So I got the whole home thing worked out. I'm so super excited. It's beautiful. Just awesomeness for that.

Tomorrow is LADYBUSINESS!!!!! We haven't had one in far too long. And right now, it's much needed. A day of nothing but mimosas, french toast, Meagan's amazing Nutella sandwiches, and I think I'm going to make my cucumber, tomato and dill salad. That would be a good way to welcome in spring.

The weird dreams that I had for about a week are starting to come back. I woke up this morning with a wicked smile on my face. Ah, dealing with things subconsciously.....

Yeah, this may be a very pointless post. No, it is a very pointless post. But that's okay. It's a beautiful Saturday afternoon and the perfect day to lounge around and just be pointless. Before next week hits. The insanity with school will be taking over my life in about two days.

But this is the final countdown for it. And I can't even express how happy I am about that!

Hooray for Miscalculations (and gross underestimating of myself)!!

So the geography midterm I was worried about?.......got an A-. The biology quiz that I knew I flunked?......B-.

Now the geography grade I was hoping for, but the biology grade......I didn't take into consideration that he gave half points or partial points for attempted answers. And the majority of the questions I missed were only worth one point, while the ones I got right were worth 2 or 3 points each. That balance made the grade MUCH higher than I had hoped for.

On a strictly unrelated note, I have a very odd bruise on my thumb. That meaty part of the lower thumb is a really dark brown and swollen. But it doesn't really hurt, unless I pull on it or smack it. It's very odd.

Kitten has decided to jump up on the desk and help me write. Or tell me to get the hell off the computer. I shall listen to her, for she is the boss in this relationship....

I have so much to do, and I start to do it, but I can't focus. It's that time of year. So instead of sitting and staring at a book I can't focus on, I decided to write here.

There are so many opportunities that are making themselves available to me at the same time, and I can't help but think that I am being led down a very specific path. From where I live, to what the next year will look like, I just have a very strong feeling that I am heading in the right direction....and because of that, things are making themselves available to me.

When I head out looking for a job this summer, it won't be just like every other job hunt. I will finally have a degree backing me up. A degree that will be useful for the types of jobs I'm looking for. And whatever job I get, it will do nothing but be an incredible learning experience, get me connected to the community and lead me to bigger and better things. And pay the rent. But that aside, it will be a job that will be a springboard for what I want to do. And I've never had that before. To say I'm excited is a huge understatement.

Recent events have also helped me make a decision about Puerto Rico.

And I'll know on Friday if another huge part of my future will be happening much sooner! I'm not getting my hopes up, but I am staying very positive....and that is half the battle.

Things are shifting, both externally and internally, at a rate I didn't foresee. I knew I would be graduating this semester, but the semester is more than half way done. The time has flown.

Now that I have this all out of my system, I think I can get back to focusing on statistics.

Who the hell am I kidding?! I will NEVER be focused on statistics! I will be completing my homework, knowing I won't use it again. Ah, reminiscing about high school algebra.....

The Good, The Bad, The (Potentially) Ugly

Good: Slept with every window open in the apartment last night.
Bad: Because of this, I heard the damn garbage truck at 7:15 am. I went to sleep after 2.
P.U.: Therapy today

Good: Last night was spent with three awesome people.
Bad: We watched the last ever episode of "Rome"
P.U.: All the fruit we ate comes back to haunt us in bathroom form.

Good: I get to wear a skirt and flip flops today
Bad: The blisters haven't healed, so my feet may hurt.
P.U.: I get my Geography midterm back today. It may be good. It may be bad. It may be ugly.

Good: I graduate in seven weeks
Bad: I will miss school for a year
P.U.: I may not get a deferment on my student loans

Good: I got a 100 on a midterm paper
Bad: I think I flunked a Biology quiz
P.U.: My skin is in transition from cold air to warm air. Yeah.

Good: This was fun
Bad: I should be studying
P.U.: The new flavor of toothpaste I got may not taste good. But it's cinnamon-clove, so I'm hopeful.

While I didn't win the big pot, I have to say I'm very proud of how long I stayed in the poker game last night. Considering two weeks ago I was the first out. But I stayed in long enough for the two tables to clear out enough people to combine to one. And I was very proud of my final all-in moment....I had a pair with a Jack high, but Piccoch beat me with a full house. Laura and I ended up leaving before the final hand was won, but I think Nate took it. When we left he was Daddy Warbucks.

Ah, the weather. I just can't explain just how happy I am that the weather is what it is today. All the windows are open (so I get a nice dust purge) and Kitten is just staring at the sunbeam I know she'll end up taking over in just a bit.

Tonight is the last episode of Rome. So Meagan and Jared are coming over to Laura's to watch it with us. And LoCo and I are going to Whole Foods to do this up right.....we will have a Roman spread....grapes, olives, bread, honey, peaches and some plums. And we'll all lounge while eating and watching every character get what they have coming to them. I can't wait....an entire cast of characters should, historically, be killed off in one hour. I know my ass will cry. And that's alright. It's such a damn good show and I have no choice but to be sucked in completely.

Alright, enough of this random shit. Gonna shower and get ready for the day. And what a gorgeous day it is!

So very funny now...

This is a poem I posted back in July, when the knowledge that something just wasn't right was setting in hard-core. And I remember being asked about it, and brushing it off as pertaining to Mamaw or something like that. And I remember just how clever I thought I was that I was airing out my worst fears in a "covert" way....

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Fighting sleep
complete rambles coming from some swollen place
wanting to know what
is
going
on
and fearing the truth.
Knowing
there is something under the skin
waiting for an open wound
to slide out
and breathe the air.
Glances over the shoulder
and under beds
to find that one thing
that will set the mind at ease.
The power of a woman's mind
knowing while given nothing
but moments of doubt.
But as all things,
all will be revealed
in time.

I've done all the studying I can for this biology quiz, and senioritis has taken over.

I'm very interested, at this moment, about the allure of the fantasy. We are sold fantasies every day, from magazine ads showing happy families in their newly decorated kitchens, to TV shows projecting images of beautiful people living beautiful lives.

What fantasies have I fallen for and believed would happen to me?

My favorite early set up for failure was my goal to have my first Oscar by 23. That just cracks me up now. But for awhile, there was a sense of failure because I didn't reach that goal. A goal that, as a 12 year old, seemed perfectly reasonable.

Then there is the ever allusive "happily ever after", where I believed that I would meet someone who would complete me, make me happy and carry me away from all of life's worries. That is a fantasy that I'm very happy to have left behind. No one can complete me but myself. No one can make me happy, truly, unless I'm happy with myself first. There is no one who is going to come and sweep me away on a white horse and carry me away from all of life's problems. And I wouldn't want them to.

However, I think there is still a part in all of us that is waiting for our Mr. Big. Someone who makes all the past hells make sense. Is it truly not enough that those past hells make sense to us? Do we truly need someone to validate us and make us believe that it will be alright in the end? Or is it more TV and movie fantasy that has crept into our brains and crossed the line from fiction to what our reality should be?

One of my all-time favorite movie quotes comes from "Reality Bites". She says, "Why can't things just go back to normal at the end of the half hour, like in the Brady Bunch or something?" He says, "Well, because Mr. Brady died of AIDS."

There is no reality portrayed in the media. Even reality shows are heavily edited and the cast is chosen wisely. So where does this belief that things will be okay in the end come from? The thought that there will be an end to life's problems. And there is. It's called death.

And I may not be alone here, but the thought of someone coming in and making everything okay means the Grim Reaper. And I'm not too excited to flirt with him.

Ah, those fantasies. Thoughts of someone pining away for us. Thoughts of the perfect person coming our way. Thoughts of someone making everything okay.

In the end, truly, the only person we have to look forward to loving and enjoying every moment with is ourselves. Everything else will fall into place as it should. And if someone else comes along and wants to love us as much as we love ourselves, well, there's room on this crazy ride. And if that doesn't happen, there will be no sense of loss. Because all we need is existing within us at this very moment.

We just have to remember to take ourselves out once in awhile for a nice dinner, exist in quiet moments and have that look of happiness that only comes from being truly loved. And having just looked in the mirror, I am very happy to say I have that look.

I have written several posts that I decided to keep as drafts, but I didn't really know why. There really seemed no reason for me to self-censer on my own blog, but I did.

And I think I know the reason now.

Moments, feelings, memories....all of those are fleeting. A song, the smell of a breeze that glides across your face, a smile...those are things that can trigger something very strong. But if you sit still long enough, you come to realize that those feelings, while strong, are fleeting. And once the moment passes, you realize the strength behind those thoughts isn't as strong as you believed them to be.

I have named many gifts I received in the last half of a year, and at the time they all seemed like the most important gift of all. And I realize they were all important, and all will be used for the rest of my life.

So for today, the greatest gift I received is the ability to let the past lie where it is....the past. Sure, I will take pain and laughter with me as a result of moments in my past, but I have started to release their hold over me. And they have had a much stronger hold on me than I could have ever imagined.

At this very moment, I sit at my computer empty yet full. I am completely living in this moment...hearing the tapping of my fingers on the keys, the ceiling fan buzzing above me, the clock ticking. Everything that has ever happened to me, the wonderful and the horrible, are all settled in a corner of my mind, quiet for the first time I can ever remember. I feel empty with them silently sitting there, yet I feel completely in control and full of life. Life. Something that I always assumed I was full of because, well, I'm living. But there is such a difference between being alive and being alive.

And the best part? I am feeling this way, completely alive and electrified, while sitting by myself.

I now know, completely, the meaning of inner peace. All those moments when I was so close to it and believed I had it...it was simply preparing me for this moment. This moment in time when I hear all the world existing around me, yet inside I am quiet. All of those memories are supporting me, holding me up instead of weighing me down.

That's where the feeling of being full comes in. Not full of food or drink, or even happiness. Just full of life. It's the weirdest thing. And I love it.

I don't know how long it will last. It may slip away when faced with finals or preparing for graduation, or any of the daily experiences of living. But I will remember this feeling. The feeling of every hair on my body standing at attention. The way I feel weightless yet firmly grounded. Full of energy but content to sit and exist.

This is the perfect moment I have been waiting for in all these years of searching. And it came from within myself.

There is no greater gift than that.

My CTA Rant

This has nothing to do with the people who work for the CTA, but the passengers.

If we are two of four people left on the bus, and you are sitting on the outside of me, you can move to one of the MANY open seats available. I'm sure that you are an awesome person, and maybe we would get along regarding many social and political issues. But I am only sitting there, with my legs and arms held at a very uncomfortable position because there were no other places for you to sit. I don't enjoy sitting with all my belongings on my lap and my arms and legs crossed over so you have space. And no...when I move my legs to a normal, comfortable position, I am NOT hitting on you. I am simply giving you a slight nudge toward moving. Or my legs are cramping. Got it, woman next to me today?

If you have long, luxurious, Pantene commercial hair, please make note of where it is. Because it's probably resting on my leg. Or knitting. Or the book I'm trying to read. And no, making quick turns of your head to look out the window doesn't move the hair out of the way....it simply makes it swish across my personal belongings. So if you are sitting in front of someone, please make note of where your hair is. Because yes, it may be beautiful...but let's be honest here. It's all just artificially colored dead things hanging off of your skull. And on my lap.

If you are close enough with someone to share many loud laughs and regale stories of last night's drunken escapades, then chances are you are close enough to them to be closer to them. You do not need to sit across the bus from them, screaming about how you puked in your hair and saying "like" every other word. For your information, no one else really gives a shit. I know, shocking! But there is no need to scream on the CTA unless you are being assaulted or you are stuck in the door at the back of the bus.

Likewise, if you are on your cell phone, but speaking loud enough that you don't actually NEED a cell phone to be heard, you might want to consider taking that call after you leave the bus. Otherwise, I will be listening in on said conversation. Through no desire of my own. And I will hear all about your cheating boyfriend or yeast infection. And I'm sure you don't want cutie-pie in the row ahead of you to know that much about your vagina. At least before cutie-pie buys you dinner.

Those are just a few of my very unfavorite things about riding the public transportation in this city.

Another Spring Break come and gone. And for some of it, there was actually spring weather, so I can't complain much. Except how damn cold it got later on in the week.

But yesterday I forced spring upon me. I wore flip flops, and got the season's first set of blisters. But you know what, it feels really damn good! I love those blisters, because it means I'm toughening up the feet for the warmth that will be coming.

The changing of the seasons always does something to me. It's very symbolic, the changing of the earth, the changing of the moods, leaving one season where so much happened and facing a new season full of hope and promise and excitement. I'm nearing the end of undergrad, and I have to say, I am feeling quite a bit of senioritis. And that's okay. My GPA is strong enough to handle a B here and there.

I just got a second invitation to another honor society. The Franklin Honor Society. It involves more chords to wear at graduation.

I'm not quite sure how this spring will be for me. There is a year of firsts that I'm still experiencing, and they aren't the firsts that I thought I would be having. I've had some moments of sadness, some moments of being lonely. But for the most part, I am just so excited to see where my life takes me. I'm still deciding about Puerto Rico. Moving there will be a big change, and I have much to think about regarding it. I'm swaying back and forth pretty heavily. But that decision doesn't have to be made any time soon. I've got time. Time to get through the next few months filled with newness and memories.

It's funny.....I'll see couples on TV or in real life, and I'll think about how it would be to have that. Then the reality hits...that reality of the time, energy and effort it takes to keep it going. The fights. The constant thinking about what someone else is feeling, thinking, etc. Or the constant thinking about how my actions would affect the other person. All the energy that goes into keeping something together, and I am so damn thankful that I don't have it. I am truly enjoying my selfish time right now. And I have all the love and company I could ever want. I guess this is just the best of both worlds for me. I can go out on dates with my friends, have awesome conversations, share many laughs and serious moments, and go home, not worrying about when I'm going to see them next (except with Laura, because we have our Sundays down!) or worrying about who they're seeing when I'm not there.

I think that is the greatest freedom for me. Not worrying about trying to catch someone being a fuck. Not worrying about what they are doing or who they are with. Of course, I have had very good reason for those worries in my past, but I'm done with that. And if I do enter a relationship in the very, very distant future, it will be with someone that I have no worries about what they're doing when I'm not there. I know it exists. And the main thing that is different for me this time around? I know I'm worth it. I know I'm worth having someone who won't hurt me in intentional and malicious ways. I never knew that self worth before. I was never secure in the thought that I deserved to have someone who would be faithful and honest. And that is why I chose the majority of the people I chose. There were a few exceptions here and there, and those are the ones I am still friends with.

I really think this spring will be a time of deeper reflection. So much changed within me during the dark months of winter. Now, both the earth and I are going to be emerging as something new during this time. And it's really damn exciting. So maybe it's not so much about deeper reflection as it is about truly embracing those changes and a sense of starting over in many ways. Having this skin that was covered during winter exposed to the light of day. Having the truths that I have learned be put into practice.

All I know is that with every new flower that pops open, for every new bud on a tree, for every blade of grass that turns deep green, I will be doing the same. Blossoming into the fully realized person I am becoming.

Alright.....

It's time for me to vent.....

Okay, yesterday I wore flip flops and a t-shirt. The jeans were almost too hot for me. Getting in the car, both mom and I broke into a sweat.

Now? NOW IT'S FUCKING SNOWING!

I can't wait for my nose to start alternating between stuffy and runny. And the sneezes. Oh, so excited.


Driving back from Bloomington today (and driving there on Sunday) I saw more dead creatures on the side of the road than I have in a long time. It was so sad. I know, logically, if one is driving 70 mph on a freeway, they are not likely to stop and bury something that runs in front of their car. But just the fact that there were things lying on the side of the road that no one seemed to care about just really bothered me. Is it that something had to be loved in order to be missed in death? Because someone didn't love a raccoon it's okay to leave it to rot along the side of the road? I remember the day I hit a possum. I was driving back from Shawnee late at night. I hit it. It came right out in front of me. I had some rubber gloves in my trunk, I pulled over, pulled it off the road and attempted to bury it to the best of my ability. Sure, I didn't love the possum. But it was a living creature that I killed, however accidentally. I still took the time to show some level of respect in the fact that I killed it.


Now this, I have no one to blame but myself.....I was watching Fox News (I know, this just writes itself at this point) and the big question of the day was whether or not Angelina Jolie should be able to adopt more children. Okay. Since when are we to decide who has kids and who doesn't (aside from pro-lifers who believe they have the right to decide that any woman who gets pregnant needs to be a parent...)? Have there been questions as to the health and safety of her children? Do they have suspicious bruises that were explained away? Does she drive around with them not in car seats? She is giving children a chance at an amazing life, taking in children who, for whatever reason, don't have families of their own. If it wasn't Fox News, and they weren't international children, I'm sure that wouldn't be an issue. In fact, can those same people who believe she shouldn't be able to adopt sleep at night knowing that Brittney Spears is popping them out at amazing rates? And she doesn't even need to go to an adoption agency. Ah, the gene pool is getting shallower and shallower.

Also on Fox News (again, this is comedy GOLD) was a story about a religious scientist (and I believe his last name is Moler, but I'm going to look that up to make sure) who believes he has proof that homosexuality is genetic. Which is enraging religious groups who believe it can be cured. At the same time, he is also suggesting that he can find an "cure" for it in vitro. Which is enraging the gay community. So we have a choice....if it's genetic, there will be tests and prenatal "cures" being introduced to children not yet alive. But if it's genetic, then maybe it's not the horrible thing some seem to believe it is. And all those ministers who diddle their male buddies and go through therapy to "cure" it are full of shit. And if there IS a link truly found genetically, and that gene can be found before birth, I just wonder how many religious based pro-lifers will change their tune....just saying...

Urg.

Snow after 80 degrees. People pissed that a seemingly good parent will adopt another child. The ever enduring debate on homosexuality. Fox News.

I can't wait for my spa tomorrow. I'm going to sit in the cedar sauna, jacuzzi and eucalyptus steam room before my full body hour long herbal wrap, which takes place just before my full body, full hour massage. And an hour or two in the relaxation room, sipping tea and napping. Damn, I have needed this day for about 10 months.

This just in.....43% of this population said no, that Angelina shouldn't adopt more children. I am ashamed to live in this city at this moment.....

I think the greatest gift I received after the last six months has been sight. I only saw a small part of what was going on in the world around me until last September. And my work in therapy since has opened up my vision to include not just my actions and reasons for them, but reasons for the actions of others.

In a weird mixture of reality and spirituality, I am able to see the reasons for things happening the way they do. Will that stop me from making mistakes in my future? No. That's where we learn the biggest lessons.

But it has helped me to look at situations that come up and deal with them in a different way, seeing things through a different lens. Sometimes that sight comes after the fact, but for the first time ever, I am able to look at my actions and know when I've over reacted or speaking from a place of hyper sensitivity. Those were things I wasn't able to do before.

And I also know when, ultimately, it isn't about me. It was always about me before. Was it because I was self-centered or paranoid? Probably a bit of both. But now, I know who it's really about when things happen. And right now, it's about my parents. And being there for them. While it hurts me too, because I loved him, I know that my parents are the ones that this is all about right now.

And being able to take that step back and not make everything about me, a reaction to me, a thought about me, all of it, has really taken a tremendous weight off my shoulders. And that allows me to be able to be there for those who it's really about.

Getting rid of that dead weight has really made such a difference in who I am. Not feeling like the world is my responsibility is amazing. Of course, I have an outlet for all the wrongs in the world, and I will make it my career to try and educate people about those wrongs. And that is the outlet I've needed in that regard.

But in the personal realm? I have shed much of who I was and have become who I wanted to be all this time, but didn't think I could be. Because of that, I am eternally grateful for my actions over the last few years. All of those actions that lead me to where I am now. I couldn't have asked for a better trial by fire.....and the best part? Those wounds are now scars that I wear proudly. Because they brought me to this place in the world.

Weekend Update

It's been a very long and crazy weekend, and I am just now able to sit down and write about it.

Thursday was awesome. My night class was cancelled, so I got to meet up with Jason earlier than we thought. Seeing "Pan's Labyrinth" again was just awesome. And even though I'd seen it, it was still unrelenting as ever. And the vegetarian duck was just as wonderful as I had remembered it.

Friday. Got my letter notifying me of my ability to graduate this semester. With honors, no less. So I will have two special cords to wear over my gown on May 11. I ordered my cap, gown and tassel. I got my brakes done on the car and bought a GRE study guide. Going through the sample problems, I don't think it's something I need to worry much about. Then Christi came into town. We had sushi and gave back rubs (and I have the HUGE bruise on my hip to prove it!) and talked until it was time for Dames. It was opening night, and it was so much damn fun! I don't remember seeing a Dames show with such a good energy to it. There wasn't anything or anyone negative weighing it down for me. And I have long since taken back The Spot (or Frankie's) as a place for me. Even when she still worked there. Thoughts that were attached to The Spot are no longer there, and it just makes for an awesome night out.

Saturday. Went to see Ehren, Bilal and Legat's show in the afternoon. Unbeknown to me, Camenae ladies were also in attendance for that show. So I got to catch up with Meagen, Alex, Sara and Erik, as well as see Bilal and a good show. Then home for dinner and a nap before Seeley's surprise birthday party that night.

Today. I was going to get up, do yoga, do all my laundry, study for my midterm tomorrow and watch "Rome" with Laura tonight. I only did two of those things. Two loads of laundry (not even all of it) and "Rome". Which, by the way, HOLY SHIT!!!!!!! Syvilia...just wow. I won't say any more. Instead of doing all the things I intended to do, I sat on the couch and watched stupid shows on E! throughout the day. And it was so relaxing and, I guess, just what I needed. Just like the 12 hours of sleep I got last night.

So now I am home, loving on Kitten and about to eat a banana. This weekend was just so damn much fun.

Chad said something really awesome to me on Friday. He came up to me after the show and told me just how much of a difference there was in me from the last night of Dames (when he had "TEAM TORY" written on his knuckles) and that night. And I felt it. I really did. There has been such a change. And sometimes it's overwhelming. Sometimes I still don't feel like I know what I'm doing, but somehow I always find my way to where I need to be. It's more than just getting divorced. It's more than starting over. I can't really describe it.

And you know what, I'm done trying to describe it. It's pretty obvious to anyone who is around me, and I am vastly aware of it every day.

It just finally feels wonderful to be me.