, I'm sure my direction will be made clear to me. I am on a path, after all, and that path will lead me to where I need to be. I have confidence in that.

This is the poem mamaw used to say to me when I was little. It's a good memory of her, and it reminds me of being really small....small enough to still fit in my Pappy's lap and threaten to tickle his feet.

The Little Orphan Annie

by

James Whitcomb Riley

Little Orphan Annie's come to my house to stay.
To wash the cups and saucers up and brush the crumbs away.
To shoo the chickens from the porch and dust the hearth and sweep,
and make the fire and bake the bread to earn her board and keep.
While all us other children, when the supper things is done,
we sit around the kitchen fire and has the mostest fun,
a listening to the witch tales that Annie tells about
and the goblins will get ya if ya don't watch out!

Once there was a little boy who wouldn't say his prayers,
and when he went to bed at night away up stairs,
his mammy heard him holler and his daddy heard him bawl,
and when they turned the covers down,
he wasn't there at all!
They searched him in the attic room
and cubby hole and press
and even up the chimney flu and every wheres, I guess,
but all they ever found of him was just his pants and round-abouts
and the goblins will get ya if ya don't watch out!!

Once there was a little girl who always laughed and grinned
and made fun of everyone, of all her blood and kin,
and once when there was company and old folks was there,
she mocked them and she shocked them and said, she didn't care.
And just as she turned on her heels and to go and run and hide,
there was two great big black things a standing by her side.
They snatched her through the ceiling fore she knew what shes about,
and the goblins will get ya if ya don't watch out!!

When the night is dark and scary,
and the moon is full and creatures are a flying and the wind goes Whoooooooooo,
you better mind your parents and your teachers fond and dear,
and cherish them that loves ya, and dry the orphans tears
and help the poor and needy ones that cluster all about,
or the goblins will get ya if ya don't watch out!!!

The last five days were just what I needed. Complete relaxation. Quality time with Amy, Max and Olivia. The warm weather of Austin. The ice storm that hit, completely making the warm weather of Austin null and void.

There will be pictures to show how my five day weekend was. They are action packed and full of all the exciting adventures we went on while iced in.

It was awesome. I loved it.

And I realized something.....at the airport security stand.....attempting to get cleared to board an airplane is very similar to movie scenes were someone wakes up, realizes they were really drunk and made the mistake of sleeping with someone they didn't want to. There is a mad rush to put on your shoes, your belt, gather your belongings and get the hell out of the way before someone notices you.

Yes. Airport security makes me feel like a slut.

And it's funny to be standing next to people who are grandparents and watch them feel like sluts.

I also realized something on the way home. This is my home. There is no doubt about it. I've lived here for almost a decade, and I still get so excited when I see the skyline. That means I'm home. A home full of past loves, current loves, and future loves, in whatever form they may take. While it's nice to get away and be somewhere where no one knows you, it's also very rewarding to come back to a place where many know you. Where people know all the good and the bad.

I love the experience of traveling, but coming home reminds me I have lived. Seeing sights, being around family, experiencing new things....those are all wonderful and help to make me feel whole. But coming home from those experiences always reminds me of who I am, what I have and where I'm heading. It's like falling in love with this city all over again.

So yes....these last five days have been wonderful. I have needed this much more than I realized. Both seeing the part of my family I don't see much and falling in love with my city all over again. It was the perfect ending to a perfect long weekend.

Things are shifting.

I can't really be more specific than that. But things are shifting within me, and the subsequent changes are very good.

I am finally able to say what I need. Finally able to stop things that don't feel right. Finally able to separate the different parts of me and fulfill the needs of each of those parts.

I know I've said the word "whirlwind" several times during this whole adventure....but it's a good word. It encompasses what I'm feeling. Or what I'm not feeling.

I think the thing that gets me now more than anything else are the times when I realize I hadn't thought about him or what has been happening for the last four months. Those moments when I realize I had gone a long period of time without focusing on it, fixating on it, wondering about it. I notice those moments when I'm not thinking about it, because for so long, it was the only thing on my mind. It was always there. Either in the forefront, the periphery or just a general feeling.

I remember the first time I realized I was thinking about Hillarie because I wasn't thinking about her. I stopped and said out loud, "The only way that I'm thinking about Hillarie is noticing that I'm not thinking about her." It was a moment when I knew it would be okay.

I am far from over things with Steve. There was too much there to dismiss. There was too much there in all ways to pretend I don't think about it. I would be doing myself an injustice if I were to ignore those things I feel. Because love was there. It was strong. And, regardless of how it ended, I will not disrespect the relationship that was good by ignoring I feel anything about it.

I am starting to remember times that were good again. It was early on, before things started feeling weird and I started doubting him. And those questions that I had back then have pretty much been answered for me now.

But none of that negates the good times. Because there were good times.

And I'm glad I'm starting to see them again. It means I am mourning for the whole relationship, not just the ending of it. And I can look at those moments in time and smile. Sometimes laugh. And take them for what they were.....a moment in time when things felt right with someone I loved.

It surprises me that remembering the good times doesn't make me sad. In fact, it does the opposite. It makes me so glad to know that we had those good times. It makes it seem more real. I can't explain it any more than that.

When you are young, there are certain events or words or phrases that signal a response of, "never me".

When I was young, I thought 30 was old. The only people I knew that were 30 (or almost there) were my parents and their friends, or my friends' parents. And of course, when you are young, your parents are old. It doesn't matter what age they actually are.....all parents are old to their children.

When I was young, I thought that being divorced was a signal of the end of a good life. It meant that things didn't work and, in my youthful innocence, that you were done with the prospect of finding someone to be with.

For the last couple of years, when someone asks me my age, I tell them I'm almost 30. I don't really bother with exact age, unless it's needed for a job or some other application in which exact numbers were needed. I just rounded up.

I think the reason children think 30 is so old, and those of us in our 30's or about to be there don't consider it old, is because we don't feel old. I don't feel like I thought I would feel at 30.

The same thing applies to being divorced. I don't really feel like the word carries the weight it did for me in my youth because I don't feel much has changed. The only difference between a divorce and a breakup is, with most breakups, there isn't legal documentation. A divorce is simply a relationship that didn't work out, and the failings of that relationship are documented in city hall.

So, by that rationale, is divorce the new 30's?

Is it something that means one thing until you actually experience it?

I guess everything carries a different feel to it until you experience it. Sex. Love. Death. Marriage. Moving into your own apartment. Paying bills. All of these things mean one thing until you are actually knee deep in them. They are glorified because we have no real life experience to compare them to. Do we actually think the butterflies we feel in our bellies at age 10, when holding hands with someone on the bus, will exist past a certain point in our lives? Of course we do. We do because we have no evidence of the contrary.

Just like marriage. Until we actually do it, there is no real way to experience what it means. Things do change after vows are taken. Things shift, and promises made take on much more weight. At least, they did for me.

And the feeling that life was over after the dreaded divorce word? That failed to carry the same weight as it did in my pre-adolescent brain. Instead of really feeling like a divorced woman, I feel like myself with another break up under my belt. And some attorney fees. But it is an experience unlike any other. I knew the marriage was over. Steve had a pretty good idea. But it wasn't something that we could do on our own. A judge had to make it official. Papers had to be drawn. Someone actually sat behind a desk and told me my marriage was over. Even though I knew it. It was a very strange validation.

I never thought love would be something I would need some stranger to either confirm or deny for me. That I would need some man in a black robe to tell me I wasn't with Steve any more. That I wasn't married anymore.

But, like everything else in life, things happen. Things change.

I no longer feel "tainted" because of the title "divorcee". As of a few hours ago, anyway. It was the knowledge of the difference in the way I feel regarding 30 that did it.

"Thirty" isn't a bad word any more.

And neither is "divorce".

Today, I have clarity.

Some news was brought to my attention regarding karma and the ever loving circles it makes around those deserving it.

And in hearing of this news, everything else became clear for the first time.

I can see through all the emotion and look at things as they really are.....and I have to say, I'm very happy to have come out ahead in this.

Because I have.

In time, this entire thing will be closed. And all will be well again.

Well, all will be as it should be. For me it will be what I deserve. For others, it will be what they deserve. And I'm so glad what is deserved is different for each of us.

First off, a correction: It wasn't Robert that had anything to do with "Legends of the Fall". That was "A River Runs Through It". Confusion. And my sincerest apologies!

The more I think about the trip, the more giddy I feel in the bottom of my stomach. I can't wait. It just seems like the perfect thing for me. And, let's not forget that it will look good on a resume as well.

And as mom brought up tonight, think about the stories I will hear from elderly members of the Blackfeet tribe. Mamaw said that her grandfather came from Blackfeet, and Grandma Turpin was Cherokee. So even though I am very much so removed from that bloodline, it will still give me the chance to hear stories about the lives of those living on the reservation. It's very fascinating to me. During the readings we had in my social inequality class, the talks about Native Americans and how our government destroyed their way of life (and lives in most cases) was always the most fascinating to me. Of course, general isms are fascinating, but there was something about the Native American stories that got to me in a bit of a different way. Who knows.

I'm just thinking about all I'm going to be doing this year. So far, it's looking like a pretty busy year. Travel will be included quite a bit. Austin. Las Vegas. Montana. South Dakota. And I would love to get back overseas, but that may have to wait until next late winter/early spring. I would love to go with mom to Stonehenge. Imagine the two of us let loose on Great Brittan!

Here's the way I look at this: I know everything happens for a reason. And obviously being in a relationship didn't stop me from Venezuela. But I have to wonder if I would be as willing to go to as many places if I had someone here. I don't think I would. And it's so wonderful to be going and not having questions about what my significant other was doing to fill their time while I was gone. That is a thing of the past.

So now, I'm just so damn content to think about all the travels that I'm going to be on this year. Both physically and emotionally. Graduating in May. Finding a job within my field. Getting prepared for my PhD. These are all wonderful things.

I'm cycling through to the high end of the spectrum again. I'm feeling really good about myself, the direction I'm taking, the way things are turning out.

Maybe it's the freshness from the start of a new year. Maybe it's the fact that, so far, nothing this year has happened that has really set me back. Therapy was rough on Wednesday, but it's going to be rough every once in awhile. It was nothing I couldn't bounce back from.

In fact, there is nothing that I can't bounce back from. And that is a really great feeling. That was my greatest gift from last year and all that happened. The gift of realizing my own strength and self worth.

Regardless of what may be said about the situation, I know the truth of it all. I know the conversations had. I know the intentions behind actions. I know, because I was there, existing in it every minute. And when it wasn't physically there, it was there in my head.

I can put 2006 to bed with a clear conscious. And, the more hours that tick by in 2007, the more confident I am that, indeed, I have come out of this past year a much stronger and wiser woman. That the choices that were made, and are continuing to be made, have put me in the place where I need to be.

When it seems dark, I can hold on to that thought and it carries me through.

Happy fun times!

I just got word, via Kerrigan, that I am going to be able to check something off my list of things to do before I die.

In May, I am going to be spending a week in Browning, Montana, volunteering with the Blackfeet Reservation. Building infrastructure, serving food, spending time at an elderly center, taking care of children, etc. Whatever they decide I would be best at.

The evenings and weekends are free times for the volunteers. Possible activities include attending Pow-Wows, shopping, swimming in a river or creek, and HORSEBACK RIDING! HORSEBACK RIDING ON AN INDIAN RESERVATION. HORSEBACK RIDING ON AN INDIAN RESERVATION IN MONTANA!!!!!!!!!!!!

MONTANA!!!!!

So, basically....in case anyone missed it, I will be volunteering (which always feels wonderful) in Montana. And riding horses. In Montana.

This information could not have come at a better time. Nothing heals the temporary blahs like hearing about horseback riding. In Montana. On a horse. In Montana.

I blame Robert Redford for my obsession with Montana. Damn him and that beautiful background scenery in "Legends of the Fall." And of course, I say "damn him" lightly....I still want mom to love me!

It's amazing.....the things that used to hurt me, now make me laugh.

And even if I don't laugh out loud, they make me smile in their ridiculousness.

I think I smile (or laugh) because I know a truth that makes this all okay.

That truth is what I hold on to.

And makes me very excited for the near future.

It's done

I know Big's name.

At the end of the day

"At the end of the day." It's a phrase used to signify the ending of a roughly 16 hour period in which we are awake and about to surrender to sleep.

It also means something much more final. Something much more concrete than just going to sleep. It also means "in the end", which is far more finalizing sounding than "at the end of the day". But they both mean the same things.

Example: At the end of the day, I shut off the lights and lay down in my bed. I write in my journal. I make sure the cat has food and water. I extinguish all candles. I lock the doors. These all happen at the end of the day.

Another example: At the end of the day, I am alone.

But something very important that I realized in this thought while taking a bath..... At the end of the day, yes, I am alone. But, in the same vein, I am guaranteed that no one is cheating on me. No one is hurting me. No one is lying to me. Because I am alone. And I chose to never lie, cheat or hurt myself again.

It's okay to go to bed alone. And wake up alone. I have chosen those things. I have made the decision to have this be my life.

We all have to live with those choices that we make.

And, at the end of the day, I'm pretty damn happy with mine.

So I realized I ended this year in such a different place than I started it. Looking back, the differences are amazing.

This weekend......

Friday started off what seemed to be the eternal weekend. The confession, the self-realizations, the little black dress...all crammed into what seemed to be the weekend with no real hours, only moments.

And those moments were wonderful. They were affirming. They were more ways in which to change.

I can't wait to see the pictures.

I can't wait to test these new feelings of being in this upcoming year. For the first time in a long time, I am truly excited. I truly feel like a whole person again. And I owe a large part of that to so many people, for so many reasons. I hope each person realizes the ways in which they have helped me to become complete and heal from this past year.

This past year. That is a wonderful phrase. All of these things happened last year. That was a year I am glad to have under my belt. I will take my gains and use them, accept my losses and mourn them, and realize my full potential and go for it. In everything I do. This is a year in which I can't be stopped from reaching my full potential in all things.

And, since it's been about a two hour break from the marathon, I feel it's time to get back to some more Sex and the City.......