The best news of the month (and possibly year so far)

I received this letter in the mail today from the Department of Sociology at Roosevelt:

"Dear me (insert my name here),

I am writing to inform you that you have qualified for membership in Alpha Kappa Delta, the International Sociology Honor Society. Congratulations. You should feel proud of your academic accomplishments to this point. Your work at Roosevelt University has earned you the right to be a member of this prestigious honor society.

As Roosevelt's AKD Chapter representative, I strongly encourage you to join AKD as a formal recognition of your accomplishments (website info here). We will hold our initiation ceremony in early April.

(info about cost). This fee includes a one-year subscription to Sociological Inquiry, the official journal of AKD, a Certificate of Induction, and an honor cord to be worn at graduation.

(more technical stuff)

Again, congratulations on qualifying for membership in AKD"

How Tory Was Bad Today

So instead of doing homework, cleaning or taking a nap, I decided to waste my entire day sitting in front of the television.

First it was "Rome".

Then it was the pre-Oscars Red Carpet shit.

And then the Oscars. I wasn't going to watch, but the allure of Leo was too strong.

So here is my humble take on the Oscars this year......

Ellen as the host. There was no better choice. If she and John Stewart could have tag-teamed that, it would have been Heaven. But as it was, it was pretty damn awesome.

Leonardo DiCaprio and Al Gore announcing that the Oscars had gone all green....orgasm.

What the hell is "The Lives of Others" and how the hell could it have beaten "Pan's Labyrinth"?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! (It was for foreign film, and the guy accepting it didn't even have an accent! I call rubbish!!!)

Ryan Seacrest proved his douche-ness tonight when interviewing Jennifer Hudson. The first thing out of his mouth was a comment on her weight. And that was the main focus for the first few minutes of her interview. Nothing was mentioned of weight to all the anorexic women out there, all duct taped and superglued into their Vera Wang dresses. What a douche.

It was very nice to see a woman (Jennifer Hudson) singing and being sexy when she has boobs, arms, a belly and hips. It was very nice to finally see someone real up there being sexy. And not the loophole of pregnant-fat-sexy either.

Melissa Etheridge.......holy shit. This was awesome. When her name was called for winning, she leaned over and kissed her wife. On national television. AND she said, "wife" during her speech. This moment was not only a very pure moment of happiness for winning an award, but a moment that can have a bit of a lasting effect on our society. I remember being allowed to stay up late and watch the Oscars every year....if I were a young girl, staying up late to watch, and saw that, think of how much more open minded I would have been at a much younger age.

I remembered that Darren McGavin, Peter Boyle and Jack Palance had all died this year, and it was that moment of sadness where you feel like you will miss people you never even knew.

Okay....Phillip Seymour Hoffman = Drugs + Drinking.

Helen Mirren is just beautiful. I haven't seen "The Queen", but from all I've heard about it, she deserved it and everyone knew it was going to be her. Of course, I'm always sad when Kate Winslet doesn't win, but that's a personal love for her and not so much because I've seen the movie she was nominated for (I haven't seen "Little Children")

Forest Whitaker....my first reaction was AAAARRRRRGGGGGG.
But then he completely won me over in his acceptance speech. Of course I was rooting for Leo. See, we're on a first name basis now. Anyway, I've always liked Forest Whitaker, but he was up against my man. And, if Leonardo didn't get it, I wanted Peter O'Toole to get it. I mean, come on....how many more Oscars do you think that man will be around for?

Martin Scorsese....about damn time. And he is a wee little man. And Eugene Levy in 20 years.

THE DEPARTED!!!!!

That is all.
I'm going to drag my ass to bed now. I'm glad I wasted this entire day watching consumerism at its best. Like when the first question out of an interviewer's mouth isn't "How are you?" but "Who are you wearing" (unless it's asked to Jennifer Hudson, in which case it's "Hey, you aren't as much of a fatass anymore, are you? Let's talk about your weight this entire time! Because I'm obsessed with weight! As is our entire culture!!!" Douche).

A quick recovery

And back in the good favor of my biology professor.

I told a soc professor about my mixing sociology and biology, at which point she screamed, "GOOD! That's how you learn! Keep doing it!" Another professor added, "This is a social justice school....it should apply to every class, not just sociology classes." I understood what they meant, but I didn't think I'd really do it.....

Until today, my friends.

We were going over the basics of what science is. You know, process, experimental design, all of that. One of the things we learned is how a fact is nothing more than something that the majority of people agree on. There are no real absolute truths, or at least not in what we were discussing. There were some other points made about how the time in history helps to alter science, blah blah blah. Basically, science is, for the most part, socially constructed. Because humans, who are socially constructed beings, created science and come up with different ways to use it.

So, I raised my hand and said, "It is socially constructed."

A few moments passed, after the professor wrote my answer on the board (and agreed with me, by the way...that is important), and some other people came up with some more ideas.

THEN--this kid in the front row raised his hand and said that he would like to contest the idea that science is socially constructed.

If I said I didn't have a twitch in my bathing suit area at the thought of debating that, I would be lying. So I sat there, holding back a smile, and listened to this kid tell me why.

I understood his points. They were valid. What he wasn't getting were my points. So I raised my hand when he was done.

The debate lasted for quite a few minutes. The first five minutes or so was just me and this kid going around in circles. He just wasn't getting what I was saying. Then, other people in the class started chiming in. I had a very quick memory of a few weeks ago, when I was misunderstood by my classmates, and was prepared to be misunderstood again.

But they all were defending me. And trying to rephrase what I was saying so this kid would get it. And he never did.

Finally the professor was asked his opinion. He started off being very diplomatic, and at the end stated all the reasons why science was socially constructed.

Point Tory.

I am so glad that my last semester here isn't filled with classes I dread anymore. I feel this redeemed me in a weird sort of way....like I'm not just the crazy lady who sits in the back of the classroom and spews out shit that doesn't apply to what's going on. It just felt really good to be understood.

Catholic by association

So I am friends with quite a few Catholics. And I'm Pagan, which is pretty much the same thing.

So I decided that I would be Catholic for Lent this year.

No, I didn't do any of the religious stuff. That's not what I mean by this.

I am giving up something for 40 days. I've already given up the cigarettes. Booze is never something that I feel the need to give up, because it's rarely there anyway.

This year, I am giving up any food type product that can be found in a vending machine.

I'm talking Pop Tarts, Twinkies, chips, all of that. This is basically a way for me to stop going to the vending machine between classes for lunch. It's just not healthy.

Now--because this doesn't hold a strong religious meaning for me, I have found that I have created a loophole for myself. Today is also the first day I saw Mini Eggs being sold. If you know me at all, you know that Mini Eggs are my all-time favorite food on the planet. And they only come around once a year. For me to give up on Mini Eggs, just as they were being made available, would be going against everything I believe in.

Now, the loophole? Since Mini Eggs are a once a year event, they wouldn't be found in vending machines. If anyone tells me any differently, I will deny it to the ends of the earth and probably stop talking to you for awhile. This is serious. Don't mess around with me and my Mini Eggs.

So there you have it. For the next 40 days, I will be sweating it out with the Catholics of the world.

So today was just a damn good day.

At first, it started off shitty. I woke up at five but went to bed close to one. I couldn't get back to sleep until seven, and had to be up at nine. That wasn't cool. But I had a wonderful meeting with Heather regarding next year, and that was good.

Then Biology. It was what it was.

Found out in Biology that I have a paper due in my Thursday class. A big paper. Panic.

I came home and churned out a long-ass paper in a few hours. As is my wont. As I was finishing the paper, I got a text from Laura asking if I wanted to go out for a Mardi Gras drink. I told her it would depend on how the paper came along.

By nine, I was done with the paper and ready to get the hell away from the computer. We walked to The Spot, where we saw our friends who were working. Laura made friends with two guys, and ended up playing Golden Tee with one of them. The other one and I were talking for a long time about politics and social justice. It was awesome. Tonight was part of a pub crawl, and we declined the invitation to move to the next bar.

As we were leaving, Nate and his friend Courtney and Ryan walked with us to the next bar on the pub crawl list, since it was on our way. As we were about to continue walking, Brian came out and demanded that we sit with him for a beer. We did.

We laughed our asses off all night. I had good conversation with a cute guy about shit that's right up my alley. I got my paper done after a few hours of torture (I missed last week because of being sick, so I had no idea what the second question on the exam was about...) and just generally had a great time.

Now it's close to two and I'm about ready for bed. But today was a very good day.

Real Simple Quotes

I signed up to get daily quotes sent to me from Real Simple. Some are funny. Some are serious. Blah blah.

The one I got today, I absolutely love.

"We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them"
--Kahlil Gibran

Chad

This blog post is all about Chad.

How I'm healing from Chad.

How I'm dealing with Chad.

How Chad makes me feel.

How there is nothing else in the world but Chad. And I need to blog about it.

Chad.

ChadChadChadChadChadChad.

Chadwise Gamgee.

The dad to us all.

The ass of the night last night.

Chadly.

Now that I think about it, maybe I shouldn't use names...you know, to protect the innocent and such.

Someone. Someone who almost got his ass kicked by me last night.

Chad.

Shit.

Someone.











;)

The Fundraiser

So last night was the fundraiser for New Millennium. It was amazing!

It was so much fun and I can't even describe it. Becky and I were bartending for the first hour and a half, which I ended up having so much damn fun with. Then we had the performance. It was funny, it was sad, it was beautiful, it was crazy.....it was a lot of hard work that paid off in copious amounts.

People were surprised that we could do something like what we did. It was very well organized and there weren't parodies of anything, really!

And, I believe I was flirted with. By three different people.

It was just a fun night filled with amazing people, wonderful friends, and an audience that really wanted to see us succeed. YAY!

OH---And Duran Duran just started playing in the background! tee hee!!!!

This is what I don't understand....

I know that many corporations are outsourced. This is not a surprise by any means. And I understand, to a certain degree, having people take on "American" names when they are obviously not speaking English as a first language. I guess it's easier for Americans to remember names like Samantha rather than a foreign name. Ethnocentrism not withstanding.

NOW---This is what I don't understand at all.

Having those who are foreign born, and who have been "given" American names like Samantha or Andrew, speak in a southern accent.

I am not kidding.

I just received my 516th phone call from Academic Funding Foundation. Everyone I have spoken to has had a very thick accent, mostly sounding Indian. Which is fine. I have absolutely nothing against speaking to someone with an accent. I live in Chicago for shit's sake (My issues with outsourcing and what it does to foreign economies and our own are another matter for another day). However, this man not only had a very thick Indian accent, but attempted to produce a southern accent with it. At times it was a mixture of Indian, Georgia, New Zealand, and Cockney. I had to ask him to repeat almost everything he said.

I don't know if this is something that the person wanted to do for fun, or if this is something the company thought would be good for business. Make the stupid Americans think they are talking to another stupid American. It's insulting to me. It's even more insulting to the person who is being forced to put on the phony accent.

There are many reasons for this occurring, I'm sure. And right now, in my head, there are a few ideas running around. But the bottom line? We know you are outsourcing the fucking company. We know that you are avoiding paying Americans a living wage. We know that you are exploiting workers from other countries. Yet we still buy your computers and sign up for your special offers. We make it okay, even though it's not. On so many levels.

The benefit is in five days.

I have five days to get healthy. Or at least have my nose stop alternating between being stuffy and being runny.

Urg.

I have to state, at the very beginning of this post, that I am drunk. And, being drunk, it is virtually impossible for me to lie. I'm not good at lying when sober, and even worse when drunk. With that in mind.....

This is the absolute happiest I have ever been. In my entire life.

I am so fucking happy. About everything. About things I have learned. About things I continue to learn. About things I have changed.

I am just a woman who is nothing but happy. In every aspect.

I have gone through some shit. I have lived through some shit. But we all have. This is nothing new. I am not the only woman to go through a divorce. I am not the only woman to have her heart broken. These are not new things. These are things done in every day life by millions of people. Every day. There is nothing special about my story. There is nothing special about any of it.

Except that it happened to me. That is what is special about it, at least in my mind. That is what makes it special to me.

And as I come home, fresh from sharing a cab with Laura, fresh from spending the evening with those I love and would do anything for, I come home alone.

And I have never been happier about that in my entire life.

I am so fucking happy. With everything.

I love my life. For the first time ever, I truly love everything that I have.

I love my family. They have stood by me through so many things. So many things. They have supported me through my mistakes, through my learning experiences. They have been there through it all. And I love them so much. There are no words. There is no way to describe how my heart feels when I talk to my parents, Mamaw, Amy, Olivia, Max. There are no words to describe how pure and true my love is for them.

There are no words to describe my love for my family in Chicago. Those amazing people who have been there for good times and bad. Who have held my hand and reassured me that I am okay.

And there are no words to describe how much I love my life. I am so happy with how things have turned out. I am, for the first time, able to see who I truly am, and I love that person.

I have forgiven others for their mistreatment of me. And I have forgiven myself for those times when I acted against my gut instincts.

I came home tonight to an apartment that is just as I left it. I came home to a cat who is very happy to see me. I came home to a home. Something I have created and live in.

And now, I will send my drunk ass to bed. And I have no regrets. I have no sorrow. I am just a woman, living alone in Chicago, who is doing the best she can.

Doing the best she can for herself. And that is the greatest gift of all.

Note to self....

When the professor asks what you think of a movie, and you are in Biology class, he does not want to hear the following phrases coming out of your mouth.....

"White men of power"
"Corporate Interests"
"CEO's"
"Big oil"

Now he just thinks I am a crazy, animal loving, pessimistic, anti-stopping-global-warming kinda gal.

And the thing that sucks?!

I didn't say I didn't WANT global warming to stop. I just said that, because of some of the quotes above, I didn't think it would happen any time soon. But I think that's how I came off.

Maybe I'll get extra credit in a soc class for trying to tie biology to sociology.

Or maybe Roosevelt with drop it's stupid fucking rule that you have to take classes in every department before graduating. Maybe I have started a social movement.......

Or maybe I've just pissed of my biology teacher......

Sigh.

I am reaching a very weird and interesting point in my life right now. I feel that in certain ways, I am regressing to the old Tory, the much younger Tory. At the same time, the things I'm doing again that remind me of that young Tory are taking on a much deeper meaning.

It's almost like progressively regressing.

It makes no sense.

An example: This haircut. It reminds me of when I was in my early twenties. While I would never wish to go back to that time, there was something about it that had a spark of something I feel I'm getting back. Not so much innocence, because that is gone from me, but something else. It reminds me of a time when I lived for myself. But even back then, my living for myself was laced with living like I thought I should to attract someone. That part of it is gone. It is the pure living for myself, with no fear or concern of attracting anyone.

I wonder if this is what maturity is. If maturity is the ability to do the things you once did, yet look at life through a completely different lens. My body is still changing. It is still slimming down in areas that haven't looked this way since high school. And while I'm not quite wearing my high school size, I'm noticing shifts in how my body is looking. Drastic shifts from five months ago. And this haircut reminds me of being much younger. Looking at me, I am falling back to the way I used to look in my youth.

But on the inside....that is where things are totally different. I no longer look at life with innocence or naiveté. I am seeing things and people for what they are, beyond the exterior they present to the world. My appearance is that of a time when it was so easy to use me and take advantage of me. My insides are hardened to reality. Yet I lost my bitterness. It is knowledge of how things are, and an acceptance of those things.

It's a very interesting dichotomy. It's like the young me and the new me are meeting in a new realm. One where I am in control. One where I am stronger and wiser than I ever could have imagined.

I really like what's happening in my life. I am enjoying all of these changes. I am very excited to see where they take me. I know I am far from done changing. The day we stop is the day we die. But things that once weighed me down have lifted. I reached the final, and very painful, stage in grieving. That is a thing of the past. I am over Steve and the relationship. And it was a very amazing moment. It was the moment when I realized it was over. It's like a small bomb went off inside my head and I knew, in every part of me, that I was done grieving. I was ready to move on.

I'm still not ready to be in a relationship. That just isn't a desire I have right now. I am very much so enjoying my time alone, focusing on me and where I want to be, what I want to do. It is very liberating. I am focusing on myself, truly, for the first time ever. It's not tainted by loneliness or wishing to have something I don't have. This is a first. It is pure, unadulterated love and joy at the place I am in at this moment. I feel like I have been driving for years and finally cleaned the windshield. Things are much clearer. Things are much more stable. Things are more real.

I am done healing. That is such an amazing feeling. I am done processing. I am done grieving. I am done thinking obsessively about things. And it is a freedom I didn't even realize was possible. It was something I never thought I would be able to attain.

I have truly risen from the ashes. I looked at the situation I was in, events that led me to that place, faced my fears and my past patterns, fought within myself, and won. The moment I realized I won was the moment I realized that I wasn't just fighting external forces. I was fighting a battle within myself that long needed to be fought. I didn't just end my marriage: I ended who I was. I started over. I rose from what was me and became who I am now.

And I will continue to become who I need to be. I guess I am in the process of becoming.

I haven't posted in awhile, and I guess because anything I've had to say has been said.

I have a sort of peace about everything now. And a new haircut. It looks so awesome! It is SHORT! And it feels like me. I think I look more like a grown up now. It's weird.

I'm also excited. There is a friend I had years ago, and because of something stupid, we stopped talking. I didn't think it was stupid at the time. I was hurt. But in retrospect, having grown up quite a bit in the time between, it wasn't something that should have ended the friendship. And she has made it clear that she wants to hang out again. I'm very excited about this prospect. It's like an old part of my old life coming back, and a part that I had missed but didn't realize. So that's exciting!

Just trying to get through school and get the fundraiser up and running. That is basically my life. And it's so wonderful. Busy, but wonderful. No worries of anything, really. It's a nice sort of calm that's taken over me. And I have the feeling it will stay for a long time.

That's really all. Kinda pointless, but nevertheless, I felt the need to write.