Better than pearls, I guess.....

Here I am, running around the kitchen cleaning for the party tomorrow night wearing silver ballerina-type slippers. Yeah. Not my usual fuzzy slippers. The best part......I'm wearing them with socks, sweatpants, a sweatshirt and no shower. I'm wearing them with my dress tomorrow night and they were a present from mom. I need to make sure they're broken in a bit before tomorrow night. The LAST thing I want is to start off the new year not able to walk.

But I wish People magazine were here to take the picture. I would make it in the "Worlds Worst Dressed" for sure!

I'll take my 15 minutes wherever I can find them!

It's Official!

Another 4.0 semester.

Just got all the final grades in just now.

All A's.

Every single one.

So far....

it's going to be another 4.0 semester. I just got my grade for my Algebra class, the one that I was afraid would be a B, and it's a big, whopping A!

Now, unless I am completely off on my estimates, I will have three other A's coming in for me very soon. Hopefully I'll know by the end of this week. All the grades can be posted as of noon today.

So far, just my Algebra.

But it was the one I was the most worried about.

If I was truly able to pull this off again this semester, I know last semester wasn't a fluke. I really think it's going to happen.

Holy shit!

Maybe the lifesaver?

So one of the presents that Steve and I got for Christmas is a book by Suze Orman called, "The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous & Broke". The inscription on the inside cover is wonderful...mom and dad just wanted to give us a book that they wish they had when they started out!

I skimmed through the entire book tonight, focusing on the things that affected me and Steve at the moment, and skipping over the IRA, Roth, 401K stuff that we'll figure out a bit later.

This book could, in all reality, save our asses.

It breaks down what needs to happen when, and what timelines we 20-30 somethings have. There was one part that absolutely amazed me.....

If a person invests $300 a month with an 8% average annual return rate, in 15 years the total amount invested will be $104,504. If you stop investing anymore money, by the time you reach 70, it will be worth $1.05 million dollars. That is a WONDERFUL retirement fund, if you ask me!

Of course, there are MANY important steps she plainly explains to get you to the point of HAVING the $300 to invest in the first place.

I really feel that the daunting task of money management will be easier if we both read and follow this book. Of course, there will be setbacks.....she explains what to do in SO many situations I've found myself in, and we find ourselves in on almost a daily basis. She starts off the book by saying how she has listened to people our age and has come up with some easy to follow directions on how to change things. I really believe her. There are moments in the book where it's kinda creepy....the questions she answers in the book are questions I've asked myself a million times.


This woman has read my mind.

I have a new found hope for our financial future. Things I was always too afraid to ask (for fear of either sounding stupid or knowing the answer) she deals with. I feel like we can deal with them too, now.

So all of the wonderful gifts we received for the holiday will be put to much better use.

And we received some wonderful gifts, wonderful aids to help us out when we need it the most.

And soon, hopefully very soon, we will no longer be in constant need of help. It's not going to happen overnight, but there are some things that we can do now to greatly increase our stability and, in general, decrease a major source of stress.

I always made fun of Suze Orman's billboards on the el and random places. But after reading what she has to say, I have to recommend to everyone in our situation, "GET THIS BOOK!!!"

The good always peppers the bad

or vice versa.

The holidays were great. Part of his family met my parents and they all got along wonderfully. And they got to meet Leslie, which was also great.

My great uncle Bill died last night, on Christmas Eve. I haven't been close to him since I was little, and mom had lost some of that closeness as the years went by. He gave her away at her wedding when her dad refused. So today, mom and I had some much needed alone time to cry and talk about all the changes that have taken place in the last seven years, and how it seems something is always changing when for so long, especially for her, changes really didn't take place. We talked and cried, then went into the dining room and laughed our asses off at the million and one jokes and gentle teasing moments that created a holiday that was, all in all, a really great one.

Mom and dad are at the start of their much MUCH needed vacation away from things. Tomorrow will be a day of lying around, maybe napping, talking and just relaxing. It will be wonderful.

The hell?

What am I still doing up?

I just returned an email from my best friend from high school, Carri. It's amazing how those memories of us and all the crazy stuff we did come crashing in on me when I least expect them to.

It seems that I've been living in the past lately, at least as far as my blog entries go. But I haven't. I'm finally to a place where those memories don't haunt me, they tickle me. I don't have the feelings of loss or regret or pain that I used to feel when thinking of my high school/middle school days.

It's so wonderful to be able to look back on who I've been, what I've been through and see who I've become. Of course, there are still scars that mark me and shape my actions. There are things that I've gone through that will never go away. But that's life. We've all had those moments. They feel like they're the worst ever because they are happening to us. Even when someone else has a similar experience, they can't have felt it as strongly because they aren't us. And it makes sense. Of course we can only judge how things feel to others based on what we've felt.

My life has been full of so many wonderful things, so many painful things, and so has everyone else's. That's what makes us friends with those we are close to, what makes us be able to listen to someone else and nod, knowing what they mean.

I will never pretend that I've had a hard life. I've had hard knocks here and there, things that have set me back a few feet from where I wanted to be, but my life has been a good one.

Maybe it's this time of year that lends itself to introspection. Maybe it's because I can't leave my brain at home and romp through a field.....I am cozied up with myself and I really like her.

Maybe it's just one more reminder that I'm on the right path and doing what I should be doing. And with the right person.

But I started feeling it a bit when I was alone. That's what makes it all the more special. I have someone to spend the rest of my life with and I love every moment.....but I know I can make it on my own. And that only makes me a better girlfriend, wife, mother, person. The healthier I am the better my relationships will be. I can't love anyone else if I don't love myself.

And that is worth all the therapy in the world.

Wrapping the presents....

We will be done as of tomorrow. Yeah, we don't push the time, do we? Nah...we'll procrastinate later.

Tomorrow I am going to the mall with Leslie to see if there are any dresses for me for the wedding. I really don't want to go to a bridal shop right now, especially since a 'cheap' wedding dress is still around $300 or so. My senior year prom dress cost me $50, including shoes and jewelry. It was the best prom ever.

And the dress is still pulled out for random parties. It's a wonderful investment.

Now, the wedding dress will not be pulled out for random parties, I don't think. That will stay safe and a one-time outfit. But I don't need a $1000 dress to stand in front of my family and friends to say I love him. Not needed. Besides, it is my day to be the prettiest princess at the ball, and I will be, no matter what I'm wearing, because the glow I'm going to have cannot be bought anywhere for any amount of money. That alone will cause me to be the prettiest princess, even if I'm wearing cargo pants and a sweater.

Two of my girl friends are also getting married next year, and I think seeing their enthusiasm is helping me regain mine. Now that classes are over and the stress of the holidays is almost non-existant, I am able to think about the wedding again.

And, if all goes well, we won't have to worry about paying for a space. THAT, my friends, will help out in ways unmentionable. That means we can beef up the money on food and alcohol and just have a wonderful time.

I will have a wonderful time regardless. If it ends up being in our living room, I will have a wonderful time.

Since we both have the rings we're going to be wearing (my great-grandma's and my grandpa's), I bought little ring boxes that look like gift bags and put our rings in them and hung them on the tree. We were talking today about maybe wearing them, just for Christmas, since they are, in a sense, a Christmas present to us from my family. After the day is over, we will put them back in the box and wait until the day.

Four months from tomorrow. 18 weeks. Not too many days.

And it will be awesome.

A new newness.....

Shopping for in-laws.

It's never happened before. Ever.

And it's wonderful. Steve has been working all this week while I've been getting everything ready to go for the weekend. So, I have been the one shopping. And shopping for his parents.

It's amazing. I feel like an adult for the first time. I know that I have been an adult for quite a few years, but there are moments where it really sinks in. Buying presents for two sets of parents is one of those moments.

His mom sent us a Christmas card. On the front it said, "To my son and "daughter". It was soooo sweet! And wonderfully weird. To be called a daughter by someone other than Jim and Rhonda. Wow. It makes it all the more official!

What a wonderful Yule!

The luck of a "two-dicked billy goat"

....to quote Steve's dad.

So this Christmas, like the last few Christmases, have been filled with money woes. In fact, it's pretty much the winter time that seems to suck the life out of the checking account.

BUT---just like has happened in the last seven months or so, Lady Luck has been shining on us.

I sold back three of my books and Steve got a check from a murder mystery. That money was put to buying presents for our families.

His mom just sent us a check that will finish shopping for the families and our friends.

We are constantly in a state of need, it seems. But something always happens to help us get our faces above water, even if it's only slightly. There are guardian angel friends, parents and other wonderful things that have helped us along the way.

We are so blessed. Regardless of stress, regardless of being tired or broke, we are so blessed.

This year is the first time I've been into the holiday season. I've been in a wonderful mood the last two days, and I realize it's because I am buying things for those I love. I know it's not the actual physical present that matters but the time and thought put into it......but I will NEVER forget last Christmas. Going home with one present for mom and dad to share. Sitting there, surrounded by my many presents from them, feeling horrible. I had nothing to give. So I bought a giant picture frame, framed four of my best papers or tests from school, all arranged around my student ID and a note at the bottom that said, "Thank you for believing in me. I love you." I told them that once they opened the present, they would understand why I couldn't get them anything.

They never expected anything, and they still don't. I know they would much rather us save our money and spend it on bills, something fun for us, what have you. I know Steve's parents are the same.

But I swore last year that I would NEVER again go to my parents at Christmas with one present for them to share. Unless, of course, it's a new car, their mortgage paid off, a Hawaiian vacation, things like that.

I had never felt so worthless before. Again, I know they understood, but damnit....I'm 27 (26 at the time) and couldn't afford to get them anything more than a picture frame filled with papers.

Granted, the papers were all A's, but I digress.....

This year, while we still weren't able to spend multitudes of money on anyone, there will at least be a few gifts for each person.

And I have never felt happier. It is a wonderful feeling to be able to give to those you love. I just hope I am able to do it more and more as the years go by. And I will.

These are our humble beginnings. I've heard about them. I've lived them. And hopefully, these are a few of the last humble moments we'll have.

Life just keeps getting better by the day.

My scarf

I realized the other day that I grabbed a scarf I hadn't used in awhile. After a few hours of having it on or near me, I saw a white cat hair. I was trying to think of the last time I wore it and who's white cat I had been around.

Then I saw the light yellow hair.

Then I remembered. This was the scarf I wore two winters ago that Patty and Ethel would sleep on.

I was snuggly wrapped up in the memories of my two babies.

I stayed warm the rest of the day.

Warmer than I could have ever imagined in this cold Chicago windy winter.

And my smile, like right now, was huge.

Always the tail end

I just caught the last 20 minutes or so of Pulp Fiction. I had forgotten just how much I love that movie.

Great memories go with it.

Here we go.....

It was October of 1995. My senior friends and I got together at our friend Dawn's house to make our senior jeans.. Yeah, we made senior jeans. I have pictures.

Anyway, we were all settled in to her basement and decided to buy a movie on Pay Per View and watch it off and on while we were decorating our jeans. We decided to watch Pulp Fiction. None of us had seen it yet and thought it would be good background to our creative genius.

Well, the damn movie was on for almost 8 hours straight, and we never saw the whole thing all the way through. Of course, with a movie like Pulp Fiction, you really don't NEED to watch it in order....you can piece it together enough to make sense of it.

I had so many parts of the movie memorized before ever sitting down and watching it all the way through. It made it's way on all of our senior jeans.

Eight hours of Pulp Fiction. That, in itself, should be a movie.

Granted, no one would want to watch it, except about seven ladies who graduated Eastern High School in the spring of 1996.

Damn, that was a really fun day.

Of all of them, I'm the only one who hasn't changed my last name yet. There are two of us without kids. I know where they all are now and pretty much what they're doing.

I wonder, if they ever are passing through HBO on a lazy Thursday night, they catch a glimpse of Pulp Fiction. I wonder if they remember Dawn's basement, all the paints and magic markers, the laughs until we thought we would pee ourselves.

My really good memories of high school are few and far between. But there are some really damn good memories.

Shit. I even remember the song we sang at graduation. I just now remembered it. "Time has a way of slipping away and leaving us all behind...." Pretty deep, eh?

But it's true.

I can't believe I have pictures of those damn jeans. In fact, I still HAVE those damn jeans.....

And they don't even pass my right thigh!

Ah, time has a way!!!!

Sounds like rain....

The ice is melting outside the office window, spilling all over the back yard. A light is on across the courtyard...I can see a teal blue chair and a red tablecloth.

Sometimes I wish I led a secret life, one full of adventure, high stakes, travel to distant lands. Sometimes I wish I had , I don't know. Maybe the chance to do things over again. Maybe to see into the future and know what will happen. Maybe to have conversations that should have taken place before death came creeping in. Maybe the complete self esteem I think I have sometimes. A chance to right the wrongs, to heal, to be important.

Maybe I should be sleeping. The bed is nice and warm. KFC is waiting for me to stop typing.

Maybe I just need a good cry. A long, emotional cry. I haven't had one that wasn't grief related in a long time.

I remember being pure, innocent. I remember those days like they were a lifetime ago. I remember, well, everything. Things I wish I could forget. Things I need to forget. Maybe the tears will come now, thinking on my life, things that I've done and had done to me. Wonderful, horrible, beautiful, terrifying things. Moments frozen with no flame large or hot enough to melt them away.

Maybe it's the season creeping in. Maybe it's PMS. Maybe I'm tired.

I don't care what the reason is.

Something is shifting, swirling just under the surface, deep enough that I can't tell what it is. Fear? Something deeper? Something minor, magnified by the late hour and recent developments?

I want to strip off my robe and go running through a field, the sun beaming down, feeling the grass and twigs beneath my feet. I want to feel the summer wind blowing away my worries. There are so many wishes that I have that are coming to light, wishes to hold people, to cradle and protect, myself included. I want to dive into water that is so blue it blends in with the sky. I want to be weightless and floating. I want a good belly laugh. I want to laugh so hard I spit iced tea on a file cabinet while playing Nintendo in a room that allowed no drinks.

I want to forget that it hasn't even been a year since he put the gun to his chest.

Yes. Here come the tears.

Washing away last Christmas when I was so mad I could barely look at him. Last Thanksgiving when he said I was his favorite niece and I replied in a cold way, I'm your only niece. Early on a cold January morning when I got the phone call.

I want to forget those damn memories frozen in place, hard as steel, always lurking.

There is no time limit on grief. I know that as much as the next person. But I feel I have so much to grieve over, that I don't know where to begin.

The tears were brief but needed. Cleansing me. Running down my face like the melting ice is running down the drains outside the window. Hearing the changes coming. Quiet as a grenade. Sneaking in behind me, covering my eyes and hearing it whisper, guess who? Smacking my head into a brick wall, making me see every color invented swirl just behind my retinas. Feeling the cold slink over my flesh, goosebumps doing nothing to warm me.

I really needed to get that out.

Now I can go to sleep.

And hope to all that's holy that the dreams don't come back tonight.

Nevermind....

I take back all previous said guilt.

They can rot in hell.

The best decision ever made.

There.................................I said it.

Who am I?

No, I'm not going through an exsistential dilema......I just really want to figure this out.

I have a really wonderful grasp on where I want to go and what I want to do. My life finally makes sense and I have found the person I was made for.

However, that STILL doesn't answer who I am.

Or maybe it does.

I like to think I'm a good person. Yes, I have moments of flaking out and saying I'll be somewhere and I end up not going. Yes, I have those demons that everyone has that sometimes colors what I do and say. I try so hard to not hurt people, to be considerate and caring, to give of myself to those who need me. But in doing so, am I playing the part of the martyr? I don't like to think so, because I can't stand it when others do it. But, can I not stand it because it's a fault of my own? I've heard that the things that really bother you are the traits you yourself have and can't stand to see them in other people.

I don't think that's the case. I can't stand those who lie to hurt others. I can't stand those who hurt and abuse animals. I can't stand those who commit to someone and screw around on them. I can't stomach people who think they are better than everyone else. I have no time for people who are fake. I don't do any of those, so maybe the theory isn't true.

I know it's impossible to be perfect. I never try to be perfect (except at school, but that's the exception!). But I want to be a good person. I really try.

Something has happened that I've had a big hand in, and even though it was the right decision (and the people involved were not the greatest people, at least in that setting), I still feel a bit of sorrow that they were potentially hurt. I don't like that feeling. Of course, they hurt us in a way, and it was the right thing to do.

But there is still that part of me that feels guilt over doing the right thing, because others were hurt.

This is crazy. I don't understand this part of me. Maybe it's because I spent a good portion of my life being the punching bag and there is a part of me that is used to it, used to being hurt to keep others from pain or whatever. But that time has passed now. Why won't that part of me shut up and go away?

There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself, what you believe in and what you hold dear. I did that.

I guess old habits die hard.

I shouldn't be too down on myself because of it. Considering how much I've changed, grown and made myself healthier, I should take this as a small post card from my past, reminding me how far I've come and what I used to do, think and feel.

I'm so glad those days are gone. I just wish that square inch in my stomach would stop flipping around.

Yes, guilt is a glorious thing. It's the one thing I try to rid myself of daily, because it serves no purpose. If I try to live my life to the best of my ability, try not to hurt others, try to be respectful and loving and caring, I should have no room for guilt.

Again, no one is perfect. But sometimes I feel I should be.

We can only teach what we know. We can only live based on what we know and feel. I have made my mistakes. I have dealt with the pain and sorrow that comes from them. But if intentions mean anything (other than paving the road to hell), then I am okay.

I'm just trying to be a better person.
My name is Earl.

Random Crap

I really have nothing to say, specifically, but feel the need to write. Maybe it's because I should be working on my paper and instead am getting the house ready for Steve to come home. He is on his third day of opening after the show, running on three or less hours of sleep. He is going to come home, take a nice hot bath, drink a nice, cool glass of chardonnay and have me baby him in general. He deserves it. Mama's makin' pasta tonight! It's a small date night and we both really need one. After he takes his nap, of course!

Went grocery shopping for the essentials.

Had to pee like crazy and, of course, got behind the slowest drivers in history and a fender bender.

I realize I'm starting to feel restless. I thought it was the five gallons of coffee I poured into my body this afternoon, but I really don't think it's that. We've both hit a plateau, getting used to the stress that has been bombarding us over the last few months. I've become so used to it that now, when I don't have much to do, I don't know what to do. I actually have time to do homework, take my time with it, settle in with a nice hot cup of tea and make sure my 4.0 happens this semester......but I don't. I sit and watch TV or sleep. And I'm bored. It's the craziest thing.....I dreamt of a time when I could have nothing to do but homework and taking care of myself, and now that I have it somewhat, I'm so used to having everyday chocked full of things, just THINGS, that now I don't know what to do with myself.

Do I want all the stress and 20 hour days back? Hell no. Part of me is really enjoying writing, listening to Cruel Summer playing on the CD player and taking my time. But the other part of me feels that I should be running around, stressed out, squeezing things in here and there. I feel like I'm not doing anything, and in fact, I'm not. But I should be. What a freakin' paradox!

I guess in a way I've shut down. I know I need this down time, but I'm not doing anything I should.

Steve and I have been dreaming of taking a poor man's vacation.....taking a weekend, renting a hotel downtown, and just relaxing together. Maybe swimming. Dining in the hotel lobby. Not leaving, except to pretend we're tourists and exploring downtown through new, rejuvinated eyes. But that won't happen for awhile. Maybe January. Depending on rehearsals for Dido.

I know, again, that he is the one for me. We have been under so much pressure that hasn't let up since June, and we're still good. Yes, we have our moments of cracking and snapping at each other, but we always realize it when we turn against each other and correct it quickly. We know it's going to happen every once in a while. Now, just cuddling up in bed, joking, making up songs, THAT is how we connect. And it's wonderful.

Of course, we usually end up falling into a nap quickly after laying down (ah, exhaustion!) but it's the best sleep when we're cuddled up together.

Until he starts snoring. Then I punch him in the face and eyes. Hard. Then tell him he fell down the stairs in his sleep and make him tell everyone else that too. But he always listens after that. ;)

We've become a family. A wonderful family. Steve, me, KFC. I could never have imagined I would be so happy to be so domestic. Having comfort in the every day. Loving the routine. While I do feel that sometimes, we skipped the whole "dating" phase and went right into being married, it has it's wonderful points. But we also know we need to go on dates to keep that feeling alive.

I wouldn't trade this time in my life for anything. My past is so distant, so blurry now. I remember the time before Steve, but I was a different person, so it seems so far away. I can't believe how much seven months have changed me completely. I love every moment.

And I held Krishna today. I held a being that is three days alive. He was a bit fussy when I first got him, but he fell on my very large pillows and instantly was calm, soothed and sleeping. Then he shat himself and got a bit grumpy, which I don't blame him for at all. I would react the same. But having something so small, so perfect, curl up and fall asleep on my breasts, well, it's just heaven. Pure heaven. And the smell. My god, the smell of baby.

Do I want one right now? Hell yes! Will it happen? Hell no!
School first. Marriage first (not that I'm a firm believer in marriage first, but one thing at a time.....we haven't even planned the damn wedding yet!). Time to ourselves, being a couple for a few years. Adjusting to how the other acts and reacts to life's little "fuck you's". Being selfish for a little while longer.

Then our lives will change. Vivien will be a very welcome thing, when the time is right. And I am looking forward to the pain of every contraction, the sweat and crying, the pushing and exhaustion.....being there in every capacity for the birth. Watching Steve cut the cord. Seeing the faces of our family and friends as a child is born.....ah, wonderful daydreams. And not the daydreams of stress and such, just future daydreaming. Fun things. Things to come.

Wow. This is such a rambling post. But I'm sitting here smiling. I started off feeling a bit weird, a little somber and maybe a bit teen-angst-ty. But now I'm just smiling.

I have never had it so good. Broke as shit, but richer than I've ever been in every other way. My soul is screaming with happiness, bursting at the seams. I don't think it's the coffee.....I think I needed to remind myself of everything I've just written. I'm not doing "nothing"....I'm recovering. It's okay for me to take naps. It's okay to watch Punky Brewster everyday. I'm on the righ path. The original Blue Monday is now playing....what memories go with that song!

Even though we ain't got money, I'm so in love with you, honey!

They say our love won't pay the rent. Before it's earned, our money's all been spent.

Oh, oh, livin' on a prayer!

Nice reminders that we're not the only ones to be here, nor will we be the last. This is a rite of passage......Steve said today, "In ten years, we'll look back on this time of being so broke and just laugh and laugh." I agree. Money is one of the things that can drive people apart, siting irreconcilable differences......we're going to make it through.

We have so far.....

God, I am in such a good place.

And we continue with the changes

Mom and dad had their cat, Martina, put down yesterday. She had suffered strokes and was getting to the point of not being comfortable. So, they did the right thing.

That is one of the greatest lessons I've learned from my parents (aside from unconditional love, my values, etc.)....the greatest act of love you can give an animal is to help it stop hurting. That was something that was instilled in me from my early childhood.

Animals in our home have never been just animals....they become a part of the family. They are there constantly, sharing Christmas presents (or just the wrappers), finding their way into family pictures or having almost an entire roll of film dedicated to just them. They are our children, we are their protectors. When they hurt, we hurt. We worry about their health. We take pride in things they do. We laugh at their silliness. We have conversations with them (and anyone who has seen me with KFC knows how true this is). We mourn when they pass.

We found Martina (or rather, she found us) when I was in high school. She was starving and we thought she was a boy kitty. We named her Starvin' Marvin and fed her, loved her, protected her. A few days later, we found the kittens she had...Adrian, Dennis and Sam. We lost Adrian to a diaphramatic hernia and Sam to the road, but Dennis and Martina remained. They became inside/outside cats and, when mom and dad moved to Bloomington, they became strictly indoor cats.

Martina gave our family so much....she gave us three wonderful kittens that became wonderful cats, losing two too soon. She gave us the alter ego Beezer, because of her dramatic mood swings. She was my sistergurl and mom and dad's child.

I don't have to imagine what mom and dad are going through...they've been through it many times and I went through it twice last year. It never gets easier because each pet is different. They have distinct personalities, distinct ways of interacting with each other and us.

I truly believe everyone and everything comes to us for a reason. We can say we 'found' a pet or 'bought' a pet, when in all actuality, they choose us. For people who feel the same way, this will all make sense. For those who consider a pet an animal and that's it, none of this will seem to make sense, let alone seem sane. Maybe it's because of the way I was raised or just the way I am instinctually, but I could never understand someone when they said, "Just get another cat (or dog or hampster or fish or whatever). I would never dream of telling someone, "Just get another cousin (or father or grandmother or whatever). Some people actually say it's almost harder to lose a pet than a human because pets love unconditionally, never judging you for your actions to others or realizing that you've put on weight or you're broken out. Do I think it's harder? In a way, yes. Am I downplaying the grief others feel (myself included) for losing a human in their lives? No way. It's just different. It's a different pain. It's a different loss.

Is it just as hard? Yes. Especially when you have to make the decision to end their life because it's the best decision you can make for them. It is a completely different dynamic, different pain.

It is the last act of love you can do for something that depends on you for their safety, comfort and health.

Mom and dad, I am so proud of you. You did the right thing. And slowly, that feeling will overtake the feelings of grief you are having. And you know this. I only know it because I learned it from you.

Mmmm

8 lbs 14 oz of beauty.

There are no words to describe watching someone take their first breath. No comparison to hearing the first cry. There is nothing in the world that makes you feel closer to creation, closer to whatever force there is out there. Becoming one with nature, experiencing life through the eyes of someone who is just beginning to live.

There is nothing in the world like watching someone take that first breath.

AH!!!

Just got the call.....they're inducing her in a few hours. Just enough time to take a quick shower, grab some coffee and head on over!!!

Ah, again.....new life!

New Life

No word yet about her labor. Yesterday, I talked to her and she was nowhere near labor. They may induce on Friday if her blood pressure keeps going up and down, or they may let her wait and see.

All around me new life is beginning. People are pregnant, people are getting married, people are grieving, people are celebrating. I can't even pretend to know the amount of change happening to those I love because my own change is so overwhelming and powerful.

This time two years ago:
I was hopelessly stuck at the law firm
I had no real direction
I had three cats and three fish
I had an uncle
I had never dated a trannyboi
I was still mourning my ex from three years previous in my own way
I had another person living in my one bedroom
I had my piece of crap car
I had tasted true love but the flavor of it ending made me sick
I had never been to Italy
I was stuck and hoping endlessly that there would be something that happened to snap me out of it
I lost a best friend
Camenae was in serious trouble
I had never worked with New Millennium


It's amazing. Those are just the things that I can think of off the top of my head. Two years ago. Hell, in the last seven months I took turns in my life I never thought I would see. Steve and school changed everything. All of those events changed everything.

I am finally to the point where accepting them all, good and bad, has to be done. I couldn't go to a funeral service this past weekend because I realized I wasn't ready. I had been to many a funeral in my day, for those I loved deeply and those I barely knew, but Mike's changed me. It's not like me to not be ready for something, even if I do kick and scream to prevent things sometimes. But I wasn't ready. I was afraid. I was afraid of my reaction to another's grief because my own pangs are all too fresh.

There are constant changes all over the world. And inside ourselves. I have to find the fearless Tory again and let her out, let her take over. But this time she won't be as careless.....it's not about how much I can drink without dying or how many drugs I can squeeze into one night....it's about taking life, changes and all, and forming it to something I can deal with, hold on to and love.

I'm trying. It's hard. But everything worth anything is hard. Hell, I kept telling myself to love like I'd never been hurt. Did it. Repeatedly. Always got hurt, each one worse than the last. But I didn't give up on it. I gave up on ever finding anyone, but never about loving like I'd never been hurt. And I finally found the one worth that love.

Now, to just make everything else as smooth!

Finish up my pasta, watch some Punky and change the world. It's not too much to ask......

Just waiting....

Pat is due today and I'm just sitting around waiting for the phone call.

But then again, aren't we all?

I see your Punky and raise you a themesong.....

Okay, wesawee, here she blows....

"maybe the world is blind
Or just a little unkind
Oh no
Maybe you can't be sure
Of anything anymore
You may be lonely and then
One day you're smiling again
Every time I turn around
I see the girl who turned my world around
What's gonna be
Guess we'll just wait
and see.
Doo do do do do do, dooo do do!"

face and eyes.