Patience.

That is the key word.

Patience.

That is something that I must find within myself.

It's okay to want to have things done and dealt with. It's okay to want them done yesterday. But it's not okay to punish myself because I am not quite out of the woods yet.

I know the damage done was much deeper than I even thought at first. My entire lack of trust is really weighing on me. Knowing that I so badly wanted to believe it could work out, and knowing it didn't, also weighs on me.

I know that, when that time comes and I am healed, my life will be filled with such amazing things. And knowing it is right around the corner is good. But that part of me that just wants to move on is battling with the part of me that wants to sit with this and really be done with it.

I know there is no ultimate right way to do things. Each one of us has a different way of dealing. But for me, the healthy way is the right way. I'm still not exactly sure what the healthy way is, but I have the feeling I'm doing it.

There are still moments of sadness. Still moments when I cry. But it's not crying for what I lost. It's crying for something else. Anger, maybe? Sadness in general?

Pat said something wonderful tonight about all of this. We were talking about this situation, and I told her that it was done. I meant that the initial confrontation is done, and he is out of my life physically. She said, "It's never done. You lost something. You also gained something. What you lost, you will never get back. But what you gained will be there."

We do lose something with each person that leaves our lives, for whatever reason. There is no getting it back. Ever. And instead of substituting one lost thing for something else, the key is to realize the loss, accept that it will never be there again, and focus on what there is to gain.

I know what I lost. I lost that ability to, despite my better judgment, "come to you, defenses down....with the trust of a child". I lost that. I was so excited and happy when I thought I regained it....that simple trust that defied all past betrayals. I lost my trust.

But what I gained is the acceptance that life isn't like that. There is no real reason to trust with defenses down. There is always a reason to keep your eyes open. And listen to that inner voice that can, for the sake of "love", be silenced.

But most importantly, what I've gained is the knowledge that, if it really is "love", there is no reason to silence that inner voice. That inner voice would be in agreement with the head and heart. All systems functioning on the same page.

I loved Steve. There is no doubt in my heart that I loved him. On that day in April I meant every word I said. On that day in April, I gave my heart completely.

But that love wasn't the type of love I needed. It was hopeful love. Hope that my love would help certain situations. Hope that my love would be strong enough to let him see that he could face his demons with me and it would be safe. Hope that it would all work out because there was love there.

That isn't the love I need.

The love I need is an equal love. A simple knowledge that my love will help situations, and I can count on that same love in return. Life isn't easy, but we are taught that love needs to have all sorts of trials and tribulations to be real. If there isn't drama with it, it's not real.

There is a difference between every day, life bullshit, drama. That is going to happen. As long as I am breathing there will be some obstacle to overcome. And I have accepted that years ago. But some things have no place in love. And I have gained the knowledge as to what those things are.

But most importantly, I have gained the knowledge as to exactly what I won't ever, EVER, stand for again.

And, despite all I have lost, gaining that understanding has made this all worth it. All the tears. All the self-doubt. All the rage. All the anger. All the lack of trust.

All of that is a small price to pay for finding out, for the first and final time, what I am worth.

1 pot of coffee + 1 window open * not wanting to sit around all day = one clean, immaculately organized closet.

Bless you, Ani, and the good work you do.....

Manhole
Ani DiFranco

I'm holding here a book
Notable, but not the greatest
Stolen for me by the latest
In a long line of thieves
And I'm just about to drop it
Down that manhole of memories
When I realize it doesn't bother me
Like love's mementos usually do
And I look up to see who's different here
The latest me or the latest you

Course, you're the kind of guy who doesn't lie
He just doctors everything
Chooses some unassuming finger
And quietly moves his wedding ring
Who rewrites his autobiography
For any pretty girl who'll sing
But you can't fool the queen, baby,
Cuz I married the king

And maybe it was I who betrayed his majesty
With no opposite reality
Like a puddle with no reflection
Of the sky or the trees
But after my dreaded beheading
I tied that sucker back on with a string
And I guess I'm pretty different now
Considering

I kissed you on the street that night
On the far side of Four
But I didn't like the taste
In my mouth or yours
And ignoring the persona you wore for my benefit
For once I had the balls to call it
Just call it
But a lesson must be lived
In order to be learned
And the clarity to see and stop this now
That is what I've earned

And maybe it was I who betrayed his majesty
With no opposite reality
Like a puddle with no reflection
Of the sky or the trees
But after my dreaded beheading
I tied that sucker back on with a string
And I guess I'm pretty different now
Considering

I'm holding here a book
Notable, but not the greatest
Stolen for me by the latest
In a long line of thieves
And I'm just about to drop it
Down that manhole of memories
When I realize it doesn't bother me
And heartache not so dire
Cuz I looked up to see integrity
Finally won over desire

So tonight a very good point was brought to my attention regarding forgiveness.

I know that on a cognitive level I have forgiven Jenna and Steve. But I know on an emotional level, that forgiveness isn't there yet.

But something said tonight has been on my mind since it was stated, and I feel that it may be that last step I need to take to forgive on the emotional level.

There is a level of forgiveness that doesn't condone any action, nor does it really make it easier to take. But there is a level of forgiveness that looks at the person you are dealing with and forgiving them for being who they are.

That sounds way more complicated than it really is.

So to make it as simple as I can, I will state it as if saying it to someone. Even though I'm not there yet. But for simplicity sake.....

I forgive you, because I know the type of person you are. I know what is drawing you to make decisions that are unacceptable. I know that there is something inside of you that makes you believe your actions are acceptable. There is a part of you that has yet to learn this particular lesson. It is because of those things I forgive you.

I really believe that. Again, I'm not there yet, but I do believe that theory. That everyone acts within their own set of belief systems. Everyone has something that draws them to every action they take. There is a personal biography that follows everyone around and leads them to certain decisions. It's not so much forgiving the actions done, but more about forgiving them for being the people they are. It's a level of understanding that I hadn't thought of before.

I don't know when I will be able to look at who Steve and Jenna really are and forgive them for who they are. Mentally, I've gone through those steps, and meant it when I first stated that the forgiveness was there. But emotionally, I'm still working through some kinks with that.

By looking at what made someone what they are, it's easier to separate a personal affront from just the way someone is. And by taking myself out of the equation, I can look at those people and understand the drives that carried them to their actions.

But with everything, there comes a point. There comes a point when we must all look at ourselves, what was done to us, what we have existed through, and realize it was wrong. There comes a point when we have to look at those things in our past and decide whether or not we are going to let it drive us through the future. We have to look at those painful things and decide to either perpetuate the cycle or break it. We all have personal responsibility toward those things.

But not everyone gets there at the same time. We all have our own time lines for learning these things. Not everyone comes to this realization over the same situations.

I will come to that point when I can look at them and see what it was they were truly doing. Attempting to gain acceptance from any place they could find it. Being driven by the thrill of doing something wrong or bad. The lack of self esteem that causes actions to be taken, regardless of the consequences. The drive to be loved, needed, and wanted by as many people as possible to instill a sense of self worth.

These are actions taken by those who have yet to find their way truly. I haven't found my way completely yet, so there is no judgment. But I have found my way in regards to those specific issues.

So until that day comes when I can forgive them for who they are, I will settle on forgiving them in my head. I'm still too raw. I've still got things to work out.

But one day, hopefully very soon, I will be able to look at both of them and forgive them for being who they are. Not forgiving the actions, but the way they are wired.

The end to much

So today was the last day of finals. I don't know how confident I feel about my Italian final, but it's done and I have to leave it that way.

Ending a semester always fills me with a tiny bit of sadness. It's leaving the old, the comfortable, the acquaintances I've made. But ending this semester is ending much more than my last fall semester as an undergrad. It's leaving a semester full of really bad memories.

In this semester, I found out about my husband's affair, confronted him, kicked him out of the apartment, found a new apartment and moved, filed for and was granted a divorce, started therapy and generally changed the entire course of my life.

There is a part of me that wants to blame Steve for my shitty grades in Italian. Because of him and what he did, I wasn't able to concentrate for about two weeks after the confrontation. I lost about two weeks worth of information in all of my classes. With my sociology classes, I could afford it a bit more, because I have a very solid foundation in that field. I was able to take a few weeks and get completely back on track.

But with Italian.....I missed some very important basics within those two weeks. They were the first few weeks of the semester.

However, I am not going to blame him for that. There is no point any longer in playing the blame game. I know my reasons for those grades suffering, and I must deal with them. Just like I've had to deal with all the other things put before me in these last few crazy months. By blaming him, I'm taking away my agency, and I refuse to do that. I know the consequences of actions done, and I'll leave it at that.

So today closes out not only my last fall semester as an undergrad, but a semester full of pain and loss. And anger. And depression.

And I am very glad to be letting it go.

Still existing in a bit of a whirlwind. That's all the same shit.

But there are some new moments that are surfacing. And I am really enjoying them.

The first one is noting how this whole process has happened. It has happened relatively pattern free. So far, nothing of what I've done to handle this has been a typical Tory pattern. I am so thankful for that.

I haven't thrown myself into any one else to forget the pain or ease my pain. On the contrary, I have been presented with a situation which could easily be that, and I have fought against it. Instead of finding an instant boyfriend, just add water style, I am finding out more about a person that I'm spending time with. And while it's confusing and feels weird to go at this pace, it's actually turning out to be something quite nice. And I will still know, in my heart, that I did this on my own. I didn't rely on someone else to help me through it in that way. Of course, my friends and family have helped me in amazing ways, but it's different.

I haven't kept any of this inside. I haven't hidden any of this from myself or pretty much anyone in my life. I haven't worn a sign that says "I'm Grieving", but it also hasn't been something that I've pretended to be over instantly to give a showing of strength. No. I've found that there is more strength in staying with it, seeing it through until the end. That is where the strength lies.

I haven't felt regret about any of this. I am reminded, more and more, as to why this all needed to happen the ways in which it happened. There is a reason for it all. And I know my reasons, know my path, and will continue to grow and be more whole as this process goes on.

I haven't hated my therapist. That is a big one. I've dreaded going to sessions because I knew what it would be. But in all the talks, I have found something much bigger than just my issues...I have found that it's okay. It's just okay. It's okay to take time with healing, if it means truly healing. It's okay to wake up one day and feel like I'm on top of the world and wake up the next day feeling like I couldn't be any lower. Those are all natural steps to healing. And I am healing.

I think the most important thing is realizing I need patience with myself. I have always been quick to get over things and people on the outside, but carried them with me on the inside. That is changing. I am releasing people and events because they need to be gone from me. I am finally going back through my life and really looking at what needs to stay and what needs to go. And the more I release, the more room I have for the good I see and have around me. The anger is still there, and some faces are popping up that I haven't thought of in years. But they are popping up because this is their final hurrah. This is the time that they will be leaving for good. And it's scary, but exciting.

As each day passes, I get a bit closer. I'm not too far from fully being in control of those things that have been controlling me for years. I'm hitting that final wall, and dealing with years worth of shit. But just like every other obstacle, it will come down when it's time.

And time is something I've got plenty of.

It could have been finals that I did today....

But I didn't.

Instead, I went and got a kick ASS haircut, bought a punching bag on sale at Bed, Bath and Beyond, cleaned the apartment, loved on Kitten and am now waiting for Stefani to get here with the wine and knitting.

I'm not worried about any of my finals except one, and that one I already know isn't going to be a stellar test, so there's not much I can do but be as prepared as I can. The only other one I'm a bit nervous about is in a class where I've gotten nothing but 100's on everything I turn in, so I'm not too worried. We just didn't have class on Thursday to wrap up the section and find out more about the final. That's really the only concern with that.

So, with new hair and a new punching bag in tow, I should be pretty prepared for the weekend and the wonderful craziness it will bring.

Tomorrow is so packed full of goodness.....LadyBusiness in the afternoon, followed by dinner with Rachel, followed by a late viewing of Bond with Ben. And Sunday is the first rehearsal for the fundraiser with New Millennium. I'm not doing shows during the school year, but since this is a one night event, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to handle it.

Today is a good day. There were moments thrown in there of sadness, but for the most part, today was good. Fighting a slight headache (coming from my neck, as always) but it's not bad. And I took some pain pills to make sure it stays where it is on the pain scale.

All in all, I'm pretty happy with today. I slept through the night last night for the first time in a while. The dreams were really weird, with them mostly being images of people and just vague feelings of sadness, anger, happiness and such. Nothing really specific that I can remember, just feelings.

Speaking of feelings, I'm listening to "Passion" by Peter Gabriel. I remember listening to this CD when Kim let me borrow it at the law firm. I couldn't stop listening to it....it just gives me such an intense feeling and I really can't explain it. It gets me worked up. But in a really good way.

The anger is on a bit of a hiatus. Well, actually that's a lie. I'm finding ways to deal with it better, so it isn't something that's hidden. It came out some today, but I acknowledged it, dealt with it, and let it go. So maybe that's why it seems like it's on a hiatus.....it's there, but I'm not as aware of it as I have been over the last few weeks. But in the last few weeks I've known it was there but didn't know where. Shit. Let me start over....

So today I noticed moments when my anger came up, and instead of fighting it back, I let it come up, dealt with it, and let it go. How about that for summing up all the crap I was trying to say in that last paragraph, eh?

And Stefani is here, so this will be wrapped up.

There are times when I feel this inner calm in me. That calm is amazing. I know it's usually right before a storm of emotions, but when it's there, I take full advantage.

Today, on the bus coming home, the lake was so still. It was a perfect blue and matched the sky. It made me feel at peace.

Something so large, so controlled by the environment around it, was just sitting there, quite content to exist.

It was inspiring.

I am quite content to exist right now. I don't know what the next moment will bring, and some of those moments have been quite intense. But right now, it is enough to be breathing. Enough to be existing. Enough to know I am loved. Enough to know that nothing will be too much for me to handle.

Those are enough to carry me through this moment. The next moment may, and most definitely will, change.....but right now, I am basking in the breeze, the sounds of people talking outside my window, the looks of love from Kitten, and knowing that there is someone out there thinking of me.

Last night, Paul and I shared a look.

A look that was more haunting than any look I've seen during this entire process.

For the first time since this has all happened, I locked eyes with the man who knows exactly what I felt.

In a split second, we relived those moments of knowing. I actually had to look away.

I had to look away because I know the decisions I made, and why I made them. I know the pain it caused, the rollercoaster of emotion that went with it. I knew all of that from my own experience.

But to look in the eyes of someone who experienced the same thing and chose to remain.....that's where the understanding was cut off.

I can't pretend to know what his daily existance is like because of those different choices we made. Nor could I know what his existance would be if he would have made the same decisions as me.

But that look that was shared.....that look of knowing.....I can't even put into words how that made me feel.

I don't know him. I've barely talked to him in the time that she has been in my life. But I feel, and have felt this entire time, a connection to him simply because of the shared experience. And who we shared, unknowingly. And those few words we did share, after all was made known.

I just hope, well, I don't know. I guess I hope happiness for him. In whatever form that takes. And while I can't imagine staying, I bet he can't imagine going. So whatever source he is drawing from, I hope it is leading him in the right direction. And he has his happiness, in whatever form he needs.

For the first time in a good, long time, I actually feel like blogging for fun.

My secret santa shopping is done. I am so excited for the recipient to receive it!

I bought new shoes and a new shirt for my evening of dinner and parties with Ben. They are both very fabulous.

Stefani is coming over today for a bit of hanging out and talking before dinner. I'm really enjoying my talks with her.

Laura and I busted some ass to get shit for the party tonight. I have the feeling it will be a great success.

After continually waking up with bloody noses, I broke down and bought a humidifier. Already, Kitten ceases to shock me every time I pet her, and her fur looks SO much better.

The Vitamin E tablets suggested by Sara's hot mom are really helping the redness in my cheeks. I may actually have *gasp* normal looking skin during the winter this year.

I have been freaking out about school. The grad school I really want to get into took their last applications back in September. They take about 15 students out of around 300. Heather seems to think I'll have no problem getting in....however, when I'm meeting with them, I can't tell them I'm applying at DePaul and Loyola as back up. She said they won't take me seriously. So, instead, I have to actually apply to Harvard, Yale, Brown, etc., to prove to them that I'm taking this seriously and they should accept me.

So, Heather suggested that I take next year off, get published and study for my GRE's. The thought of taking time off freaks me out, because I'm on a roll. However, she brought up a good point that I really have to consider. I could go straight in to DePaul or Loyola and get my Masters, but I would be wasting a year's worth of time and money. If I go straight for the PhD program, I'll be taking a year off, which will even out, but go into it with more under my belt. And I won't have wasted that year of money on schooling that really isn't needed to get the PhD.

So I am in a bit of a pickle. Do I take that year off, get published, take my time with the GRE's and apply fresh and ready to go, or do I keep this going and get my Masters first, and in that time get published and take the GRE's? Heather and I are going to meet next week and talk more in depth. She wants me to do more research to find out which schools would fit me the best, so I'm not spending money applying just anywhere. And of those choices, I'm thinking Yale is looking the best.

I can't believe I'm actually going to be applying to Yale. That is something I just never thought I would do. But the amazing thing? I have the grades and the backing from professors and actually might be able to get accepted! Of course, I have no desire to go to Yale. I've very happy in Chicago, and honestly......the school I've been drooling over for the last year is the best in the country for sociology. Heather said that if I get my PhD from there, I will be given a job anywhere in the world that I wanted. It's that prestigious. It's that well known. And there is no reason they won't take me.

Well, the GRE's need to be almost perfect. That's the catch. And I haven't taken a standardized test since my SAT's in high school. Ten years ago.

So now I'm debating that very serious question of what to do next year. I'm sure once I talk to Heather, it will all be a bit clearer. And I trust her judgement on it. She's been there. She's been working in this field for years. She will know the best route to take.

How amazing would this scenario be: After graduation, take that summer to find work in my field. Work in the community. Work in the field that I'll be living in. Study for my GRE's, take them fresh and unconcerned with other homework or work that needs to be done. Write a stellar dissertation regarding the aspects of Labeling Theory that scholars have yet to cover and get published. Walk into the registration office for my dream school, show them what I've done, where I'm working, what I'm doing and give them the recommendations from my professors. Have them shake my hand and welcome me to their PhD program.

That is the ideal. That may not be how reality works in this situation, but I am going to act like it's a reality.

Or I may just keep going with school.

Urg.

But what I don't need to do is make that decision today. That decision (not to be too Scarlett here) can be made tomorrow. And the next day.

Right now, I have other things to concern myself with. Like getting ready for yet another awesome night. Continuing on with healing myself.

But I have been released from much of those feelings. And I was released on my own. No one else has made that happen for me. There have been many who have been there to support me, but this final step was taken on my own. In my apartment. When things started coming together in ways I could never imagine.

And the thing that will carry me through this is the knowledge that I did it on my own. I didn't jump into someone else. I am taking things very slowly in all aspects of my life, and it's all coming together very nicely.

So, about those awesome shoes and that awesome shirt.....

Tonight

Tonight was about so much more than simply taking Christi out for her birthday dinner and talking. It was about healing a past I didn't think needed healing. It was about finding out the true reasons for our actions that drove us apart, and remembering the reasons why we came back together.

Tonight was a night of perfection. Lauging, serious conversation, good food, and two women who have been through a lot in the ten years they were together.

Tonight, all things made sense. All things fit into a pattern. All things were made clear.

And the bonus? I didn't even realize they still needed to be cleared up.

It was her birthday, but I was the one that received a gift.

I think Sara may have put it best.

I have taken the final step into my womanhood.

That resonates with me better than saying "adulthood".

There is more to this whole process than simply becoming an "adult". I have reached that point of fully becoming a woman.

THAT makes this whole ordeal worth it.

There comes a time in every woman's life when she has to decide what will define her. Will it be cigarettes? Booze? One night stands? Her friends? Her lover? Her ex? Her past? Her potential future?

But even more importantly, that same woman gets to the point where she realizes that nothing will define her but herself. Her dreams. Her goals. Her passions. Her ambitions. Her wants. Her needs.

It is so much easier to slap a label on and use it until it wears off, gets ratty and torn at the edges. Then slap a new label on and try it on for awhile. Constantly shedding one skin for another, one title for another. Going through life being defined by what you are putting out there and wanting others to see. The girlfriend label. The friend label. The wife label. The ex-wife label. The party girl label. The homebody label.

Then there is the real self. The real person hidden underneath that label. That woman who is screaming out for sunlight. That woman who wants nothing more but to wear the reality label. The experience label. The label worn by someone who has seen much and lived through even more.

Not one experience or thing makes us who we are. If we are nothing more than a combination of experiences and labels, finding the true one is very difficult. Knowing that what you are putting out there is real is one of the most terrifying things there is. Because with that reality comes the very real possiblity of it being abused, mistreated and used.

But goddamnit if I'm not finding those fears meaningless in comparison to living under a label of something I'm not.

Fear is the biggest label I've found myself living under. And that label is old, worn and tattered. It's time to take it off and face the music.

Some big realizations were made yesterday.

Everything became legal. Everything is done. There was sadness that came with it, of course. As soon as it was declared legal, I cried. I'm not ashamed of that. I haven't been ashamed of any way in which I've dealt with all of this. And I'm not going to start now.

I am also learning what it is to be respected by someone. Someone who knows what I'm going through and is acting accordingly. Patience. Time. Respect. Space. Those are things I'm going to have to get used to. But it will be a very fun journey. I'm actually excited about this ride. For the first time in months, I've been excited about something that is happening, and I've needed that.

There is something to be said for being lonely when you are single. It kinda comes with the territory. But there is something else entirely to feel lonely in a marriage or relationship. That is so much worse.

But I'm not lonely anymore.

I also think, yesterday, I finished this round of growing up. I felt that shift inside of me in ways I couldn't imagine. Standing up there, alone, and ending something that needed to be ended. Knowing I did it for me. And for him, in that twisted, weird way. I know that he needed to hit rock bottom before he would make any changes in his life. I started to realize that every time I would ask him about therapy or ask him to talk with me about what was going on in his head, regarding what had happened to him and how I didn't think he had ever really dealt with it. When I kept trying to guide him into believing he needed help, I would be met with such resistance. I started to realize that he is the type of person that needed to lose everything to take that first step.

The reasons for my actions that day are many and are very intertwined. I did what I had to do for me. I had to have people there, because every time I would try to do it on my own, it would get turned around and twisted into something that was wrong with me. Regardless of any proof I had or how strongly I felt something. It was always turned around on me. So the reasons for the group being there was varied.....I needed that support and strength, and I also needed a large amount of people who all knew so he would know there was no way to turn it around on me. I was done taking responsibility for things I had no control over.

I also had to end it because it's what I needed. My body has been physically put at risk. I could have contracted something and never known it. I could have been infected and let it go until I became sterile. Or it turned to cancer. Those are things that he didn't think about when he was having sex with her, and coming home and having sex with me. My physical body was at risk.

Maybe the largest one was the pure betrayel. And things keep coming to my attention that lead me to believe that this wasn't an isolated incident of betrayel. Things that I have been shown point to a few other women. And I think knowing that the betrayel keeps coming is hard. But each time, it gets a bit easier.

I would take comfort in the fact that I was right about pretty much all of them. But it's a very empty comfort. If I had the choice between being right or being happy, I would have much rather been happy. But that really wasn't an option. I thought it could be, but I was wrong.

But the point of all of this is that I'm not done. I'm not done finding my happiness. I'm not done finding my way. I'm not done with any of it.

I have hope again. I have hope, and that is something that I haven't had during much of this. I had strength, I had determination and I had an idea that things were going to turn around for me and start looking up again. But I really didn't have hope with it. But for the first time in months, I have it back.

It has been a really long journey. In all reality, it started back in September of 2005 when I found those text messages. And I didn't believe the story I was told as to why they were there. And part of my recent discoveries has solidified that fact. I know Jenna wasn't an isolated incident, a single event or person. I almost feel badly for her if she really believed she was the only one. Almost.

So yes....this has been a long journey in the making. And it came to a very abrupt halt.



There is a huge difference between replacing things once ours and moving on. Things that were ours remain ours, and I don't want to replace that with anyone else. That, to me, would be removing our history from ever being there. And I won't do that. The love I felt for him was strong and real. And since I loved him once, I will always love him. But it has changed. It's not the same in any respect. It is a memory, still fresh, of feelings I had for another person.

And I know I will feel those feelings again with someone else.

I still love Hillarie. I still love Tim. I still love Mo. And I still love Steve. But he has now entered the same category as the above mentioned people. Someone I will look back on, remember the good times, remember the bad times, and remember the reason it ended. And that will be all.

And from each of them I took important lessons. I think the thing that separates Steve from those others is the impact of those lessons, the severity of those lessons. They have changed me in ways that Hill, Mo and Tim never did.

Just as I was the catalyst for change in Steve's life, he was the catalyst of change in mine. In a very weird way, I am thankful for that.

I guess I don't really care if Steve ever realizes why things had to happen the way they did. I don't care if he never sees that, while I did what I needed to do for me, I was also setting him free to deal with his own demons. While I'm sure it looked like a completely selfish act, it in fact wasn't. I'm just glad that something that I needed to do for me had those consequences for someone else as well.

I think I may be done now. I think the final step was taken, and these were the remaining things I needed to say. In fact, I'm pretty sure that this is the final stepping stone that will launch me into my new phase. I don't feel the need to explain any more, or dwell on this any more. Of course, I will still be dealing with those feelings of betrayel and pain, but in a different context. I'm never going to ignore how I'm feeling, and I'm feeling like this is it, this is the end.

This weekend

So this weekend was quite possibly one of the best weekends I've had in a very long time.

Friday, working my last shift at the hotel. Then hanging out for hours with Laura, Rebecca and Stefani. Laughing, joking, singing (and down will come Jedi, Dark Side and all), knitting, planning to make canders but not getting around to it, and being out until almost 4 am.

Saturday, cleaning and getting some negative energy away from me, meeting up again at the camp for some real cander making (nutmeg), then meeting up with him for a movie (Blood Diamond...fucking RUN, don't walk), dinner, teaching him to knit (quick learner) and more laughing, Guitar Hero and singing until 3:30 am.

Today, buying some things I've needed and a few little things I've wanted, more knitting, wrapping presents, amazing pizza and Sex and the City.

Now, a hot bath, some homework reading and an early night. Much to do tomorrow. Tomorrow is a very big day, and I want to have my shit together and ready for the end of one journey and the beginning of many others.

It's all about the journey.

One of my favorite lines from "Blood Diamond" was said by Jennifer Connelly. When explaining why she was in Africa helping people in the middle of a horrible civil war, she said, " Three out of five ex-boyfriends say I live in a constant state of crisis. Or maybe I just fucking pay attention."

That movie had just about everything possible to make me completely happy: Social justice issues, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Connelly, an AMAZING performance by Dijmon Hounsou (who absolutely MUST get nominated for an Oscar or there is no justice in the world), good company, half of a pretzel which almost started a fist fight between the woman working the counter and the woman making the pretzels (we had no idea it was THAT big of an issue!) and substance. And nachos. Can't forget the nachos. With extra cheese.

Now, about that hot bath....

And I was right. It was a good night.

Things are chagning within me at an alarming rate, and in the weirdest ways.

The way I look at things has changed so much. The way I choose to look is different. I think I am starting to feel my age a bit more than I have before. Getting married made me feel like an adult, but getting a divorce made me feel my age. I don't know if that makes any sense, but somewhere in my head it does to me, and I guess that's alright. I am finding comfort in things that I haven't felt comfort in before. I wish I wasn't being so vague, but I don't really have specifics. It's difficult to try to get specific when you feel like it's the core of your being that has shifted. There is nothing specific. I just feel like the lens I look at the world through has changed.

Or been cleaned.

Things are good. And the things that aren't good are going to get that way. Not everything is perfect and I'm not deliriously happy all hours of the day. But I do know what is around the corner, as far as my own sense of self, and that fills me with something I could never gain from another human....true happiness.

I've always heard that you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. I have always tried to love myself and be understanding of the reasons why I do the things I do. I know they don't come from a place of evil, even if the actions aren't the best. It's always what felt right at the time.

However, there is something HUGE that I've learned....I've never loved myself. Ever. Because love involves respect. And I've neve had respect for myself. Respect enough to make decisions based on what I need to guide me on this path in life. It's always been what's right for the person or people closest to me, and how can I help to ease their load a bit. And what would happen is I would take too much on myself, get angry at that person who became enabled because I enabled them, and the relationship would end. I would resent them and push them away, and they would run to another. Because I never respected myself enough to know what it was I truly needed.

But I do now.

And in that knowing is power. There is a power that I possess that I have never felt before. Of course, I can't bend steel or look through walls, and my muscles haven't grown in huge ways (damnit), but there is a power in knowing what you will and, more importantly, won't put up with. It's something I've never felt before. And knowing that, I can see where I've always been weak. And that's pretty powerful as well.

So yeah. That's it. Things are shifting that I can't explain, and it's filling me with a feeling I can't explain, and Wednesday night was very good. I can explain that, but won't.